“I just don’t feel like being on the Race today.” I said this out loud to my teammates the other day. It had been building all day, slowly creeping to the surface, until I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I could have said a million other things in this moment of frustration. But I chose the selfish one.
I’m going to get really real and tell you that I’m tired. Most of the time. I’m mentally drained. I live in constant community. I LOVE my teammates more than most people on God’s green earth, but my fellow introverts will understand. There is no such thing as being alone on the World Race. There is only headphones in, or headphones not in. That is the extent of “solitude”. I’m emotionally exhausted. If I’m not giving all that I have in ministry, I’m pouring into my teammates constantly. This isn’t in any way a burden, it’s just a whole lot of feelings that take so much of my energy. I’m spiritually inconsistent. Some months I’m relying deeply on the Lord, operating out of overflow. Able to give more to others because I’m receiving from the Father abundantly. And others, I’m crying out to Him needing more first than I’m able to give second. I miss my family and friends so deeply. I miss familiar American food so much I’ve been craving Cracker Barrel, who the heck even craves Cracker Barrel?!
I hope you didn’t stop reading. To be honest, I would have. I just used the word “I” twenty times. Who enjoys hearing others complain about their lives? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
The other day, I didn’t feel like being on the Race. To be honest, much of this month I haven’t felt like being on the Race. This doesn’t have anything to do with our ministry at all, this my friends, is simply what we call the month seven slump. Most everyone on my squad, if they were to answer honestly, would admit that we’re exhausted. We’re homesick. We’re painfully aware that we’ve been away from normal, familiar life for seven months. And thinking about the four more months we still have ahead is more than a little overwhelming.
This past month has been a lot of manual labor, which not to sound too painfully negative, isn’t exactly my favorite activity. I’m not an outdoorsy person, much more of an inside gal. Growing up, my siblings would be running around playing outside, and I could be found in the air conditioning with my stuffed animals watching a Disney movie. We’re all different. It’s been a lot of physical hard work, and not a lot of interaction with other people. I’m here on the Race to serve the Lord and to serve others, whatever that may look like, so my heart on the outside is always willing. But my ugliness on the inside spells a less pretty or appealing story. We came here to Serbia after months and months of physically seeing the fruits of our labor. Of teaching English, working with children, adults, or churches, where by the end of our month, we could see the difference and the impact the Lord made through us. What a blessing that has been for me! But that is not the sole definition of ministry. Serving the Lord isn’t always things that will fill my own cup. Serving the Lord is just that…service.
We have been working this month at a campground run by our hosts. They have lived here in Serbia for eighteen years and run a summer camp for kids in the community. We have seen the physical difference of our time and labor here, but we won’t get to necessarily reap the benefits. We will be long gone by the time the first campers arrive in June.
I often have my teammates proofread my blogs before I post them, because I feel as though my honest telling of my experiences on the Race comes across negative. I worry that I am allowing too much of my own pessimism to darken the light and goodness of what the Lord is doing in and through me. This post is no exception.
In debating whether or not to post all of these thoughts and things on my heart, and how they could even come together into a cohesive post, suddenly it all clicked into a single word: selfish. Oh, how selfish I am. And how painfully, sadly, selfish I have been this month. Am I really so self-absorbed, so self-involved that I can’t do something for someone else if it doesn’t benefit me, if I don’t get something out of it? Talk about a heart check.
This Race is not my own. More than that, this life is not my own. Dying to self is a difficult pill to swallow, but I trust and believe that it isn’t for nothing. That the painful pruning seasons will produce better and lasting fruit down the road.
Today, our host Julie took my teammates and I to her friend Ziza’s house so we could learn how to color Easter eggs the Serbian way. (Serbs celebrate Orthodox Easter, so Easter Sunday is actually this coming week here.) Ziza is the sweetest seventy-four year old woman I have ever met. She has met, cooked for, and hugged countless World Racers that have come through here serving with Karl and Julie, so many that she calls herself the World Race grandma. Before even knowing our names or anything about us the first time we met her, the first words out of her mouth were “I love you!” My teammate Lauren asked Ziza what her best piece of life advice would be. Ziza assured us that the Lord will provide. In every season, in every circumstance, in every possible situation, He provides. She told us how wonderful it is that we are young and following the Lord, because we have the rest of our lives to grow in faithfulness. In the few hours I spent with Ziza today, it was more than abundantly clear that she has made her entire life about others. She is a woman who embodies the heart of Christ and looks at her life not for what she can get, but what she can give. Ziza touched my heart deeper than words can express. I hope and pray that I will one day hold even a fraction of her selflessness.
Next week we head to Romania, our last country in Eastern Europe, and month 8 begins!
On repeat this month:
Amanda Lindsey Cook- Awakening
Noah and the Whale- Blue Skies
Khalid- Free Spirit
Bethel Music- Raise A Hallelujah (Live)
Kacey Musgraves- Rainbow
She & Him- I’ve Got Your Number, Son
St. Lucia- China Shop
