*** FIRST SEASON OF HEARTBREAK ***
I’ll admit – sometimes I try to force my will before the Lord’s. I try to make my plans without God’s consultation (like I even have that choice). Sometimes I ignore what He is clearly saying, trying to drown out his voice with my own. I try to replace that still small voice with a loud consuming one. This blog post you’re about to read is requiring me to lay aside all my pride. It isn’t a pretty feeling and I honestly don’t want to post this. You may ask “why are you posting it then, it is your blog”? Why would I continually post blogs that are completely vulnerable, raw, and real? Why would I write and share blogs that make me uncomfortable and that challenge me? Well, for that reason. They are vulnerable, raw, and real, they are uncomfortable and challenging and that is what God has laid on my heart to share with you. I am a mere vessel for His will, and in my brokenness and honesty, there is beauty and redemption for myself and hopefully someone who reads this. I will lay aside my pride and my fear of being vulnerable in order to share how I have grown and to help others grow. Please continue reading, but know that this is my heart: to be real, to share the good and the bad filled with hope that it will reach someone else’s heart. To be blunt, these blogs may be emotional and honest, but that is the reality of what I am going through and in that, it glorifies My Heavenly Father. So, despite my hesitance to post these next few blogs, I will anyways because it glorifies my Lord, and that is what I am alive for.
Here we go…
The season before the world race I knew God wanted me to be single because I needed to focus on preparation and I needed to strengthen my relationship with God. He knew what I needed when all I could see was what I wanted. I chose to get into a relationship before the race knowing that I was in a season of singleness, knowing that I would probably be broken hearted when I launched for the race.
Not only was it against AIM’s regulation (to pursue a romantic relationship, especially if you started dating after being accepted), but it was a distraction. I found myself more interested in this relationship rather than preparing for the upcoming season in my life and my crucial (and deteriorating) relationship with God. I have no one to blame for my lack of spiritual and physical preparation but myself. I was all-consumed with my person, rather my God and that led me into many distractions. I was now replacing my need for a relationship with God for a counterfeit one with a guy. I didn’t realize how much this decision tore me away from God and how much it made me lose sight of Him.
This relationship wasn’t in God’s timing and he wasn’t the one God had in store for me. I put more value into this individual rather than in God and my faith. I put my security in being loved by him before my first Love (who is God, btw. In case you didn’t catch that memo). I ignored everything the Lord was saying over and over again until I blocked His voice out completely.
Stepping foot in Africa, I had no idea how much my life would be wrecked in the best way possible. My days quickly became consumed with God. I was obsessed with my Bible, reading it like it was “New York Times Best Seller” (or my teammates so observed). I was convicted of how much I have neglected God and ran from Him. I craved that closeness and intimacy. I missed hearing His voice. I forgot the undeniable and unexplainable peace. I desired to have that unshakable joy. A few hours in, I decided that I wouldn’t let anyone or anything distract me from God, or pull me away anymore. I was excited that I was away from distractions so I could focus on God.
The first month, I felt uneasy though. It wasn’t the lack of power, the lack of skirts to wear to ministry, the lack of healthy food, the lack of clean floors, etr. It was an internal anxiety that swept over me. I was journaling about it every so often and the uneasiness always tied into this entry: “I am afraid of who the Lord will prune out of my life in order to follow Him.” Deep down I knew that earthly relationships were the biggest barriers to my heavenly relationship. I knew I was held back by my desire to be loved by people before my desire to be loved by God. I couldn’t accept it though; it was too painful, too scary. Instead, I prayed that the relationships would miraculously change and become God-centered all of the sudden, even if they didn’t have a relationship with God. I prayed a lot, especially for my relationship with my boyfriend. I prayed for over a month about that topic alone.
I learned costly obedience to the Lord the first time after month one debrief. The first time following God truly broke my heart was when I realized that I had to surrender my relationship and end it in order to pursue God.
Heartbreak. It isn’t confined to a state of being. Heartbreak is an actual physical sensation too. You can feel your heart start to palpitate out of your chest, then you feel it in your throat. Heartbreak is a physical pain as well as an emotional one, let me reassure you of that.
I lost someone that I valued and loved, someone I held in my heart. In losing them, I found room for God to fill more and more of my life. I lost a dream for my future, but I found a better reality in my Father.
Since heartbreak, I have found that my relationship with the Lord is deepening. Trust, obedience, submission, and love are now replacing anxiety, disobedience, rebellion, and uncertainty in my walk with God. I have also found that He is the greatest source of comfort for me and that His love and truth wash over me, overwhelming me with peace when I would have felt pain and confusion.
The world race had heartbreak in store for me, yes. However, my Lord who delivered an entire nation, split the Red Sea, walked on water, healed the sick, raised the dead, gave the blind sight, gave the lame a dance, gave the mute a song, died in our place, defeated death, and gave humankind a hope and purpose had growth and love in store for me.
What an amazing God I serve, that He would turn my sin and pain into a testament of His mercy and love! What an amazing Father!
So this blog is coming to an end, but I want you to walk away with this: following the Lord will cost you, that is true, but the reward outweighs the payment 100 fold.
Thank you for reading! Stay tuned for a continuation of this series! 🙂
