In Recovery

 

Psalm 37:6-7

 

 

 

I’ve been back in the states since December 23rd.

It has been an interesting time full of wonderful joys, and full of difficult battles.

I will be home for 2 months before leaving out again to Spain for G42, read about G42 here https://www.generation42.org.

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The details of the joys and battles.

I apologize ahead of time, because the organization is lacking in this blog, but I’m just pouring it out as it comes.

 

I returned back to the states physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually depleted. The last three months Team Leading were different than the first 11. Both good, both hard, but these three months were hard in a different way.

Because of that I have been do counseling at Mom and Dad’s church. Mt. Pleasant Baptist Church has been an incredible support to me over the past year and a half.

I have battled with not desiring to study the scriptures or journal pray, both which are normal daily practice for me. I began feeling guilt, with lies being whispered to me that I didn’t desire the Lord. It took a while for me to realize that those thoughts were incredibly un-true. I greatly desired the Lord, in face I was desperate for Him, because I sure as heck had no strength on my own. For me it was that reading and writing required A LOT of energy from me in the state I was in.

I also found myself sleeping in later than usual. Also, feeling guilty for that because I felt that I was being “lazy”.

Through counsel, and recovered hearing from the Lord, I realized this girl just needed some rest. 

So the big question I was asking myself was “What is the best way for me to rest right now?”. The answer to this question was, to do the things that I enjoy. If you know anything about depression or have studied psychology. This is one of the number one things you would encourage someone with depression to do, DO WHAT YOU LOVE!

So my time for the past 3 weeks have looked like the 1st week doing Christmas, a wedding, and New Years with World Race friends and driving all over North Carolina. 

The past two weeks at home with the family I have been doing a lot of

sleeping,

cooking,

baking,

eating Indian food,

going to the movies,

cuddling with puppies (actually grown dogs) and kittens (actually grown cats),

and sometimes thinking about the future coffee business and/or prepping for G42.

 

The good news is I finally found my groove for quiet time again. But it has just looked a little different. I confess, I am not back to consistent yet, but it seems that quiet time for me this season is better suited at night.

I have never had a habit of time with the Lord at night, but it seems deeply symbolic to this season. Sitting with the Lord at night… in the dark. In the good in the bad, in the break of dawn, in the setting of the sun, in the sunniest day, in the darkest night… He’s there, but right now I need to learn how to pursue him in the night, in the dark.

I’ve done quite a bit of mourning and surrendering since I’ve been home as well. But sitting with the Lord at night I have not poured over the scriptures (abiding in the Word is a lot more than a 30 minute daily study), I have not journal prayed, but rather I have listened to sermons. I have listened to the Word (shout out to StreetLights Bible, go find it on spotify or download the app, it’s amazing). I have listened to worship music. I have sipped tea, and just sat with the Lord in the silence.

I think for years, I thought the most holiest of people were the ones who were constant in their time in scriptures and prayers. However, I think I’ve begun to step into holiness more when I’ve stepped into the silence with Him, for those days when I go to my secret place and just weep on my Father’s lap and in his arms, for those moments where I remain silent because I have no idea what to say on my part tot he girl who’s asking for my advice, but rather I just lean back on Him, for the moments when I feel defeated by sin in my life and all I can do is just sit in silence and let the Father move.