I stand with two suitcases, one in each hand. A mix of eagerness and anxiety sweep over me as I try to recollect how I ended up here. While my body isn’t moving, my mind is going 100MPH. While my heart is ready to step forward, my legs remain stiff. A large, elaborate building stands within a few yards of where I find myself, intimidating me with its grand appearance. I am still standing there shivering in my giant fur coat. Snow is falling heavily and without ceasing. It covers the entire ground within view in a thick layer of powdery white snow. I could barely see my hand if I placed it out in front of my face. The snow is swirling around me and the wind is howling. I mean, obviously it’s snowing, it’s Russia.
I sit up quickly, baffled. I rub my eyes and look around me. I am in my bed back in Florida. I try to shake the weird dream I just had. I get up and go about my normal 13 year old morning routine and over breakfast I started to recollect what I just dreamed despite my attempt to push it aside. Somehow, in my dream, I was aware of the fact that I was in Russia about to enter an orphanage. All I could think was “Okay cool. Never going to Russia, don’t feel like dying of hypothermia any time soon.” I thought nothing of it for four years.
Fast forward to summer 2017. I am 17 years old and I am sitting on the floor of a hotel in Kathmandu, Nepal having my devotional. (I haven’t thought about my dream since the morning after I had it).
I was struggling with God because I had some pushed back unforgiveness and pain that was eating away at my well being. I was unhappy, bitter, and it was holding me back from experiencing God. After a long day of ministry, I have already cried multiple times and started to feel all of this pain resurface. I plopped down on the floor, (it was normal for us to just sit around the hotel like that don’t worry) grabbed my journal and just cried out to God. To this day, I have that journal entry.
I will be completely real with you (the reader) and let you know what it said: “Lord, I am sick and tired of feeling this way. I want to know you in an intimate way. I want to have a relationship with you and to see you move in me and through me. But I can’t right now. The pain I have is like a blockade that always stops me right when I am about to experience you. I don’t want the pain of my past* to be a crutch. I want to find freedom. God, I beg of you, deliver me please! I promise, I will follow you with my whole being and I will go anywhere you tell me to go, I will give up whatever you want me to give up. Just hear me, Father. Set me free.”
At this point I was breaking down in tears and I couldn’t write any more so I switched to prayer. I was finally broken to the point that God was ready to remold my heart and create a new life in me. The rest of the day pasted by and I started to feel less emotional but I saw no “fruit” of that moment I had pleaing with God. Until the next day. I shared my testimony and parts that would usually trip me up didn’t. As I thought about the pain that would bother me, it seemed more like a “It USED to hurt me” rather than a “I am STILL hurt.” I started to just feel more free. My day to day mindset and my overall thought-process changed and I started to see God working around me. Remember my promise earlier? Yeah, I did too.
I went to sleep after my first day feeling some peace and freedom in a long time. Then something surreal happened. I had a familiar dream that goes something like this:
I stand with two suitcases, one in each hand. A mix of eagerness and anxiety sweep over me as I try to recollect how I ended up here. While my body isn’t moving, my mind is going 100MPH. While my heart is ready to step forward, my legs remain stiff. A large, elaborate building stands within a few yards of where I find myself, intimidating me with its grand appearance. I am still standing there shivering in my giant fur coat. Snow is falling heavily and without ceasing. It covers the entire ground within view in a thick layer of powdery white snow. I could barely see my hand if I placed it out in front of my face. The snow is swirling around me and the wind is howling. I mean, obviously it’s snowing, it’s Russia.
I told everyone on the trip with me that God revealed a dream about me moving to Russia after four years almost immediately after I promised to go wherever he sent me. They all became super supportive and kind of started to tease me over the next month in Nepal whenever Russia was mentioned outside of my dream.
