The flip side

In Guatemala I tried to write a blog about vulnerability. I don’t know what I was thinking haha. Another thing that I have been walking through since I have been on the race is vulnerability, I have never been the biggest fan of it. Letting people into my life or my feelings, ideas, and thoughts literally makes my stomach churn just thinking about it. It still does, but not as bad. 

 

But since the beginning of the race I can confidently say I have seen growth in myself when it comes to letting people into my life. It’s still something I’m learning to walk in everyday and try to get better at. Like I said before, literally only 5 months ago (thats freaking insane btw)  I wanted to write about what I thought vulnerability meant to me, I thought I knew. I remember sitting in in a coffee shop and putting the definition of vulnerability at the beginning of my blog and I let it sit there for like 3 days, so that was the end of that. I still have no idea what it means to me but being here I feel like I’ve been on the flip side of vulnerability if that makes sense, I feel like now I have more of an understanding of what I was trying to write about 5 months ago. 

 

Swaziland is a very relational, shame based, private culture all mixed in one. An example of what I mean by that is that you never get the whole truth. It doesn’t matter if you are talking to an adult or a child, someone is always hiding something. They don’t want to let you in because they are either ashamed or they just don’t want you to know. Its one of those situations where the more relationship and trust you build with someone, the more they let you in and the more honest they are with you. Nelson, one of our friendly base leaders was talking about that one day and as soon as he said that I just laughed to myself. 

 

I laughed because I related so hard to that. To the fact that I was and still am one of those people who will not tell you deep things or much really unless I know I will never see your face again or if I trust you with my whole life. I do not like letting people in at all, usually you have to pry it out of me or people just stop asking me questions either because I’ve turned them down so many times that they forget or just know that I won’t tell them anything so they give up OR I just tell them a little bit of something so that they’ll stop asking me questions but never the whole thing. But boy have I seen what its like to be on the receiving end of that. I am obsessed with swazis, they are beautiful beautiful people with the most pure souls in the whole world I swear. The way they love you, speak to you, pursue you, and build relationships with you is so amazing to experience and witness. Doesn’t that just make you want to be best friends with everyone here reading that?! Writing that out literally just makes me want to go to my care point and hang out with my shepherd, gogo and the kids haha. But anyways. The receiving end.

 

Its frustrating. I know that the kids and the adults have been through some hard things, Swaziland in a way is a harsh place and I know life hasn’t been easy for most of the people here. So obviously I want to know the hard things. I want to know what its like to live everyday here, home life, whats going through your head, how school is going and if theres anything going on,  all the deep stuff or anything really. Immediately I noticed that kids were hiding things from me when I asked them questions. I could see it in their eyes, its all in the eyes people! They want to say something so badly but they don’t because they are scared and ashamed. Or I just know they don’t want to tell me something because they don’t want to let me in. I can see it, and it frustrates me. 

 

It frustrates me because ALL I want to do is love these people. I don’t care how old or young they are. I just want to meet them where they are at and love them as much as I can before I have to go home. And when I look them in the eye and ask them questions it pains me to see them want to tell me but physically can’t get it out of their mouths or just have it go right over their heads pretending they didn’t hear me. I know the look all to well and I know the feeling, I can feel it when I look at them. I know what its like to open your mouth and have nothing come out no matter how badly you want to say it or not. 

 

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately because thats how I am/have been. And it makes me sad to know that I made people feel like I didn’t value them or trust them because I didn’t/don’t want to let them in. Because thats how it makes me feel when the kids or the adults don’t let me in when I can see it in their eyes, face and basically their posture that they have something to say. So I know that has to be how my friends have felt at some point throughout our friendships. I love everyone I know, I don’t care if we have a bad relationship or a good relationship, if you’ve done something not so nice to me or not, I still choose to love you even if it can be hard sometimes. 

 

I don’t know why I decided to write about this. I think I just finally realized what I have been doing to the people who I know love me so much. And in a way I just wanted to get it out there that ya know I do love you and I’m sorry that it took me this long to realize how it feels. Sometimes things just gotta happen to ya for it all to finally make sense ya know?

 

But yea, its crazy how the Lord does that to ya. How he gives you situations in life to understand situations in life (does that even make sense??)