*** LOSS OF MY COMPANION ***
I pray with intentionality – that is a dangerous practice ya’ll. It is dangerous because God answers every time, but not always in the way you wanted. Rather, in the way you needed.
Thanksgiving day, I was taking photos and posting them. I started liking every post on my timeline, checking to see who liked my picture and getting sucked into social media overall. I then started listening to a lot more of my “feel good” secular music rather than my worship (so my mind wasn’t on God). I have nothing against secular music. I love some Khalid, Drake, and Beyoncé but when that type of music, which focuses on things other than God, becomes my go-to, my priorities start to shift away from God. During my free time, I was also replacing my productive activities with phone games. I noticed a change in my mood and how I wasn’t spending time with God as much as I was spending time checking in with life in the states. I was not present. I knew I needed change that. I journaled out my contract with God filled with limitations of my phone use. I wanted a “detox”.
Lesson learned: be careful with what you ask for. God might just give you that very thing.
I signed the journal with “Lord I know this is a lot, I can’t do this. So give me the ability and strength, provide a way to do this. Test my heart so that I won’t keep finding myself in this position and change it’s desires to be of you. Hear me Lord. Your daughter, Lilly.”
The next day, I am out at Savemor waiting for a Koombie. It has been over an hour, I’m blasting Khalid and chilling. We finally catch a bus and halfway back home I realize my phone was missing. I flipped out. I was searching in and out of my grocery bags and my purse. It is gone. I get back and people are trying to convince me to go back and look for it saying that “people in this culture do not take what isn’t theirs’!” So I go back and it is gone, we retraced our steps and checked the bus stop. Gone. I was so upset. However, as time continued to pass on, I started to shift my focus. I realized that I wanted a detox from my phone; I realized how I desired to be present once again (like how I was without power). I wasn’t happy that my phone was stolen, but I was excited to see what God was going to take me through now that I am without that distraction.
Two weeks or so passed without my phone and I had a revelation: A little over a year ago I went to Nepal for a month and we didn’t have any phones. I already had a feeling that God had big things in store while in Nepal for many reasons, but realizing that the entire month of Nepal I will not have a phone yet again got me excited. What big thing does he have in store that He took away one of my biggest distractions for that month? Additionally, we were informed that my team and a few others were going to be doing the same ministry as last time, including going to a rehab center (read my blog “My Story ~ My Vision” for clarification) which I believe is my second chance to make the most of it. I am so excited to be fully sensitive and present in Nepal. I have big prayers for this season!
So in losing a stupid cell phone I lost a distraction, a comfort, and what I thought was a necessity.
I rediscovered my ability to remain present, productive uses of my time, intentional conversations with my friends, and truth about how unnecessary a phone really is. (I’m still getting a new one asap) But I am honestly not even that mad about this loss. It resulted in so much good and so much growth! And stayed tuned for what the Lord is going to do in Nepal!!!!!!
*** LOSS OF MY HAIR ***
“What a lovely hairstyle!” A Lady walking on the opposite side of the path slowed down her pace to compliment my new hair, or lack thereof. She smiled ear to ear proceeding to tell me how beautiful I look. Does she know the story? Does she know how I actually did not want this? I can guarantee you, 100%, she did not. She has no idea how much I hated doing this, how much I currently struggle to like it. How can I explain that to her? I could stop and say “Oh this is why I did it…” but would she even care? I should just take the compliment and try to appreciate it. Part of me is fighting to see how I am beautiful in this state, it is not my preferable look. Part of me is soaking in the seemingly endless heap of compliments that pile onto me.
I buzzed off all my hair, leaving only an inch or so left.
It is gone!
One of my biggest insecurities is my physical appearance. I have always put my appearance on a peddle-stool. It’s dumb to say this, but if someone didn’t like me I would first think “am I not pretty enough?” I would feel like I can’t be in a friend group because I didn’t look like them. I would spend a ton of time on Instagram comparing myself to others, even Instagram models (so wrong and harmful)! If someone said I would look good with short hair, I would cut it. If someone said I should grow it out, I would. If my blonde hair got more compliments and notices than my dark brown hair, I would dye it and highlight it constantly or vise versa. I would straighten, curl, or do whatever to my hair solely to impress people. My beauty rested in the ever-changing opinion of my peers. I would hide behind my hair if I felt ugly. If I had a bad hair day, I was just ugly all together.
I craved a fresh start – spiritually and physically. I wanted to let God speak into my beauty.
Have you ever wondered (mainly directed towards ladies but not limited to…) what your hair would look like before dying and heat? Well I always have. On top of that, I am frustrated with how much I have changed my hair for other people’s approval. On top of that, my idea of beauty found a dependency in the form my hair. For some reason I truly believe that without my hair, I was no longer beautiful or desirable. I spent so much money and so much time changing and caring for my hair to find my worth and beauty. I would only believe I looked good if my peers approved and said so themselves. I never gave God a say in my beauty. I never listened when He was shouting the truth at me. Why would I listen to anyone, including myself BUT God in telling me that I am beautiful? No one has the ability to dictate whether or not I am, they did not create me. The one who created me doesn’t make mistakes, and He made me stunning in His eyes. Furthermore, 1 Peter 3:4 says – “Rather, it (your beauty) should be that of you inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” That is why I shaved my hair. It isn’t enough to just say I will choose to believe that my beauty is never fading and only found in what God says and to encourage my sisters to believe them same, when deep down I still idolized my looks and my hair. I decided to take this into action and remove anything that came before God.
Yep. It is all gone. It freaks me out that my head is fuzzy. But hair grows back; this is a long-term decision but not a permanent one. In 1.5 to 2 years, my hair should be back to the length it was when I shaved it off. It is the meaning behind it that makes an lasting impact. My beauty isn’t in my hair, which was my obsession. So I am snipping it out of my life (for now).
I may be looking like a egg (maybe not idk) but I am a beautiful egg (Jk ya’ll). Regardless, my beauty is dependent on my creator and he says I am breathtaking regardless of my weight, skin tone, or hair style/color.
I lost a sense of beauty, security, and identity.
BUT
I lost the burden of pleasing others, I lost a false source of beauty, and I lost a burdensome idol.
I am finding my beauty despite something I thought dictated whether or not I was beautiful. I am finding more and more freedom every single day.
Additionally, I was told that women in India only had shaved heads if they committed some type of sexual crime/sin and no one talks to them. They are the “untouchables.” At first I was worried it would ruin my ministry then I realized two things 1. They know I am American and that this doesn’t mean the same thing. 2. Aren’t those the women that I would want to meet and talk with? Aren’t those the women that need to hear how loved and redeemed they are the most? THEY are my peers, my friends, my ministry. I am so excited to further see what that looks like.
SOME PERKS: Imagine this: you walk in your room almost 5 hours past your bedtime (so it is about midnight, lol) and you sigh heavily… “AWWW dang I have to wash my face AND brush out my long nappy hair.” As you reach up to take your hair out of a bun you are greeted with a soft, fluffy, bald head instead of greasy, knotty, and long hair. It is so nice to be able to skip that step.
Imagine this: it is 100 plus degrees outside, everyone is scrambling for a hair tie and you just splash some water and shake out the water. BOOM. Instantly refreshed.
(THOSE WERE JUST TWO SOURCES OF COMIC RELIEF TO WATER DOWN THE CORNINESS, YOU’RE WELCOME!!!)
I know God will continue to speak into this bald season of my life. Can’t wait to see what he says!
Thank you for reading 🙂
P.S. – This is the end of my series (for now) ! Thank you for reading! Stay tuned for what the world race has in store for me in the next three countries. *Screams internally* (AHHHHHHH)
