Why are you so fat?! This is the question I’ve been asked the most since I’ve been on the race, and if I’m being completely honest it has stung a lot.
For most of my life weight has been something I’ve struggled with. It’s something that I’m super self conscious about and maybe even a little ashamed of.
Coming on the race I had a few fears that I fought with the Lord about and my weight was one of them. Would I be physically equipped? Will I be made fun of? Will people see me for who I am? or will my weight be too much of a distraction? The struggle was real guys. It was a topic I brought to the Lord on the daily in preparation for this trip. I was so scared.
During training camp last June, (Wow, that’s almost been a year ago!) we had a fitness hike we had to pass and if we didn’t pass we wouldn’t be able to launch with our squad. Talk about intimidating. I obviously passed, but it wasn’t an easy journey across that finish line. Praise God for grace because I failed the first hike and the second, but I passed the third time around! The lord needed me on this journey and no fitness hike was going to keep me from doing the work He had for me.
As I prepared for this journey I knew that I would be face to face with different cultures and with that comes a lot of questions and concerns not only for me, but for the people who make up these cultures. Often times in these different cultures such as Africa, to have meat on your bones means wealth. It means that you are being provided for and you are doing well financially. I would hear comments like “you’re so fat!” or “so and so is fat like you,” followed by them touching my arms or stomach to feel the extra flub I carry around. I was very uncomfortable and often times had to take my thoughts captive and remind myself where I was at and that they don’t mean any harm. This wasn’t easy, especially growing up in a culture that is so focused on body image where everyone is trying to look like the Kardashians (probably a little dramatic, but you catch my drift?) it was all in my face even more.
Here in Asia it’s not quite as positive of a thing as it was in Africa. Last month in Cambodia was a lot. I felt like every second, minute and hour of my day someone was commenting on how fat I was. IT WAS TOUGH. I was sad, frustrated, and angry. All I’ve ever wanted is to be seen and known for ME. One day as I was walking back to the hostel after grabbing some lunch, a man on a tuk tuk (a motorcycle with a cart that carries people from place to place) stopped me. He blatantly asked me why I was so fat? My reply back was that I am healthy. I asked him if being fat was a bad thing in their culture, and he quickly responded with a yes. I asked him why? He expressed that if you are fat you are out of breath all of the time, you eat A LOT, and can’t do anything for yourself. He seemed disgusted by that. In this moment I had two options I could allow this conversation to tear me apart and walk away pissed Or I could choose to bring awareness to how this makes me feel and speak the truth in love to him…I chose the ladder. The conversation is as follows:
Me: Just because you’re “fat” doesn’t mean you are unhealthy and just because you’re “skinny” doesn’t mean you’re healthy. I’ve seen a lot of people who are smaller than me, but are very unhealthy.
Guy on tuk tuk: Ok. hmmm. and laughs
Me: It hurts my feelings that I walk the streets of your country and the only thing that is noticed is that I’m “fat” I’m more than a tourist in your country. I’m choosing to be here because I want to be in community with you guys. I want to learn about your culture. I want to love you.
Guy on tuk tuk: [whole demeanor changes] Have you been to Cambodia before? The people in my country very kind.
Me: Yes I have. I was here 2 years ago and there is a reason why I’m back. I want to spread love. I agree the people in this country are very kind, but what you are doing isn’t kind. Laughing at me and calling me fat isn’t kind. Have you tried just saying hello to someone before judging them? Ask their name and try to get to know them? How would you feel if I came up to you laughing and making fun of you? You don’t know this, but I think I’m a pretty cool person, and I think the same about you.
Guy on tuk tuk: Yeah, you walked by and you said hi to me. You are kind. I’m glad that you are in my country. You are wanting to learn more about our culture. That’s so nice.
Me: Thank you. I’m happy to be here. I want to challenge that the next time you see someone who doesn’t look like you, don’t judge them. Say hello, ask them their name, try to get to know them.
The conversation ended well. I walked away knowing that something stuck during that whole encounter. I walked away feeling confident in who I am in Christ, and so proud that I had walked in such boldness and love. I got the opportunity to use something that has brought me so much heartache and pain to me in the past, and used it to bring truth and awareness to someone I didn’t even know.
I hope my story encourages someone today, whether your story is similar to mine or the guy on the tuk tuk. Be bold. Share your story or get to know someone else’s.
Much love,
Kayla
