5-31-19.
I opened my journal. The pen always has an uncanny way of showing you a glimpse of what’s going on inside your heart. First step is opening the book and then it just takes over asking that you just trust what it has to say. And without hesitancy you know you can because it’s not your story you’re writing but it’s an author far greater than yourself.
So the ink meets the paper…
“What does it mean to be real? Specifically with you God. Sometimes I think we can forget that you take us just as we are. There’s no pretense with you, you know every part of our being, every hair on our head, so what’s the point anyway? It would be exhausting to try to be anyone other than what you have specifically designed me to be. By being real with you, real with myself and living in true authenticity; I am saying to you that what you have created is good and perfect. You put a lot of thought and love into every intricate part of me. Thank you for setting me apart. I love me because you first loved me. I’m sorry for the times I felt I wasn’t enough or didn’t measure up; how that must have grieved your heart. Because in you I am more than enough.”
That was simply it. As if the pen ran out of ink my fingers didn’t seem to want to move anymore. I stopped writing and shut the book.
I turn 35 in ten days. I spent most of my 20s not realizing how unhappy and unfulfilled I truly was. When I knew I was going to be on the race for my birthday this year I immediately checked to see which country it was. I knew nothing about Panama, not even a blimp on my radar. I was walking the beach this week (yes our home is on the beach this month and I’m just considering this a early birthday gift from God) and realizing I’m hitting my mid 30s and the biggest smile came to my face.
I have loved everything about this decade. It’s been the sweetest season of my life to date. Nothing about my life is conventional right now but soon enough I will find myself back in the states and wondering how I can beautifully live out this life back home. If my soul purpose for coming on the race was to allow him to love me deeper, learn his character in new and beautiful ways and learn how to love him and myself in true, real, authentic love the way he desires, I would do this all over again. I am determined I don’t want to live status quo, I don’t want to be just like everybody else. I get to be who he created me to be, I get to love how he’s calling me to love, and he’s allowing me to come to a place of loving every part of myself, knowing that every intricate detail of who I am is no mistake, YOU are no mistake. He loves you so very much and so do I!
i love to hear how the Lord is working in your life through my journey. So comment and let me know.
And as always, much love to you all!!
