I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.
1 Corinthians 7:35
Before the race I thought I understood boundaries. Well kinda. Anytime the word “boundaries” was used I thought about physical boundaries. You know the ones we usually hear:
•Don’t be in a room alone with a boy with the door shut.
•Don’t be on the same bed together.
•Don’t do the flirty laugh while hitting a guys arm.
•Don’t do lingering hugs.
•Don’t wear clothes that may cause a brother to stumble.
•No cuddling.
•No head on the shoulder.
•No hand on lower back.
But over the Race I have learned that boundaries go way beyond these. I was missing some significant knowledge and wisdom on the topic of boundaries with my brothers. Not to mention, with this ignorance, through the majority of my life, having close guy friends, I crossed a lot of boundaries that I didn’t know should exist.
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“GUARD YOUR HEART”
Now I will be the first to say that 9 times out of 10 I hate the phrase “Guard your heart”. This is actually a very biblical saying though (Proverbs 4:23). However, I feel that this phrase is used frequently as a cop-out from healthy vulnerability and intimacy with our brothers in Christ. In these instances the phrase “Guard your heart” is produced out of fear rather than confidence and desire for holiness. I want us to avoid falling into this trap of false holiness. So let’s talk about it from the perspective of desiring to be more like Christ and setting our focus on Him.
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BOUNDARY BAR GRAPH
Through a conversation with our CRU ministry host in Ecuador, I began to expand my understanding on this boundaries thing. Shout out to Brianna Bauchle!
She shared with us what had been passed on to her about boundaries. Imagine a bar graph and under each bar is a subject: Physical, Emotional, Spiritual.
All 3 of these bars should be at the same height and shouldn’t be more or less than the other when in a relationship with the opposite sex. Those bars may change depending on the status of the relationship: friend, boyfriend, fiancé, and husband.
The levels will be different for each relationship, but physical, emotional, and spiritual should shift together and remain the same amount. In other words we are reserving something in each category for each status of relationship.
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EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL BOUNDARIES
From that I then had to ask
what the heck are emotional and spiritual boundaries?
The hard way I have learned. And honestly it’s just a matter of asking yourself are you giving away parts of your mind, heart, or body that you’re giving to someone in particular? Because when you begin sharing parts of yourself with just one person and not openly to your community you begin to build a bond, you begin to build a soul tie, you begin to build a relationship that hasn’t even been identified or addressed. You’ve now given them a part of yourself that only they hold, and that’s dangerous. Especially if you can’t trust them to edify you with what you’ve entrusted to them. Even if you can, it’s not worth building this bond without understanding the direction the relationship is going.
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SPECIFICS
So these are some of the boundaries that I’ve learned…
Emotionally
•Break downs when you’re upset, about a specific topic that now only they know.
•Conversations about topics that you don’t often or easily share
•Not just sharing the hard emotions but sharing the exciting ones too
•Allowing them to come to you and vent, emotionally breakdown, or lean on you solely or predominantly without considering the Lord or the brothers around them
•One on one conversations about desires for the future such as what you want in a spouse, details on your desire for children, etc.
*disclaimer: Live in community and share these things with your brothers! However, it is wiser to do it in communal settings or with the assurance that they’ve spoken to the Lord first, and or have talked with their brothers.
Spiritually
•Talking about your faith and beliefs is a beautiful thing. However, when you begin to identify together on a certain subject a bond is created. Be careful with how deep you carry this conversation.
•Be careful with following the closely under their teaching. If a guy begins teaching you in a spiritual area or discipling you in an area, it’s probably not awesome. A bond will be created, and especially around the topic that they are teaching you, and there then becomes this dependability on their spiritual leading that you put on them that should come from a father, spouse, or a more mature women in the faith.
*Another disclaimer: these are the things I’ve learned. This is not a hard written in stone boundaries outline. But I do believe there is wisdom in considering them. What it ultimately comes down to is knowing your heart, soul, and body. What do you know are tempting subjects, touches, language, etc. that entices you to see someone past brotherhood?
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FEELINGS ARE A GOOD THING
I also want to make it very clear I’m not trying to prevent people from having feelings for another person. Liking godly brothers is good and right. What I am hoping that this encourages, is holiness, in pursuing God first by limiting distractions and temptations that could turn into idols or unhealthy attractions.
So then what are boundaries that you need to consider that you haven’t before?
