I have written and rewritten this blog what feels like a hundred times. What I have to say, is not easy. How do you explain something to someone, that doesn’t even make sense to yourself? I have prayed for the words. This is what I got.
When I was 15 I decided I was going on the World Race right after high school. I have always dreamed of getting out of Tennessee. I never wanted to go to college. I always wanted to travel. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Why not take the nine month race to figure that out? This seemed like a great decision. I never once felt the need to ask God about it, so I didn’t. “The World Race is where God is telling me to go!”, is what I would tell people. When in all reality, that’s where I was telling myself to go. “Why wouldn’t God’s plan for me be a mission trip?” The application and acceptance process went so quick and smoothly, “This must be God saying this is the chosen path, right?”
Training camp came around. That was so great. I learned so much about myself and God. Meeting my squad was amazing. I had finally found my tribe. I could not wait to live with them for 9 months in foreign countries. Travel, Jesus, friends. This sounded like pure bliss. I knew they would become my best friends and we would have the best life experiences together.
After training camp, I slid downhill. I made some bad decisions that caused damage to myself and my family. Unfortunately, my mindset was, “I have until the Race to do whatever I want and be a teenager.” I strayed down a path that went away from God and the affects were, everything that could’ve fallen apart, did. Essentially I just stopped caring. “I just have to make it to Launch. Then everything will be great.”
Launch came. It didn’t feel real. I felt nothing when leaving. There was no worry of homesickness in my body. I had been waiting 18 years to leave Tennessee and this was finally it. My getaway.
Week one of living in Guatemala, it seemed everyone was thriving. Everyone was hearing from God so vividly and seeing Him work so miraculously right in front of them. Everyone was connecting and getting so close with each other. I was not. I felt like God had completely turned His back to me and left me behind until He met with me so clearly in the field at our base. He said to me, “Maleah, you wonder why it’s so hard to hear me, but it’s because you have had your ear turned away from me for so long. You are wondering why you feel no connection here but have you ever thought about the fact that you never once asked if this is what I wanted you to do?” And that was the first time I realized that I hadn’t. I had completely gone off on my own and turned my back to the help of God because I didn’t feel I needed it. I assumed God’s plan for me was this trip because I had no idea what else I wanted to do and it just seemed like the easy option. I did not realize that this was the mindset I had until that moment.
So, I started praying, “God, am I supposed to be here? Is this where you want me right now?” As I prayed, I kept hoping to get the answer I wanted, which was to stay and that it’ll get better. Week two passed. Week three passed. I had no answer. Once again, I was getting frustrated. I was upset that God has so clearly told me I hadn’t followed His plan and then when I tried to figure out His plan, I didn’t immediately get a flashing billboard answer.
It wasn’t until October 4th that I finally heard Him clearly. We ,(the squad), were doing our morning devotionals and I did not know what to read or what to say to God. I was at such a road block. As I was sitting in the silence I heard “Isaiah 41” in my head. Not knowing the passage of hand I turned to it and it says,
“I have chosen you and not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
It was then that I realized that God was asking me to do the exact opposite of what I wanted. Leave. As soon as I felt that answer on my heart, every negative started racing through my head. “How will I tell my family? I know they won’t understand. There are so many people that told me I couldn’t do this. The LAST thing I want to do is prove them right. What about all of the money that was fundraised? I don’t want to throw that away! I have nothing at home. Why would He want me to go home to nothing?”
Once again, Isaiah 41 came to mind. This time I continued reading further and it says,
“Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.
For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.
Do not be afraid,
…
for I myself will help you,” declares the Lord.”
That was the answer to all of my worries. He mentions over and over “I will help you. Do not fear. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all.” As I read over this passage I heard the voice of the Lord so clearly say, “This is going to be hard. It is going to feel as though you are walking through hell for a while. Trust me. Give it to me. Follow my voice. Fight for yourself and I will fight for you.”
After processing over the next two weeks with the council of my team, my squad mentor, my coaches, and a whole lot of prayer, I was overwhelmed with peace and confidence from the Lord. As hard as it is, I will be returning home on Monday, the 15th. 10/15/18. Though it is not easy or fun at all, I know this is the right decision. Though this was not the plan, I know this is the right decision. Though I do not want to leave this squad, I know this is the right decision. Though I have nothing for me at home and could not wait to get away from Tennessee, I know this is the right decision. Though this is hard, I know this is the right decision. Though this does not make sense, I know this is the right decision.
I know that all of this is very sudden and very hard to understand. But even though you may not understand, I ask that you please continue to keep me in your prayers as this is not at all an easy transition. Thank you for all of your support. Please know that any and all of the money that was donated to help fund this trip was not donated to me, it was donated to God. It is His money and is not going to waste. It is still being used for His work through Adventures In Missions. It is still being used for exactly what it was donated for. I am so beyond thankful for every single one of you that have kept up with my journey along with those who will continue to support me.
The end. It is time to pick up the next story.
