Nicaragua has been a really cool season for me. First, of course learning how to rest, how to ask for healing from my dairy allergy that I have had since I was 11 years old AND learning how to see Jesus as my husband.
It all started when I was at Awakening. My squad leaders warned us about being around the opposite gender after 6 months of being with the same people. I didn’t realize it at the time but it was a test from God because being in a covenant I should see all men as my brothers and nothing more. It’s very easy to sign a piece of paper and see the 9 men on my squad as my brothers but coming into Awakening there were going to be men from five different squads. I needed to be prepared.
In my blog about “Rest” I talk about how we had time before all the other squads came which gave God and me time to figure out everything. It’s cool to look back and see all the times I felt confused and lost and then to see how far I have come in those moments. I felt so much closer after that time with Him and I felt so prepared for my time at Awakening.
About a day in, I was just minding my own business and I notice this guy liked me. Immediately every wall went down to protect myself from breaking the covenant. Every girl (maybe guys too, I don’t know) you know what I’m talking about when I say that we start to obsess over this person. Usually without really realizing it. It’s usually the worst when you don’t really know the person but you both like each other and there is this weird energy. As women, every decision starts to be dictated by the desire to talk to them, to see them or even be near them. It takes over my mind and I get so caught up in this person that I lose all room for God. I tried SO hard to keep a distance and actively choose God over this man but I failed every time. I made a torturing game in my own mind and I realized in those couple of days that I never wanted to go through that again. No way was that a healthy way to pursue someone. There had to be a way around this obsession that girls so easily get drawn into.
The first day in Nicaragua we had a whole day for sabbath and rest but I knew I needed to figure this out because now I missed him. I MISSED HIM. Like what the heck? I knew him for maybe five days. How could I have already created emotional ties to this person? I grabbed my squad leader Taylor and I bluntly told her I broke the covenant. I asked her if I needed to go on a growth plan and we both laughed so hard because I thought I was in big trouble which is what those are for. I talked it all out to her and she wrecked my world that day.
When I met with Taylor that first time, sitting under the tree in sweet Nicaragua, I didn’t really know how to explain how I was feeling so I read aloud straight from my journal entry. After I finished we dissected everything I said and that will be in bold.
So, how are you Margee?
Well, I would say I’m a little disappointed in myself to be quite honest because I did that crush thing with —— and I’m still thinking about him. I should have just talked to him so he became a person and I didn’t think about him and who he was in my head.
I think it will be really good to do sessions with Taylor (my squad leader)
The Sessions was something Taylor had briefly talked about (5 weeks long to change my perspective to seeing Christ as my husband),
because I felt tortured during some of those moments. So distracted and I really just wanted to be present with my Father. With you.
To be honest it didn’t get bad until I noticed HIM looking at me.
//The reason why this happened is, I didn’t feel worthy or desired enough to choose someone for myself. Instead, I thought I had to settle for someone choosing me. This is SO common and shook me to my core because I realized this was spot on for me. Something I have been doing my whole life. Totally fine in my own world but the second a guy is interested in me I become interested in him because my mind goes to what if there is no one else for me//
I think I take little things to the extreme when I think someone has a crush on me because I was totally in my own world until I saw him notice me. And I believe that’s the reason why I want to try and then go talk to the guy and get to know him because I have a pretty intense Holy Spirit NO to every guy I meet
// meaning God reminds me it is not time and He is not the one. When I was home it was so easy to remain in “I have never met a guy I could marry because they aren’t following the Lord with all their Heart and I could see it through their actions.” But now, it was different. God redeemed what a man should look like who is chasing the Lord (shoutout to my amazing brothers on my squad for being 18-21 years old and chasing the Lord and teaching all of us women that we should not settle for a man not chasing the Lord because Godly men do exist!). That is where the mindset of learning what it looks like to see them as my brothers through their attractive faith comes in.//
and then we can just be friends but it’s the before. The glances. The smiles. The intentionality that I run with. The small what ifs. And the worst part is then I focus on this guy whom I DON’T EVEN KNOW and it tortures me. I start to do things and then glance over to see if he’s watching. I start performing.
// We strive to seem available in hopes that someone sees our availability and pursues us. It is soooo tempting to want to live a life that says, “IM AVAILABLE!”
We don’t want to wear a ring on our left hand because what if that makes men think I am already married. Or we don’t want some random guy sitting next to us when the guy we have a crush on is in the room because then he’s going to think I’m not available. Or we wear certain clothes or act a certain way because we want men to know we are available.
But I want to live my life in a way that men think I AM married. Because I am. I am married to Jesus. Therefore I want a man to be convicted that I am married and unavailable until he gets to know me well enough to know that I am married to Christ and I am available to be pursued by a man.
I don’t want any Tom, Dick, and Harry to see the way I act or dress and just assume they have the opportunity to pursue me.
I want them to see the way I act, the way I dress, the way I carry myself and assume I am married so that they have to go through God to get to me.
