Thailand was a crazy month.
Coming off of a kind of intense debrief, we had an overnight travel ‘day’ to Thailand, where we spent a couple of days getting ourselves together before a week of ministry and adventures with our parents. There were so many incredible things about this week – if you want to learn more, head to my last blog!
But the one thing I learned this month actually has nothing to do with PVT. It has to do with trying to lead during a month of ATL. Essentially, ATL is a month of unstructured, figure-it-out-through-prayer ministry. We were in charge of finding our way to whatever city in southern Thailand we thought God was leading, coming up with a place to stay and something to do for approximately two and a half weeks.
As in all things, there’s a right order to go about planning and confirming these plans. We were actually given explicit instructions from our squad mentor on how to proceed so that we could have set ourselves up for success.
We didn’t follow it. And when we realized the mistake, I thought to my Squad-Leader self,
I failed.
God worked in extraordinary ways to provide housing for us those first couple of days, despite the mistakes, but I couldn’t escape the thought that I had exactly one thing to do…and I completely disobeyed my leadership team, failing not only them, but the team I was supporting this month.
Ministry started, and I had a couple of rough days in ATL, leading my partners down one street or another, resulting in blisters and sweat and not one person converted to Christianity, trying to follow the path I thought was right, not even the one that Jesus was leading me down. And I thought,
I failed.
After about a week, a few squadmates started planning a camping trip. I was invited to go, but had sort of a strange feeling about it. I couldn’t figure out why, and was intimidated by the thought of approaching them about it…what if they thought I was crazy, or trying to pull a leadership card, or thought I was some angry, strict, buzzkill?
So I went to the other squad leaders first.
Matthew 18 says that if you have a conflict with your [squadmate], you ought to bring it to him/her first. If they don’t listen, then bring in another [teammate or squad-leader] so that by the mouths of witnesses every fact can be confirmed.
Once again, I did things backwards…I went my route, the one I thought would give me the answer I desired, and instead what happened is the camping trip got canceled, the people who were supposed to go felt hurt and betrayed and I…
I failed. Again.
There were two other scenarios in which these words rang true, where I said the wrong thing at the wrong time, where I disappointed myself and those around me, and hurt people and relationships unnecessarily. Times where I did what I thought was right without actually testing to see if it was, and then…
I failed.
I confessed this to my team…not just that I was feeling this way, but apologizing and asking for forgiveness for the ways I failed them. I reached out to my mentor and to my fiance to seek wisdom and encouragement, and this is what they reminded me of:
You did fail. That doesn’t define who you are, your worth, or your ability to lead.
Shame is not okay and you should reject it…humility is beautiful and you should embrace it.
Jesus is my definition of success. And He will NEVER FAIL.
Even more so, I am not the only one to have failed and been redeemed by Jesus. David (2 Sam 11-12), Paul (Acts 7-8, 22), John Mark (Acts 13, 15), and Peter (Mark 14) in some awful moments, circumstances, and sins surely thought in the moment or in retrospect,
I failed.
But if God can use murderers, adulterers, deserters and denyers to build up the foundation of His church, surely He can use us, too.
At the Jesus Film blog, I found this little nugget of wisdom:
“When we have [failed], we must recognize it and repent. God’s forgiveness doesn’t save us from the consequences of our conduct, but if we’ve abandoned the behavior and are willing to accept the consequences, God will still use us.”
This is a great step one (confess) and step two (repent), but I’d like to add a third: lay it at the cross, and leave it there. Don’t look back on it every day, wishing you had changed this or that.
Don’t obsess over it.
Don’t allow yourself to feel bitter, ashamed, worthless, unlovable.
The enemy would love nothing more than to use your failures to draw you away from God.
But Jesus wants nothing more than to use your failures to bring Him glory.
He knows our condition, our brokenness and our incapability. That’s why we do things out of His strength, in His will, and for the sake of loving Him so much.
Romans 8:28 says, “…in all things God works together with those who love him to bring about what is good…” (emphasis added).
In all things, including our failures, He works with us to make it good.
So the one thing I want to leave you with from my time in Thailand is that I learned how to fail, and fail hard. But my failure, and yours too, is not big enough to ruin God’s plan, to lose your salvation, or be unusable and unlovable for eternity. God can and WILL use it for His glory. All it takes is a little bit of humility and a whole lot of Jesus.
– ML
