Dear Lilly,
I am sitting across the world from home, in a dorm room in India when I started this blog. I bet the next time I read this letter, I’ll be sitting in a dorm room across the world from here, in Alabama. It’s funny to think how far I’ve come since going on the world race – how much I have grown. I am interested to see where I go after this point and see how God uses me. So here is a lil flashback for you, a trip down memory lane:
September 9th
Do you remember where you were as a person mentally/spiritually and even physically? You are 100% different than you were then. In case you forgot, here is a recap:
You got on a plane in Tampa, Florida regretting this decision with every inch of your fiber. Every thought crossing your mind was “get off this plane and go back home!” “why on EARTH are you leaving when you have everything? A well paying job, a boyfriend who you love, amazing friends that you waited a long time for, a wonderful family, and tons of options!” and “you aren’t to make it on this trip because you and God aren’t on good terms.” It is true, you and God were not on good terms. You ignored him, pushed him away, neglected your relationship. Signing up for this trip, you were on a spiritual high; when it came time to actually leave, you have already fallen further away from God than ever. Where was God when you should’ve prepared for the trip with scripture, packing, letter writing, and being with friends and family? Well you didn’t do much of any of that, and God was not on the forefront of your mind by any means.
You were burdened with overwhelming anxiety, mulling over what-ifs and should-have-beens, dreading launch.
That’s okay. Even though you weren’t ready, God was!
September 14th
Landing in South Africa, you had a heck of a drive to ESwatini to think about the mess you found yourself in. You held your nice little iPhone in your hands constantly looking for a WiFi connection to text your boyfriend. You blasted your rap music trying to drown out God, who was pounding at the door of your heart. You didn’t want to let him in because that required sacrifice, that required a reality check and you weren’t here for it. You wanted to get 9 months over with and return home and continue living in sin and selfishness.
ESwatini
You have spent about a week at your carepoint and saw the love of Christ in your teammates. During worship, something clicked in your mind, God finally revealed the truth to you. “In order to make it, and flourish for 9 months, I really need to make a change.” You hit your knees and surrendered. You hit your knees and prayed. You died to yourself and let God come alive within you for the first time in a long time. You began praying and begging God to reveal his plans for your life with college decisions, friendships, and your relationship.
Lilly, you finally opened that nice journaling bible you bought and started reading and seeking and searching. You began pursuing the Lord and rushing to have the most quiet time possible in the morning, even waking up 2 hours before squad devotional.
The first month of ESwatini was anxiety ridden as you didn’t know what God was directing for your life especially with your boyfriend. You knew that you placed his opinion above God’s and you valued time with him above time with God, and you knew that you were living in sexual sin. (*for the readers* Yeah, I know this is bold to openly share, and I avoided this for awhile in my testimony and on my blogs, because I don’t want anyone to be judgmental – we all have our sins that we have to turn from. I don’t care if you think this discredits my walk with the Lord, because it doesn’t. All I see is a testament to how far God and I have come, not how far I had run. And all I see is a sinner who has been changed and reborn through the grace of God which is so freaking dope! Anyways…) It was clear that God was not pleased with the relationship. Conviction hit you like a ton of bricks and shame (which is form the enemy) immediately flooded where repentance should have been. You decided to stop living in sexual sin, you didn’t know if he was on the same page and it was killing you to be unsure. Yet, for an entire month you refused to have that conversation because you weren’t ready to let go and let God prune the “weeds” out of your life. And saying that you were going to change wasn’t enough, action was needed, and you knew it.
October 22nd
This is the day you decided to take your faith to action and live it out through obedience by breaking up with your boyfriend. While he is a good guy, he was not helping you nor encouraging you in your faith. After a tough conversation you realized that he wouldn’t in the future either. It hurt and I’m sorry, but remember how freeing that was at the same time? Remember when you sat there and felt empowered in your faith and felt closer to God than ever before?! Remember how clear his voice became because you removed a distraction (there were many others too btw)!? Hold on to that when you are faced with the option to obey or to ignore God.
I added this because it is a huge part of your testimony. Don’t forget 1) the consequences of sin 2) the covenant you made with God to practice abstinence until marriage 3) remind you that obedience sucks in the moment (I am just being real) but has amazing outcomes further on. Remember that, while you have great plans, God’s plans are always better! Remember this part of your testimony when you are ready to date again. Remember to make God the center of your whole life (especially in relationship where you failed to the most!)
Remember that, in order to hear God’s voice clearly, you have to remove the white noise (distractions) so if you aren’t hearing him, reassess. What is speaking louder than God’s voice right now? What steps can you get to nullify that voice?
November 30th
I skipped a lot of ESwatini because it was little things that I’ll touch on in the highlights section, but this day was monumental. You shaved your head. I know you are annoyed with it sometimes when it’s at an awkward length, or when it hits you that you’ll have to wait about a year for it to be a bob cut. You may love it or you may hate it or both (right now), but don’t regret it. This is the day that you decided “enough with proving I am beautiful by changing myself” “enough with weighing my beauty by the length and color of my hair” “enough of trying to be something that God ALREADY made me: worthy and beautiful!” This has been a long journey of you trying to convince yourself that you are beautiful this way, but that isn’t the point. The point is with hair, without hair, with blond/brown/red/purple/blue hair, you ARE precious in God’s sight.So remember why you shaved your head, because in college, you may begin comparing (p.s. STOP THAT!) yourself. Just remember why and stick with the truth!
ESwatini – A month of return – Highlights
- You fell in love with God all over again
- You returned to the faith in a new passion and fire
- You realized that obedience will actually cost something and you’ll have to sacrifice (but that it’s all worth it)
- You learned about God’s character and how it connects from Old Testament to New Testament
- You decided you were going to Russia because the Lord said to (even though you’re unsure of what that holds exactly at this moment)
- You grew so freakin’ much in obedience to the Lord !! Like, so much !! He spoke, you moved – No questions asked. Don’t grow away from that ! Please ! Remember that obedience may hurt in the moment but it yields such amazing fruit.
- You became passionate about scripture and time with the Lord and looked forward to reading your Bible.
- You learned that you no longer have a desire for sin and things that aren’t from the Lord so you purged them out (relationships, your hair, your phone *which was stolen but you weren’t too mad because you kind of wanted a fast.)
- You found freedom from past shame
- You found forgiveness
- You made godly and amazing best friends (don’t forget to reach out to them!!!)
- You learned how to be vulnerable without being dependent on others
- You learned how to let go and be still (like your tattoo)
- You grew in appreciation for your parents. Living without them showed you how much they love you and all the things they did for you solely out of love.