I want to submit my life to Christ while I am single and as a result I will gain respect and trust with my husband. Him knowing that I am going to honor and respect and submit to him the way I do to Christ. //
And I’m so done. I’m so so done. Because yes, I was feeling all of these things but this time my intimacy with my father out did this guy and I craved my father more but it still took away from our relationship and that really upset me. And that I didn’t really know how to control it but I knew it was distracting me.
So, I’m really excited to meet with Taylor and to learn how to have self control in those moments and how to re-center myself completely on you. To stop creating pain, stress and torture that literally does NOT exist.
// There is enough pain and suffering in the world, why create more out of nothing? //
I just want to get to place where I only look up when God tells me too. To be so focused on my father that men don’t distract me.
// –2nd Corinthians 10:3-
“For though we live in the world we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
That means we get to look at the world and say, “NO, thats actually not what a relationship is meant to be like. That’s not the way I am supposed to be treated. That’s not the way I should think about men. I say no to the world and yes to the truth. I am going to take my thoughts captive to make them obedient to Christ.”
He is your brother.
He is married and you may or may not be his wife. Are you willing to risk him having an affair and ruin his relationship with who his wife really is?
Guarding your heart is a WIN-WIN.
“I take that thought captive, Lord please make it obedient to your thoughts, your truth and your perspective.
Live like you’re married…because you are.
-1 Peter 3:1-6-
“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the uncaring beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.”
Ephesians 5:21-24
“Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
We are not married so we can’t submit to our earthly husband, but it tells us to “submit to our husbands the way we do to Christ”. How are we going to know how to do that unless we know how to submit to the Lord in our singleness? //
I think with that I need to admit to lust and how women struggle with lust maybe not as much as men but we still struggle with it and need to know what to do in those moments.
I think sexually I don’t really lust after men but it’s more of like a lust over characteristics. Maybe even a lust over attention.
// I can personally testify how exhausting it is to constantly have our affirmation in people around us; obsessing over this guy and what he says to you. Your heart constantly tossed like waves in the ocean when this guy is talking to you one day and another girl the next. It’s so hurtful and very inconsistent but what God has taught me is His love is NEVER-FAILING! That every time human love fails I get to turn around and remember the promise of his love. To remember that Jesus, my Husband is perfect. He knows me better than I know myself and will always be there for me. In this season of singleness learning that I have the best husband in the world! Learning how to be satisfied with that. //
And the crazy thing is I was aware of what happens at Awakenings and I feel like my brain still went to “Is he my future husband?”
// Again the mentality of will there be another man? //
I feel like seeing a man so crazy intimate with God is very attractive and it makes my brain want to ask these questions because God is teaching me that I will not be settling for anything less and that IS AWESOME but not when it starts to control me. One of the hardest questions for me to ask myself is if I will be okay if I never get married.
// 2 Corinthians 11:2-3
“I am jealous for you with a godly jealously. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I may present you as a pure virgin to Him. But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ.”
Paul-> Church of Corinth. If Paul is jealous for us and has a deep desire to present us to Christ as pure, how much more does the Lord desire to present us to Himself that way, as well as the desire to present us to our human husbands as pure, unblemished and clean.
Philippians 1:8- “God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus”, therefore, what Paul says to and about these churches is the least we can expect from the Lord.
The promise of a Husband.
This is not a promise that we are going to receive a husband. It is Paul promising us to our husband CHRIST.
Jealousy- special care for virgins to see that they are educated and kept pure
Our past relationships/the world’s view of relationships is not the way it was supposed to be. The hurt and violation were never the way it was supposed to be. It was always God’s intentions to keep us pure. His jealousy is one that strives to keep us pure, where the world’s jealousy strives to get us no matter the cost; even if the price they are willing to pay is our purity.
Deuteronomy 4:24- For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God
In order to accept Jesus as our husband and allow Him to be jealous for us, we have to lay down our past relationships and ideas about what a relationship looks/feels like. And because the Lord is jealous, we have to be willing to lay down and give up everything else to be in relationship with Him. Including our desire to have an earthly husband.
The Bible talks about earthly marriage so it’s definitely something the Lord loves or He wouldn’t relate our relationship to Him as a marriage and it is a beautiful gift He plans and ordains for most people. However, I haven’t found in the Bible where it talks about promising us a husband, only promising us to our husband Christ. So that’s the promise we have to hold on to and if/when He brings us our earthly husband, it’s an extra gift.
This doesn’t mean we DON’T WANT to be married.
I have had a strong desire to get married ever since I was little and I believe that is a desire the Lord has given me. The only difference is that I used to be obsessed with getting married because I wanted to be wanted and I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone forever. Now, I know that I am loved and wanted and desired and never alone. I still desire to get married, but I know I would have more than enough in Jesus if I never got married on earth.
So it’s not “I don’t want to get married”, it’s “I want to get married, but if I don’t I’ll be more than okay because Jesus is truly enough.”
It’s not about changing your desires, that’s the Lord’s job if He pleases. But we get to change our perspectives.
Isaiah 54:5
“For your Maker is your husband— the Lord Almighty is His name.”
