“The ache for Home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.”
-Maya Angelou
I had went off of social media for a little bit. My intentions were to cut off all contact except for my team (Allie, Maggie, Jezie) and God for this month as we are walking El Camino de Santiago in Northern Spain.
I’ve decided to come back on because I need to talk to more people for me to process things like I need to. If you don’t already know last month in Romania was the hardest. The enemy used some fairly clever tactics against me and the three things I desire the most and believe to be made for were attacked: Marriage, Motherhood, Ministry.
Writing about how I was attacked in these 3 areas would feel a blog itself. But on top of all of this, last month two friends and prior co-workers of mine were murdered. If you were confused about the Magpie blog, it was about them. I’m still tryin to figure out how to handle, process, accept, feel, whatever with it. It’s true, as one of my closest friends Jezie keeps telling me as we walk this Camino together, and was there when I received the news, “Death is weird”. Brendan and Anthony had a really special place in my heart.
It’s day 13 and we just finished walking 13 miles today as I lay in my bed at the albergue. The walk on the Camino is not what I was expecting. I was expecting probably something more along the lines of flashing lights and smoke machines as God boomed and echoed his voice down to earth to me giving revelation upon revelation. But that’s not exactly what is happening.
I will say, North Eastern Spain has my heart. It is beautiful with its mountains and ocean all within eyesight, and people so kind cheering you on as you pass by as they peek out of their homes, or pass by you, with a “Buen Camino!”
We’ve made friends along the way in albergues and have been able to have conversations along the topics of faith, Christianity, and Jesus. While also just enjoying company and laughing. The reputation we have among those we keep seeing along the Camino is that we are the slow Americans and can most of the time always be found in the kitchen of the albergue.
I will say I have solidified my understanding of who I am, how I operate, what gives me life, and what suffocates me while walking the Camino.
But I’ve also had blisters, one that looked more so like a bullet wound.
My feet and ankles have ached from the 17 miler days we’ve done.
Ringworm has now returned for the 4th time.
I’ve had a lot of weird dreams. Most of them about Brendan and Anthony, one about adopting my Elder’s son (weird), and another about returning to Pastor Willy and Mama Cristina’s in Medellin Colombia for Alumni Team Leading.
But my mind most of the time when I’m walking is thinking about my family. How I would much rather just be home right now. Even to the point of questioning do I really want to only be home for a month to just leave again.
Often times the long walks and hikes on the Race I’ve thought about my brother Jake. Hiking in Nepal I was just thinking about how in that moment I wanted to be at the movies with Jake eating popcorn and drinking coke. And as we walk now, my heart can hardly handle the longing for the moment I get to hug him for the first time in a year at the JFK airport in less than a month.
Watching a family walking the Camino together as the oldest daughter walked ahead with her dad engaged in such enthusiastic conversation. I longed to be with my Dad, out adventuring and having our theological conversations.
Last month and all through this month, I just want to hug my mom. There’s something about this grieving process that just doesn’t feel right without my mom’s embrace. There is still a nurturing that the soul needs even when you’re an adult.
Walking through farmlands and pastures reminds me of Home. And I think how much Nanny would enjoy northern Spain. So many horses, and it looks like what I’d imagine the coast of Ireland to look like, which she’s always wanted to see.
And any time I find a feather or a stone, my fascination with the littlest things of nature tickles me. Something I learned from my Grandmaw and reminds me over her often. Appreciating nature and the small things, kind of a quirky interest of mine as well.
I just can’t wait to see my family.
I have loved this squad and I believe I had already started mourning this community last month. But now it’s time. It’s time to go home. Even if for a moment to rest and be with family.
