Im sorry I haven’t posted in awhile, but I didn’t want to post something my heart wasn’t 100% behind, and I wanted it to be a spiritual blog about the things God was doing… but to be honest I am just now pulling out of a dry season. yea I know… That girl on the mountain on fire for the Lord.. how is it possible only months later she is experiencing a dry season while on a mission trip? Im not entirely sure.
I went to South Africa on fire for the Lord, but came out with so many doubts, and questions. I never questioned Gods existence, but I did question other things such as the Holy Spirit, and the ways it can move, and if it was real why was I not experiencing it? Why was I unable to heal others, speak in tongue,or prophesy, why couldn’t I hear Gods voice? Why did he bring me all the way to South Africa to paint walls, sand wood, and lay concrete? I was feeling like he wasn’t actually apart of my time in South Africa. I felt like He had left me, and was with my squamates in Johannesburg who were out on the streets evangelizing everyday, healing people, and bringing people to christ. I so badly wanted him to want me on the front lines, evangelizing.
Angry with the situation I started to push God away. I wasn’t reading my bible, I wasn’t praying, and I for sure was not putting on my armor everyday. ( I hope that wasn’t to Christenese)
I was under attack from the enemy, and that became clear to me 2 months in to South Africa. One night I had a really terrifying dream. I was on a ship ( a big one, kind of like a cruise ship) and one second I was a believer, and the next I was allowing Satan to take hold of my life, but then I would realize what was happening and run back to God, but then I would allow satan back in. It was a long cycle. Every time I would allow satan in, the boat would start to sink. My dream cuts out with me in front of a mirror allowing satan in, my hairs black and my gums are bleeding and I’m chewing on a broken bottle. ( again really weird, and scary sorry ) I left South Africa in a really odd, broken place. I hadn’t experienced a dry season as a believer. I guess after having that awesome mountain top experience, I didn’t expect to go through any valleys, I didn’t realize valleys were a thing once you had felt Gods presence first hand. It says in the Bible as believers we will experience dry seasons, and we will face many obstacles, but I guess I thought that didn’t apply to me. (lol Mack what????) Anyway I had some pretty big expectations for Thailand. I was looking for spiritual breakthrough, and “the long end of the stick.” My team and I joked about how it was our turn to get the “long end of the stick” just meaning getting a ministry that wasn’t manual labor. When we arrived in Thailand I was amazed at how beautiful the base is. We are located in the center of the city ( Chiang Mai ) Each team has their own room, showers are on the roof, and theres wifi. That amazement quickly went away, and frustration settled in when I found out my team was assigned to another manual labor ministry. God still felt far, and Jet lag had set in. ———————————————————- For safety reasons some of the words, and names have been altered. The day it all changed: first day of ministry. March 11, 2019 I was bummed that ministry was manual labor, but I was determined to make the most out of it. We took a 15 minute Songtahw (local transportation) out of the city to a field where 4 huge shipping containers sat. Our ministry host is a nice man (he will remain unnamed for safety reasons but lets refer to him as Dale) Dale greeted us with open arms, and quickly got to showing us the ropes. All 4 shipping containers were labeled. ( Bibles, Sunday school, library, and I forget the other) Our job was to unbox the bibles from all over the states and rebox them by translation. Dale shared with us what happens with these bibles and thats when everything changed. He told us that “transporters” pick up boxes of bibles and smuggle them into places where christianity is not allowed to be practiced. In that moment I was so embarrassed that I was upset, and doubtful. The Lord had his hand in this ministry, and I felt extremely blessed that God trusted my team I with this task. We met a man that said 1 Bible effects 500 people.We packed over 2000 Bibles in one day… thats 1 million people!!!!! (also really cool side note, while unpacking the bibles I found a box from Charlotte, North Carolina. Thats where part of my family lives in the states!! how cool is that!) My story doesn’t end here, God had so much more planned for me that day. Later that night I came before God during Worship. I felt his presence, and he was pushing me to say something. The street behind the hostel where we live, is home to ( bear with me, I’m new to this ) Pr0sti..ution, and s3x Tr4ffi..cking. walking down the street you can see a plethora of things on any given occasion: the women outside the bars, holding out menus which list their specialties, and prices, blatenly asking men to sleep with them, sometimes its disguised, behind the curtains of massage parlors. God gave me a vision of all of my women squadmates and I linking arms, walking down the middle of the street, praying. His prayer warriors. Every night at the same time. I was nervous, i didn’t want to speak up during worship. I felt like some of the girls wouldn’t want to walk every night. Worship had closed, I felt like I had missed my opportunity to say something. But before everyone left the roof, one of the girls said ” I feel like someone has something to say” I felt my heart beating 110mph. I gave it a second, and almost missed my opportunity again. Words finally found there way out of my mouth, I talked about pressing in, choosing him, being aware when we are out on the streets. Even if we are going out to dinner, still being aware that we are here to serve God at any given moment. But what didn’t leave my mouth? The vision God gave me. I was so worried that it would burden people to go out every night. After everyone left the roof, I went down to the kitchen. I was talking to one of my squadmates about my vision, and quickly after I finished, a group of girls and I were out the door, headed down the streets, his praise on our lips. Since then a group of us have walked every night. We aren’t supposed to straight up start talking about God, because so many people are buddhists, and we would lose any chance of a relationship. So we have started by learning some of their names, building a friendship, showing Gods love. There have been so many awesome evolving testimonies that have come from this but ill save them for another blog. Through this I am learning to trust God. Hopefully this made sense, Ive been here for almost 2 weeks but I’m still delusional from the Jet lag. A HUGE thanks to all of my supporters