Isaiah 62:5
“As a young man marries a young woman, so will your Builder marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.”
1 Corinthians 7:34
“an un-married woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of the world- how she can please her husband.”
If we cannot have an undivided devotion to the Lord while we are single, how much harder is it going to be to have devotion to the Lord when we are married?
It is soooo important to be married to the Lord before you marry a human. //
And you know I would love to paint this perfect picture that I could be a Paul and be so in love with God that I wouldn’t need physical love from a man but right now I most definitely could not. I crave touch. Who doesn’t? We are humans designed to be with other humans, it’s how God created us.
So, when I meet with Taylor I really want to talk about okay, I recognize this is how my mind is now, now how do I change the gears and start moving in a direction,
// there are two different sides of the pendulum of either I hate men or seeing attractive qualities and thinking he’s my husband. But there’s actually this beautiful medium where we get to see attractive qualities in a man, value him as a son of God and know that the things we are attracted to in him are characteristics of Christ. //
a process that won’t be overnight, but to become a mighty warrior of God fighting against these thoughts and feelings. Getting to a point where I recognize these amazing qualities in men and then moving on.
Yeah. That’s it. I’m really thankful Awakening happened and I can walk through this now because that was only three days with new people vs going home where I could see a guy that has great Godly qualities every single day.
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I have only completed three out of five sessions with Taylor and all of this new information has REALLY shifted how I think, how I speak and how I do life. It has been a process and I am still in that process of learning to fully surrender to Jesus as my husband but it has been so so good!
After each session we (I’m doing it with my team!) are given homework for the week to grow closer to God and to uproot anything that is not of the Lord in our life in this part of our hearts. It has been so cool to watch myself mature and to watch the pathways in my brain shift more towards Jesus. A reminder that it takes time, so much time and to give yourself grace if this is something you also struggle with.
If you want to join in to our homework this is what we have done!
WEEK ONE:
- listen to a secular love song every day of this week and find Jesus’s love in it. Allow him to serenade it to you and to feel his love. (Personally I listened to the same song for almost two weeks straight, “Can’t Help Falling In Love” covered by Hailey Reinhart. Now, every time I hear that song it brings me back to a place of complete peace and intimacy with my Husband.
- Song of Solomon 1 and 2
- See your brothers on the squad and take those characteristics and attributes to the Lord and fall in Love more with Christ. Tell Jesus how awesome he is because he has all of those. /people back home, men you encounter in every day life/
- Start every morning with that place with the lord, your my husband your my best friend. This is where I feel the fullness of your love. The place you go when you spend time with God. If you don’t know what or where that is, lay down in silence and ask him. That sacred spot between you two. Feel his love and peace there. Create an atmosphere where you choose into his never ending love.
WEEK TWO:
All of last week + this every day
Four questions – inner sanctuary (your closet, what is in your heart that needs to be thrown out? Shame? Fear? Past wounds? Ask and find and throw it out! Throwing out the trash is a daily chore, something I had to be reminded is we never stop taking out our trash but we need to so it doesn’t start to make our house smell.
- Jesus where were you in this memory, in this moment?
- What lie am I believing from this memory?
- What is your truth?
- What do you want me to do next?
WEEK THREE:
- internal / external love from God (1 a day)
- Non-negotiable list for future husband
What he loved about you and what you love about yourself.
Trying to understand that we are both beautiful on the inside and the outside. Not making excuses for self loathing our physical appearance because we are “beautiful on the inside”. It’s great. But it’s such a lie when woman hide behind this common phrase because they are believing a lie about their external beauty.
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Thank you so much for reading! It has been an incredible journey so far and I hope this blog gets in the hands of young girls because these tools are amazing and I wish I had known them sooner! I am writing this blog for those girls and to remind them that they are a worthy daughter of the highest king and they don’t need to find affirmation in the world but in the Lord Almighty!
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Ways YOU can Join me on my Spiritual Journey:
1. Pray. I will need a multitude of prayers ranging from strength, wisdom, clarity, love, joy… The list goes on. Whatever your heart desires and feels right, pray. Here in Ethiopia we have a little boy at the orphanage who’s legs don’t work, pray healing over his body please!
In Nicaragua pray for jobs, most of the country is unemployed and it’s really taking a toll on families, pray for God’s provision to these people.
- SPREAD THE WORD! Tell everyone about my trip and show them my blog.
- SUBSCRIBE! When you subscribe you will get all notifications when I post on my blog about my trip and any updates!
- If you would like to donate to me still, please donate directly to me (through my church for tax purposes: Please make checks out to Bear Creek Community Church (address: 18931 NE 143rd St., Woodinville Wa 98072) and attach a sticky note saying it’s for Margee’s Missions. Do not donate through World Race any longer. I AM FULLY FUNDED but I am now raising money for flights!! I need to buy 3 plane tickets for my trip home on June 3rd and for PSL which is a week long “after the race” conference in Georgia at the end of June. Thank you for everyone who has donated already. It’s been an incredible journey!
Venmo me : Marguerite-SanMartino
