This month has been hard.
I feel myself isolating. Escaping to the beach with a book or to my bed with a book. Doing everything but trying to figure out why this is happening. What am I trying to escape? Why am I not opening the Bible but consistently running to a non-fictional story this month instead of opening the greatest story of all time.
I don’t want to have to think. It takes no effort to escape, in fact it’s easy and you don’t even realize you’re doing it. It takes too much energy and brain power I haven’t want to put forth in finding out why am I absorb in characters of a page versus the characters of my story that are right in front of me. This has been happening more than I care to admit this month.
I knew the month would come, they warned it would. The tickets home are bought and when they sent the email it specifically said….
“With all these conversations about home and second year opportunities it will be easy to get caught up in thoughts about the future. Remember, you are living RIGHT NOW in the fruit of a past dream. Please don’t miss today while you’re daydreaming about tomorrow.”
I am mentally checking out this month, I can feel it and I recognize it. I am not the only one on my team feeling this way.
A dream, living a past dream, right this moment, THAT IS SO TRUE. There is no time for a check out. I want more than anything to live out my remaining days of the race with the exact taste of the excitement, anticipation, and optimism that characterizes the beginning of this journey.
Truth of the matter, I am ready to be home.
I will just say it. I’m ready for stability of life back in the states and I’m ready to see my people and be back in the city I love working towards my future plans post race. At the same time I know I’m on this incredible opportunity with the Lord and doing something that people only dream about. It’s such a weird place to be.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be home and then when I get home I will be wishing I were back ha. I have been gone for 9 months, that’s completely normal. But that will come, it’s going to happen, sooner than I realize. I don’t want to wish time away and go home with regrets with how I finished out the race. I want to finish it the exact same way I started, with purpose and passion. There’s still work to be done. God has me right here in Panama on this very day and two last countries ahead of me.
I have two choices. Get out of my head, do something about it, or ride it out the duration and then get to the end and think to myself “Lauren, you had all the power at how you wanted those last months of the journey to look like and you didn’t do anything about it.”
The last stretch of the race is actually harder than what I expected mentally. To keep going, to be present, and to look at what’s in front of me and not ahead.
It’s easier said than done
If I’m being honest.