Then, sitting in a garden (still in Nepal) a permanently placed missionary asked if any of us felt called to long term mission work. My hand shot up and I said “Yeah! I am going on the World Race Gap Year next year and I may be coming back to Nepal. OH! And God has recently called me to move to a Russian Orphanage for possibly 2+ years!” That literally spilled out of my mouth, I didn’t apply to the World Race and didn’t know whether or not Nepal would be on the route. I didn’t even know if I would get accepted!
Just in case you are like “Yeah but how do you know it is God sending you to Russia?” I have decided to tell you what I think about this and God’s part in it now.
? First of all, I was never interested in long term mission trips or being a missionary. I wanted to have a comfortable life with decent money and a cute family that stayed at the same school and church K-12. I was all about those few months (1-3) abroad but 9 months even more so 2 YEARS+ as a missionary. Yeah, that was a hard pass on my half. So God clearly (RADICALLY) changed my heart and made it more like His. (Passionate about seeing His love and His kingdom being spread across the nations).
? Second of all, WHO THE HECK THINKS “oooo I would love to be a missionary in Russia!” ????? Especially at 13. Especially when it would’ve been reasonable to think that I should maybe move to Nepal (being that I was already there). But as we (should) know, God isn’t reasonable or careful; He is radical and risky.
? Third of all, I don’t find it coincidental that, after 4 or so years without the dream crossing my mind ONCE, that I suddenly had the same dream, the exact same way, right after my heart became ready to follow God no matter where I ended up.
? Fourth of all (??lol yeah I have many reasons), it is Biblical, that God can reveal Himself and His plans in dreams. The most common example would be the story of Jesus’s conception. An angel of the Lord came to Joseph in a DREAM and told Him that Mary was a virgin and that the baby was the Son of God. So while it seems sketchy to have a “dream” and start basing your life around it, I also know that God has done it before, He can do it again and I also can’t box God in. Neither can you.
? Fifth (and final) of all, I don’t know for sure. Walking out my relationship with God is 100% faith. Sure, He has shown Himself clearly, but I am a mere human and cannot comprehend God and His plans. So while I am pretty positive that this is what God has set for me, I cannot say that I am 100% positive all the time.
Now you may wonder why I would still go and do this crazy thing. At this point in my life I want to obey whatever God calls me to do for two reasons. 1) Reverence. I fear and respect God enough to know that when He says to do something, I have no right to talk back to Him or blatantly disobey Him. I know there is grace, but I can’t ignore the Holy Spirit. 2) Excitement!!! Like, think about it, God has such magnificent plans for us in store! I get butterflies thinking about what he has in store for me day to day and even in the long run (Russia lol). If the Holy Spirit prompts me to talk to a stranger, what if I can witness them accept Christ or what if they have an amazing story that is so powerful that it send chills down my spine?! I just want to experience as much as I can from God and I don’t want to miss opportunities that God has placed before me because I’d rather be comfortable or complacent.
So I know this is a lot. I have been too nervous to share this for over a year now, but I am not going to withhold all that God is doing in my life due to fear. Also, a quick disclaimer: I am not guaranteed to move to Russia. For example, God tested how real Abraham’s faith was and how far he was willing to go for Him by telling Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac. Up until the last minute, Abraham was literally ready to sacrifice his son but God provided for him. (The story is in Genesis, it’s awesome, check it out!) So God may be testing my faith to see if my heart is all in, if I am really willing to follow Him through it all. So we will see if God is testing me, maybe up to the point where I am about to buy the plane ticket and then He tells me to stay, or if I actually end up in Russia. We will see! I would appreciate some prayers as I listen to God for directions and for some peace because (TBH) I don’t want to move to Russia, it’s really cold. 🙁
God, you are good. You’re will be done! // ????, ?? ?????. ?? ?????????! (pronounced : “Bozhe, ty khorosh. Vy zakonchite”)
Oh wow! If you are reading this then you are freaking awesome and dedicated! Thank you so much for reaching the end of this extended blog. It means a ton to me because this is a big part of my life and has been a long process with God! (And there is no funny story after this because this blog is super duper long lol). I love you guys!! God bless! <3
