Last week my phone was stolen. Don’t ask how because I literally have no idea. There was a feeling of vulnerability and questioning as to why and how someone could even do that. crazy sneaky. But since i haven’t had my phone its been strange.
Strange in the sense that i depended on my phone, and i knew i did already but i had no idea how much. I depended on it as a distraction, mainly with my music. I listened to music when i was sad, happy, confused, i used it as a silence filler, or if i just wanted to be alone. But i don’t have that filler anymore. I don’t have that distraction that sometimes i feel like i need so badly.
I wake up almost every morning at 5am. I dont know why, i just do. and its lonely. Sitting there in silence, with no music, no distraction, just waiting for everyone to wake up. Having actual time to reflect and be alone and feel alone, not one of my favorite things lately. But i have so much time to observe, reflect, think, and talk to Jesus and work on my relationship with him.
I’m an observant person. but usually i have a distraction with me while i observe, and it was music. But i dont have that anymore, it’s like my observing senses heightened or something. I didn’t realize how many details i’ve missed since i’ve been here. The details in my ministry, the kids and families there, my team, my friends, leaders, even just in nature or different environments, the daytime sky and the nighttime sky, taking the bus and the people and culture that is in that. It’s overwhelming, but its cool.
Getting my phone stolen really sucked/sucks. You lose all connection with everyone and everything. Yea i was super upset but i knew there had to be reasoning behind it. I believe that everything happens for a reason and i believe that you should always look at the bigger picture in any situation before you start freaking out. I knew there was a reason my phone was gone but i couldn’t see the bigger picture yet. but i think i see it now. I needed a break, but i didn’t want a break because i was so dependent on my phone. i want this break to be over because i miss my phone and my music, but sadly its not over yet.
i realized that not having a distraction makes me want to know things on a deeper level. i want to spend time with people. i want to know beyond whatever the deeper level of knowing someone is. i want to take in every detail of every person i interact with. i just want to know. and not just with people, with everything else. i want that deeper connection with every living thing i encounter. i crave the intricate details and the overflowing knowledge and growth. i got all of that in a week of not having my one distraction. this is the bigger picture of the reason why i needed to get away from my safe haven. all of that stuff i just listed is something that i have strived for and always wanted. but now since i have the ability to observe in silence i never realized how badly i wanted that knowledge and have those connections.
Silently observing honestly is a time of intense thinking. Anytime i do it, it feels like a time of growth and self discipline. I learn so much about myself that i didn’t know before. I think I’m getting to the core of figuring out what makes me, me. Silently observing has magnified the love i have for my ministry, Guatemala, Jesus, and my friends here. It has magnified small details i’ve overlooked in others; it makes me feel like I’m just arriving in Guatemala and meeting people all over again everyday and it’s a beautiful thing.
Silently observing. i highly recommend it. It makes your mental pictures so much more special, it makes moments you have with your friends so much more important because you have to live in it. It’s hard, but if you love overflowing with new knowledge and being mind blown you should do it. it makes you appreciate your music so much more lol. But it also makes you appreciate every detail, every person, every feeling, every thought. its wack. so you should check it out. Thanks for reading.
Love, Mady
