This is a longer blog, but it’s worth reading to the end! This one is very close to my heart!
I got home from training camp yesterday and WOW. I am struggling to find words. I learned and experienced so much, I would need days to write about it all, so for now I’ll focus on the biggest concept I learned: I’ve never truly believed that God loves me. The reason why I’ve struggled with trying too hard (read earlier blog) and with being insecure is that my identity has never been rooted and grounded in God’s love.
Throughout the last ten days, this fact has been continuously brought to my attention. What’s strange is that I’ve never understood my own heart clearer than I did during camp. I recognized that I felt unnecessary, unimportant, unworthy, and not valuable. I felt displaced among my squad, all because I didn’t grasp the fact that God loves me. My view of Him is broken. My view of myself is broken. God spoke to me in these ways:
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If you read my last blog, I talked about the verse in 1 Peter 2 that says “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.” This verse came up 3 more times! One of the leaders read that passage to my whole squad, and another day I was looking at the merchandise table, and there were devotionals for sale. I picked one up, and inside, there was a personalized bookmark with that verse hand-written on it. Later, a girl on my squad was doing henna tattoos on people, and she picked to word chosen to place on my arm.
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One night during worship, God put Romans 8:39 on my heart, and I felt like I needed to share it, but wasn’t sure how. After worship, the Gap Year manager came on stage and said that God had given a quieter girl a verse to share and I immediately knew she was talking about me. I went onstage and shared it. “… neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
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Another night during worship, a girl on my squad prayed over me, and something she said stuck with me the rest of the time. “Jesus thought of you while he was on the cross.”
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We were asked to raise our hands if we had felt left out at any point in during training camp, and those who didn’t raise their hands prayed over those who did. Three girls prayed over me, and their messages were reassuring and encouraging to me. They said things such as, “You are beautiful”, “I know that God is going to do amazing things through you”, and “This squad wouldn’t be the same without you”.
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During worship, I felt pressure on my back, as if someone were placing their hand on me, but I knew that no one was. I imagined Jesus sitting with his arm around me, or an angel sent to comfort me.
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One of the last nights, we each made a covenant to the Lord about what the next 11 months would look like. As I listed off my promises to God, I pictured Jesus and I standing underneath a trellis, on a wedding altar. I was saying my vows to him. Instead of exchanging rings, he held out his bloody hands, showing me what he had given in order to have me. In response, I held out my heart and said, “This is all I have to give. Will you still take me?” And Jesus replied, “That’s all I’ve ever wanted!”
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We were asked to ask God what He thought about us, and draw a picture of His response. I saw a picture of a tree sitting by a river. At first, I thought it was so boring! A tree? Really? But then I was reminded of an instance last month, where I saw a tree stump, and commented to my siblings how amazing I thought it was. So intricate with all it’s rings. Realizing that God saw and loved and cared about my every intricacy, thought, and feeling brought me so much joy. He cares about every single part of me.
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Our teams were practicing hearing God’s voice by asking Him what He wanted certain people to hear. My teammates and I would close our eyes, and our team leader would tap someone on the shoulder. We would listen and God would give us words or pictures to share with that person. When she tapped on my shoulder, one of my teammates said that God was putting the song Jesus Loves Me on her heart.
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One of our leaders was explaining how God, before she’d met anyone on my squad, had asked her to listen to Him for a prophetic word for each of us. For me, she had written the word ‘unwavering’, along with the verse in Mark 9. In the story, a man’s son was possessed by a demon. The man came to Jesus and pleaded, “But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” “‘If you can?’ said Jesus. ‘Everything is possible for him who believes.’ Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, ‘I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!’”
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This morning was the first church service I’ve attended since getting back from camp, and the message was all about…take a guess! God’s love! Romans 8 and being royalty were mentioned, along with feeling the physical touch of the Lord! I was so blown away and excited!!
God just won’t let me go without making sure I get it: He loves me like crazy! I can’t miss this point! It is the gospel! That God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son! I am humbled and mind blown that God would so relentlessly chase me down just so little old me could experience His crazy love for me!
Something that all the racers were told during camp is that Satan will lie to us in the upcoming weeks. One of the big ones is: 1) That nothing that happened at training camp was real, and we didn’t actually change. He will try to convince us that this whole experience was simply a mirage, an optical illusion, a fantasy. But this is not the case. I know that God was speaking to me and teaching me about His love for me. His love is not a mirage, it is the truth: a firm foundation. This change and freedom I experienced was not a whimsical fairy tale. What happened was as real as the earth being round. Please continue to pray for my ability to believe in God’s love and confidence in His work in my life during training camp and beyond.
I could share so much more about training camp. It was physically, emotionally, and spiritually taxing. It was fulfilling and beautiful at the same time. I met the people that are becoming my family, and I love them! If you have any questions, please ask! I would love to share my experiences with you.
P.S. To all my prayer warriors and financial supporters, YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING!!! I have almost met my August goal of $10,000! I can hardly believe it! Thank you all so much! God is using you in mighty ways!!!
Love,
Kirsten
