I’m writing to you on this lovely Tuesday from Siem Reap, Cambodia! Wow, there have been a whole lot of changes in the last few weeks. I’ve been processing it all and honestly haven’t had the time until now to sit down and blog. To you, my wonderful supporters, I can’t thank you enough for investing in my journey and reading my words, keeping up with my social media, and joining me on this Race from afar.
In case you missed it, I’m fully funded!!! I wrote all about everything this crazy fundraising journey has been in my last post.
Before beginning our ministry here in Cambodia, my squad had a few days of debrief: a time to relax, recharge, process, and for our leadership to pour into us spiritually and emotionally. During this debrief, we also had team changes. I spent the first four months of the Race with five wonderful women, and it’s been a big adjustment saying goodbye and spending the majority of my time and doing ministry with five new teammates! The Race is designed to be a constant state of growth. We change up our teams after the first four months in order to implement new personalities, new strengths, and new spiritual gifts that will push and grow each of us Racers in new ways.
With team changes, also came role changes on our squad. We are nearly halfway through the Race, and in this time we raise up our own squad leaders to cast vision, lead, love, and encourage us as a squad in the remaining six months. Within our new teams, we also establish new team leaders. To my surprise, our squad leadership asked me to become a team leader in this new season of the Race. I didn’t want to take on this responsibility, if I’m being honest. Being a team leader is quite a step up from the first four months where I had grown comfortable in my position on my team and squad. I was given a day to pray before making a decision, but I didn’t even need that time. Immediately upon being asked to become a team leader, I said no. But I heard the Lord say yes.
Way back in August at Training Camp, we were given the opportunity to purchase a key necklace from an alumni Racer/staff member at AIM who runs a small business called Keys for the Journey. For every Racer that purchases a key, he prays over them and their Race journey by name and asks the Lord for a prophetic word to then print on their key. We received our keys the day we launched on the Race and began our travel to Belize. My key says “breathe.” I actually haven’t ever worn my key until just the last couple of weeks. If you’ve had a conversation with me in the last year then you know that I’m a textbook enneagram four. So, upon receiving the word on my key, I was more than a little letdown. My first thought was: How many World Racers before me have received the word breathe?! Probably hundreds *eyeroll*. I was expecting some original, poetic word that would immediately click and I would cling to for the entirety of my eleven months on the Race. Instead, I get a simple command: “just breathe.”
I chose this particular route on the Race specifically for Cambodia, the place I am currently writing to you from. My first official day of being a team leader, it dawned on me: I’m overwhelmed, feeling inadequate, and looking for answers, staring at the mountain ahead of me I have to begin climbing that is this new role of leadership, something I carry a lot of insecurity in. I have the word breathe around my neck, a prophetic word the Lord gave me for an unspecified time on the Race. I’ve just become a team leader in Cambodia, the country and month I’ve long since known the Lord has something big planned for me in. Since saying yes to team leading, several friends have encouraged me with the power and reassurance behind the story of Esther:
“…And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14
I’m no Esther, and obviously the fate of an entire people group is a tad more pressure than my current position of team leading five women on my squad of 35, but I have felt so much peace and assurance in realizing that all of these aforementioned coincidences surrounding this month, are no coincidences at all. The Lord has gone before me through this whole Race, and He knew the exact insecurity and doubt I would find myself in when presented with this next big calling to once again step out of where I’ve grown comfortable, what I believe I’m capable of. And He’s telling me to simply breathe. He’s telling me I was made for such a time as this, that while others are more than able and qualified, He’s asking me. I can put up every excuse under the sun all day long. I’m one of the youngest on my squad. I am inadequate. I have leadership experience, though I wouldn’t exactly call it “successful.” Still, He gave me my yes. Yes to growing, yes to failing, yes to learning, yes to being uncomfortable, yes to becoming an even more unrecognizable version of my younger self, the girl who’s insecurities I still needlessly carry.
I struggle with anxiety. Because of it, I don’t walk in confidence in many aspects of my life. Even so, just in my first few days of team leading, I’ve realized I’m forced to walk into boldness and confidence without even realizing it. Call it a fake it till ya make it mentality, but either way, I know I will walk out of this current season with authentic confidence, boldly, in who I am as a daughter, as a kingdom worker, and whatever roles or positions He calls me to next.
Thank you for allowing me to make my former enemies, vulnerability and transparency, my dearest friends in these last five months.
Your TL,
Mal
