Prologue: Hello! I am currently at my mini debrief but still in Siem Reap, Cambodia. We have debriefs throughout the race and it is a time to process what we have seen, heard and experienced during these last two months.
During debriefs we also have time for teachings from our leadership. This morning my amazing squad leader, Taylor lead us in a image prayer. I’ve only done this once before but basically we all shut our eyes, get comfortable and listen to Taylor ask us questions to activate a space in our heads for us and God to meet.
This is the raw edit of my thoughts from this transforming exercise and experience with God;
Image prayer:
Okay, wow that was cool. The images were so clear.
There is where I went.
I was in a house. My house in Thousand Oaks, CA. I walked around and found myself in the living room. Sitting on the couch, our blue couch’s, the ceiling was that type of white weird ceiling where the pieces could come off if you scraped hard enough.
It was winter but still sunny and warm. We had the Christmas tree up and it smelled of Christmas and a fern tree. It was a refreshing sent and warm feeling from the fire crackling. All the decorations were up. The fire was going and the all the old Christmas photos were up of my older brothers and sisters. These photos represent how many years we’ve lived life in this house. My family was there. Sitting with me around the living room, sitting on the couches. It was tight because there were so many of us. I was a little girl in this. Going all the way back to when I was 4,5,6 years old. My carefree self. Running around like a little ray of sunshine. Smiling. Laughing. Jumping from couch to couch.
I went through the whole house and the outside as well. I went to my room. I looked out my window and saw our beautiful backyard filled with sunlight, fruit trees and butterflies.
Jesus was there. He was a full grown man and he towered over me. He reached out his hand and we stood side by side, hand in hand starring into the living room.
I felt his comfort of him near me.
We walked outside and were on the sidewalk looking up at the house in front of the front door.
He looked down at me and picked me up. He said I was his darling little girl. His child. I wrapped my arms around the love and peace of my father. I felt safe and at home.
He asked me what I wanted. In less then a second it felt like, I said freedom. Complete freedom in all areas of my life, all the time. I know I walk in some freedom. More than I have ever walked in before but now, I’m in your arms, feeling the freedom I had as a little girl, I crave that freedom again. I want to walk boldly, hand in hand and not have ANYTHING get in the way. But more so, I’m tired to be walking with so much weight. I want to be able to run wild and free as I do as a child.
We walked to the backyard, me still in his arms. We passed the garden where the lettuce and watermelons were growing. We went to sit on the swings. We both straddled the seats so we faced each other.
I looked closely at him. Taking in every piece of him. His white cloth, glowing brighter than the sun yet it didn’t hurt my eyes. I took his hand and admired the hole in his hand. Studying him and flipping his hand back and forth as I came to term with actually seeing the evidence of the cross. I looked straight into his blue eyes (wow, tv has rubbed off on how I portray Jesus, lol) and he asked me again, what do you want. Freedom came out again.
Then, as I looked into his eyes I asked him. What do you want from me. There was silence. I repeated myself, Jesus, what do you want from me. Still silence. I sat there looking at him, waiting.
Then, he says I want you. All of you. I want to know you. I want a relationship with you. I want to spend time with you.
This clicked in my brain because I hadn’t been spending time with you for a very long time and was nothing new that you wanted more of my time. It was also a moment of total conviction and remembering I can’t hide from God.
Then I asked him how do I do that?
Immediately thing after thing came to my head.
Laziness.
Time management.
Numbness.
Planning my life.
Spending all my time on my phone.
Pinterest.
Creating stories in my head.
Avoiding him when I don’t want to feel something.
Then, we flew up to heaven. We were in a grand throne room. But in this huge room with eloquent windows that were from floor to ceiling and beautiful purple drapes to see only him. I got down on my hands and knees. I got down into child pose. My hands stretched out in front of me. All of these things that were getting in the away of complete freedom left my brain and floated in front of me, glowing. I looked up and put my hands up not touching all the items but still holding them into a ball formation as they rotated around.
God came down from his throne and with his staff and GREAT authority, he would yell and swing his staff down on each glowing ball, shattering each and everyone one of them. He did this as I sobbed. I felt each fault leave and I felt the pain. I felt the power of the Holy Spirit so vividly. Being in the presence of God.
One after the other. Yelling and smashing.
Afterwards he picked me up and hugged me tightly. I wrapped my legs and arms around him and hung to him tightly. Just like a daughter would do to a father when they cry.
Then we were at this security check just like at a baseball game. There was a brown table and the security person wanted to check my bag for anything that wasn’t allowed into the garden of heaven. I was scared. I looked up to Jesus who was already through the gates, in the garden looking back at me with his hand extended out.
I looked up at him and he saw my fear. I was hesitant to put it all on the table.
He walked over to me and said it’s okay, putting his hand on my shoulder.
Once I put my backpack down, I could feel the weight leave me. It had been so heavy for so long that my shoulders hurt. I had to roll them back to stretch them out.
I grabbed his hand and we walked into the Garden. I was filled with so much joy.
We stopped and he rubbed my back out. Getting all the knots and kinks out of my shoulders from carrying all the weight.
As we continued to walk, I held onto him like I would to my own earthly father. Arm and arm, talking and commenting on all we saw and observed.
