Quick introduction: Although I would rather not step into vulnerability with the internet, its been made clear to me that I have no right to my testimony. Its Gods story, and he has asked me to share.
Quick praise: Lord I am so grateful that you have given me this testimony. Please allow this story to glorify you. May this not be for me, but for you. Thank you.
Identity… How can I be 18 years old and know almost nothing about myself?
2 years ago, my junior year of high school I struggled with depression. During that time I struggled with my identity.
From the moment I woke up in the morning to the time I went to bed the thoughts wouldn’t stop. “who am I? What do I like?” I remember having a conversation with one of my friends, and saying “The only thing I know about myself is that I like to play checkers.”
I was struggling with myself because everything I did felt fake. I was a chameleon. I changed my colors/ personality to match who I was hanging out with. I could talk to anyone, and know exactly who to be, and what to say based on what I knew of them. This led to many surface level friendships. By constantly changing my colors, I lost grip of my true colors. I became confused. I was one person around my family, another around my friends, and I was plain and sad when I was alone.
I made it look like I had a close relationship with my siblings, because every time I would hang out with them I would post a picture on social media. For awhile my Instagram name was “yellowkmackattack” and I don’t even like the color yellow. My whole life became an exhausting facade. My dad would fly me out to New York to see him, and I would spend half the time hidden away in my room. The only thing that gave me happiness during this time was to party, and drink with my friends. It was a fleeting happiness. The next morning I would wake up unsatisfied, and unhappy. I was angry, bitter and impatient. I was always in a rush, and always in rage. Who could possibly be happy living a big fat lie?
The depression ate at me for most of my junior year. During that time I stopped being a chameleon in hopes that it would cure my depression. During conversation that I would normally excel in, I had a hard time finding the words to say. I had to let go of all the facades, and take off a giant mask. I was trying to be the most genuine me possible, after being a fake me for so long. It was painful. I didn’t know who I was, and I never knew what to say. I didn’t know how to connect with my “friends” anymore.
At this time I didn’t believe in God, but I was friends with a believer. She told me to ask God to take away the people in my life who weren’t supposed to be there. Within weeks of asking I lost so many friends.
God was changing me. It was painful, but I’m learning that it was a beautiful process. God completley striped me of everything through my depression and anxiety. He took away that chameleon.
Today two years later I can say “I like checkers, I like card games, I love my family, my favorite color is red, Im growing in intimacy with the father.” It may not seem like much more than I knew before, but the father has given me peace about it. I know very little about myself. That once gave me a tremendous amount of depression and anxiety, but now it fuels my drive for Jesus.
Lord who am I in your eyes? “light.”
Although it’s been two years, and I still know so little about myself, the Lord has completely changed my life. I genuinely love my siblings, I no longer have the chameleon personality, I’m no longer angry, bitter, and sad. The Lord has filled me with a genuine Joy. I am a cup, green tea is love and joy, the lord is the hands that pour. He pours and pours until the cup is overflowing with green tea. Everyday the Lord fills me up, not sparingly. He pours so much in, so I can pour out.
I am grateful.
