The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.
Psalm 138:8
A few weeks ago I had gone to my dear friend Alexa and sat on the floor in her bedroom, tears streaming down my face, as I laid my heart and hurt before her. I had experienced loss in my life, yet again, and this time it was accompanied by the self-criticism that I was not fulfilling God’s purpose for me. I have felt called to and desired to do ministry alongside of a husband, yet I have no husband. I have felt called to and desired to adopt children, yet I have no earthly father to provide for them, and therefore I have no children. I have been called to and desired to lead others to Christ, yet I have no one converted by my words to show for it. I have been called to and desired to be a part of a local ministry, yet the doors that seemed cracked open for ministry have all closed.
I brought all of this before my dear friend, not expecting anything but love and compassion. But in the midst of all of this brokenness, that I’m sure many other Christian girls have wrestled with, Alexa spoke some of the most powerful and freeing words ever spoken to me. She said to me…
“He is fulfilling His purpose for you.”
I was awestruck by these words that she said to me. I have had it wrong this whole time. There is this mystery and grand paradox of human responsibility and God’s sovereignty. I never seem to find myself balanced on this pendulum. More times than not, I put way more weight on my responsibility. What makes all of this even more powerful is upon sharing this experience with my friend Marguerite, she said “That’s scripture!”, and then she pointed me to Psalm 138:8. What a wonderful promise!
Even in the past two weeks the Lord has revealed to me my heart and my false belief that my relationship with Him was dependent upon me. I have had it in my mind that I must always hold on, and if I loosen my grip just a little our relationship will fall out of my hands and He will be gone forever. Out of that you can imagine the amount of pressure I have put on myself. Tell me you haven’t done the same?
“I have to be happy”
How many times have we told ourselves, “I have to be happy”? Surely I am not the only one who has lied to myself about how I really feel. Believing that if I am not 100% happy with the cards dealt to me for this day, week, or year I am being ungrateful, and God will be dissatisfied with that. HELLO! Have we even read the Psalms? David understood that God wanted to hear about all of his pain, about all his misunderstandings and confusion, and it was through honesty with God that he was strengthened. Sure the pain at times didn’t go away instantly, but he was given peace, hope and courage. We will never have such peace, hope, and courage if we don’t go honestly before the Lord and drink from his truth, compassion, and love.
“God only helps those who help themselves”
How many times have we believed, “God only helps those who help themselves”? I’ve heard this said before by many, and I don’t know what kind of theology this comes from, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. We never could help ourselves. We don’t possess that sort of power. My theory is that this concept comes from an over emphasis on our responsibility in our walk with the Lord. We don’t want to be lazy right? We want to as Paul says in Philippians 2:12, “work out your own salvation”. Let’s keep reading shall we? “Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure”, says Paul in verses 12 through 13. It is God that works in you.
“I have to be perfectly disciplined”
How many times have we compared ourselves to our sister to the left of us who gets up at 5 a.m. to read God’s word for 30 minutes, or our brother who spends undivided time knelt at his bed every night in deep prayer, or that friend on fire who seems to so easily able to share the gospel with people almost every day? If you are one of these amazingly disciplined people described above, praise God! I thank God for you. I desire to have intentional time with my King and that His good news would overflow from my heart into proclamation and deed. However, none of us are going to be satisfied with our time with the Lord or “the disciplines” if we keep comparing ourselves to others. I have realized in the past half year that coveting is one of the things I struggle with the most, and had not recognized it or called it for what it was. Oh how sly and tempting does sin appear, when we are not vigilant. Stop striving for someone else’s relationship with Jesus. It’s theirs not yours. If you keep striving for theirs, you’ll never cultivate your own.
Coming around full circle, for me, I have realized in my heart I have not been lazy and I have stepped forward faithfully in what I believe and know the Lord has called me to. The fact that a husband isn’t standing beside of me right now, the fact that I am not holding my son or daughter from India or Peru right now, the fact that I am not in full time ministry right now, and the fact that I have not seen a single soul changed before me and give themselves over to the Redeemer, is not anything that I really have control over. I have been faithful to share the gospel. I have been faithful to apply myself and volunteer for ministry. With stumbles along the way I have followed the Lords directions concerning a husband. Just because things don’t look how I want them to now is just fine. I’m not the one fulfilling my purpose, He is.
For the past year Desiring God articles have had an uncanny way of speaking to the seasons I have been going through. Check out this related article: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/every-moment-in-2013-god-will-be-doing-10-000-things-in-your-life
