Greetings from El Salvador, month THREE! I really feel like a World Racer now…I can confidently wear the same shirt three days in a row, I’ve mastered the art of sleeping in public places, I’m beginning to be able to distinguish the difference between a stomach ache and a parasite…call me a pro. Month three just feels so much more official. It’s so hard to leave each country, each ministry, after only a month, but by the end of it I’m finding myself surprisingly ready for change.
This week marks the beginning of our tenth week on the Race. In these last ten weeks there have been quite a few ups and downs. From the beginning of saying goodbye and see ya in eleven months to everyone I love back home, to both the joys and trials of transitioning to life on the Race, to the Lord wrecking me and renewing me better than ever all at the same time. There have been tears of both laughter and brokenness. There have been mornings where I woke up in disbelief that this is really my life, that I really get to live this crazy adventure for eleven months. And there have also been mornings where I woke up exhausted, annoyed, dreading the thought of having to fake my feelings around my teammates or at ministry. I’ll let you in on a secret: the World Race is just like real life. I’m not the perfect, faithful, joyous missionary so many (myself included) think I should be everyday. Sometimes I’m annoyed. Sometimes I’m upset. Sometimes I just want to turn it all off and experience an American comfort for even just five minutes. Sometimes I really miss my family. Sometimes I’m tired of the bending and the breaking, and can one person really need to grow this much?
I realized recently that I’ve been walking in a lot of negativity lately. And that through that, I’ve been doing exactly the opposite of what I said I would, living two different Races: the one I post on Instagram versus the reality. I’m a pessimist through and through, always have been. But in my last few years of growing, the Lord has shown me the power of positivity, something I used to find unbearably annoying. Taking that even deeper, He’s shown me the power of approaching life in victory, rather than as a victim. Negativity is a victim mentality: “Living in community is annoying, I’m exhausted because I have to be around 35 other people at every hour of the day and night.” Positivity looks like victory, thanksgiving, and praise: “I’m so thankful for this community of my squad, these wonderful people who pour into me day in and day out and that I get to encourage and uplift as we travel the world together!”
This morning, upon arriving at our ministry home here in San Salvador, I had a moment of much needed clarity. Much like in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows when Ron removes the locket he’s been wearing for several days, the horcrux that’s been slowly literally sucking the joy out of him, I removed my own horcrux of negativity. Immediately I realized I’ve been a victim for far too long now.
Once again, God smacked me in the face with an ever important reminder that the Race is not about me. It’s cute that I’m still walking into a new month waiting for Him to provide everything I want. But I literally committed to the Race ready to give everything up for His glory, to lift His name. Less of me, more of Him.
So, with that I’m saying goodbye to dependence, selfishness, and negativity. One taught me love, one taught me patience, and one taught me pain, but it’s time we part. To all this and more I am walking into month three and simply saying: thank u, next.