What I saw in the garden of heaven was tons of flowers that were out of this world, literally.
I saw one of type of flower that rotated in circles and the petals constantly changing colors. I saw flowers that could fly when you touched them.
I went over to one and touched one of the gold petals and took flight swirling around above my head. I laughed as I looked to Jesus and he saw the wonder in my eyes.
I was walking in freedom. I was carefree. I could run like a child, hopping around filled with curiosity. Wow, it feels good.
The end.
Okay, Margs what does this mean? What is God telling you in this?
I yearn for child like faith & freedom. I have just dipped my hand in the lake of possibilities of what Freedom looks like for me. As I ran around, laughing and smiling I realized that I could only do that as a child. My today self has still to much weight on my back to run around be carefree.
What is the weight?
Things I hold onto. Little and big moments that happen from others. Caring what others think of me. Not be completely honest with myself. Running from my problems. Avoiding my feelings and letting them sit in my stomach and in the depth of my heart.
How do I walk out freedom according to what God said?
Well the thing is, in order for me to leave my bag at the security check with everything above means that I need to work on all the things that God told me we’re getting in the way of a real, consistent relationship with God.
Legit all this means is I need actively seek out God every single day. Better yet every single morning. He should be the first one in my thoughts as I wake up for the day. Letting him pour into my cup. Loving me and processing with me.
I need to start my days out with him filling my cup, centering me. Re-aligning me. 2 Wednesday’s ago I was at a graduation ceremony for ICF students in the their discovery courses (8 week bible class). Before worship the pastor of ICF, ND said a group of missionaries visiting from California were going to pray for all of us. I forgot as soon as the worship music started because i was worship God undignified which for me is dancing around and constantly moving.
I felt these hands touch me and I turned around and put my arms out and stood still. I witnessed her pray for me in tongues and then she would not translate her tongues but go back and forth between speaking in tongues and say what she felt God was telling her personally.
She said I needed to realign myself to God. That he was putting a metal rod in my back stretching through my whole spine. Keeping me upright and eyes on God.
God reminded me of how he fights for me, for each of us when we stray away.
He wants us aligned with him, walking faithfully and boldly in him. But those characteristics first come from a foundation of an intimate relationship with God.
It first comes with the little moments. It first starts with waking up every morning with him in mind. It starts with spending time with him. Getting to know him more. Going that 50% to meet God, to talk to him. To process with him.
As I sit here and wonder how these past 3-5 weeks of feeling “off” and not centered with God got away from me, I remember how good I am at avoiding my emotions. How good I am at running away from how I feel.
Something that our squad mentor, Deborah said at our last debrief was press into your emotions because every time you feel something means something monumental happened to make you feel that way. Wether it be feelings of sadness or happiness, take a second and process, “okay why do I feel this way”. This is something I have a really hard time practicing.
You see, I’ve trained myself for years, practicing how to avoid my emotions.
I fill my life with so many distractions as many Western cultured people do. In doing everything I am actually doing nothing because I am not leaving room to sit with my Abba. That should be the most important part of the day and should never be left out.
Why is it when we get busy the first thing to go is our time with God? We say oh, I have so much to do so we skip those precious moments with God instead of those moments on our phone? Or those moments we watch tv because we’re to tired to do anything else? Why do we so quickly forget that literally God is the most fulfilling and rejuvenating presence we can fill our souls with.
I sure did.
Thank you God for how much you fight for me. Thank you for this time of prayer and to be with you. Thank you this major realization that I will work on for the rest of my life; actively pursuing you. Letting you fill my cup every morning so I may go out and fill others throughout the day. God you are so good and your timing is perfect, always.
FUNDRAISER UPDATE: ADOPT A MONTH!
SEPTEMBER (TAKEN!!! YAYAYA!!!!!)
OCTOBER (TAKEN!!!!! WAAHOOOOOO)
NOVEMBER (TAKENNNNNN!!!)
DECEMBER ($150 NEEDED!)
JANUARY
FEBRUARY
MARCH
APRIL
MAY
JUNE (may or may not be needed, depends what day I get home)
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If you would like to adopt a month please email me and I can tell you what months are available and we can choose together what payment option works best. THANK YOU!
Ways YOU can Join me on my Spiritual Journey:
1. Pray. I will need a multitude of prayers ranging from strength, wisdom, clarity, love, joy… The list goes on. Whatever your heart desires and feels right, pray.
2. Donating through this blog!!! When you donate through here it goes directly to World Race and my fund of 15,800 dollars.
UPDATE: I’M ONLY $200 AWAY FROM BEING FULLY FUNDED!!!!! (please donate directly to me after I meet my world race goal online because I will lose the money to cover my personal/equipment expenses! So once my goal is met with World Race anything donated to World Race for me will go into a general fund to support other racers.)
3. Cash, Check, or Venmo. Donating to me personally is still much needed because I have to buy all my gear, supplies, vaccines, airfare and I will need money on the field. (1. Venmo: Marguerite-SanMartino, 2. check: Marguerite San Martino and send to: 18101 194th Ave NE, Woodinville, Wa 98077, OR to Bear Creek Community Church with a note for me 3. Cash to give to my parents.)
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