About three weeks ago, after what seemed like an endless amount of hours spent on a bus, we finally arrived in Siem Reap, Cambodia! Once we got here we met with our squad leaders that flew all the way from America to see us and to lead debrief. Debriefs on the World Race are usually a couple days to relax and process what all happened in the previous country we were in and to ask God what He has for us in the upcoming country we are about to start ministry in. Our debrief in Cambodia was different than the ones we’ve had so far because it was time for TEAM CHANGE! I will no longer be living with the people I’ve lived with the past four months. I will have 5 new people I will be living with! During the beginning of debrief, the whole squad of 35 people came together with our pens and journals in hand, ready to think about and write down what we wanted to stop, start, or continue doing on our new teams. As we were finishing, one of the leaders said, “If there is anything you have left unsaid to a teammate or if you need to ask forgiveness from someone, do it now.”. As soon as that was said I saw my friend, Jillian walk over to my other friend, Kaitlin who I was sitting next to. Jillian asked Kaitlin to forgive her for something she had done. Without hesitation, Kaitlin’s immediate response was, “Oh, Jillian of course I forgive you! I love you!”. Kaitlin said this with such sincerity and in the gentlest way. They shared a big heartfelt hug and Jillian went back to her seat.
After overhearing this, I turned to look at Kaitlin with tears in my eyes. I told her how I had just had an instant perspective change while listening to their conversation. I told her that I had always known God to be a forgiving God, but I had thought that every time I would ask Him to forgive me for something He would be disappointed and in a way frustrated with me. I saw Gods forgiveness as an “I forgive you, but you need to get yourself together because I ain’t got time for this” kind of forgiveness. I never saw God as gentle and truly loving towards me. I always had a “Okay I promise I’ll do better. I’m trying to get myself together” mentality toward Him.
As I continued to replay Kaitlin and Jillian’s conversation in my head, I realized that if Jillian would have gotten up out of her seat multiple times to ask Kaitlin to forgive her over and over again, Kaitlin would have said, “Jillian, I don’t know why you keep asking for forgiveness when you are already forgiven.”
I realized that I have been doing this with God for over two years. I’ve been asking for His forgiveness over and over. I’ve been walking in Gods forgiveness, but I’m the one who needs to do the forgiving.
I needed to forgive myself.
Because of this realization I found through Kaitlin and Jillian’s conversation that morning, I was able to have a conversation with myself later than night about some things I’ve been holding onto from the past.
I was finally able to forgive myself and see God for who He is. A gentle, patient, loving God who loves me (and you) unconditionally.
The next night, the guys on the squad took turns praying for each girl while washing our feet. They said to close our eyes and imagine Jesus washing our feet instead of them. I sat on the floor watching each girl get her feet washed. I sat there in amazement. I have read in the Bible about Jesus washing His disciples feet. Think about that! The Savior of the world, Jesus on His knees washing sinful humans dirty feet.
I have had a hard time especially lately knowing my worth. If I’m honest, I feel bad for treating myself to things (literally everything). For going out to eat and spending money on myself. I don’t even let myself order extra guacamole at Chipotle because it costs extra! Even while I’ve been on the World Race, I have felt bad for taking a hot shower and sleeping in a real bed when I’ve had the chance to. I realized that I have felt bad about these things and have felt bad for treating myself well because I don’t feel worthy.
I ended up letting one of the guys wash my feet that night. I sat there and realized that if Jesus was actually here He would wash my feet because I AM worthy. Not because of anything that I’ve done, but because of what Jesus did for me. Jesus took every sin I have ever committed upon Himself. He paid for my unworthiness on the cross. Because I have accepted Him as my Savior, God sees me as His child who is forgiven, loved, and worthy all because of Jesus.
So when I get back to America you can find me at Chipotle ordering that extra $1.25 scoop of guacamole on my burrito.
Thanks for reading 🙂
Here’s the faces to put with the names! Kaitlin (left) & Jillian (right)
