Hello from Jaco, Costa Rica. We are heading into week 2 of month 2. I can hardly believe how quickly time is moving and how much God has already taught me in such a short time.
Here’s a little bit of a back story of my life. Having or keeping friends hasn’t always come easy. I went through middle school and parts of Highschool being bullied. I was bullied for my smile and my laugh. I know, mind blowing, but it’s true I was literally hated for the joy that I carried. As you can imagine this did a number on my self esteem. I went through life just wanting to be accepted, seen, and loved for who I was. I have always had this strong desire for deep and meaningful friendships, but so much to the point that I lost a sense of who I was. I was in friendships where I was manipulated and controlled so much that I wasn’t able to think and make decisions on my own without first filtering it through these friendships. It was toxic, but I didn’t see it. All I knew and cared about was that someone was paying attention to me and wanted me to be in their presence. All was right in the world in my eyes, finally. After years and years of this going on and realizing that literally nothing in my life had changed I went to God and said I know there is more please show me. He swooped me up in His arms, just like a good father does, and started me out on a journey of healing and identity. I moved to Nashville, TN where I got involved in an incredible church family, started counseling, met some of my best friends, and most importantly got to know God and His character for myself. It hasn’t even been close to easy, but so worth it.
Almost 2 months ago I started out on this journey for 11 months. I was happy and pleased with who I was as Kayla Burgess. I didn’t have a whole lot of complaints. I just knew there was more and God had more to show me about His creation around the world. Little did I know that He also wants to show me more about myself as His creation too.
The last few weeks I’ve felt like I’ve been haunted with some things from my past that I thought I had moved on from. Let me clarify, there hasn’t been any bullying, manipulation, or control happening. I love my team and my squad. They are all so much fun and so supportive. What I mean is I have found myself having a really hard time with feeling connection with them. I shared with them how I was feeling and they have been so loving and supportive, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling. I was feeling so alone, and wanted nothing more than to be back in Nashville with my community who I feel knows me inside and out. I was asking God what this was? Why am I not feeling connected or apart of this squad? I wasn’t getting much from Him. It wasn’t until I asked the question I thought I knew….Who am I? Like the gentleman He is, he replied, “My daughter.” I said I know that, but who am I? His response didn’t change. After a few tears and frustration I continued to do some self reflection with the Lord. All of my life I have taken on the identity of a chameleon. A chameleon is a reptile that has the incredible ability to change colors based on the environments it’s in. Because of my deep desire for relationship and acceptance I unknowingly took on this identity. I learned how to adapt in different environments based on the needs and beliefs of others. This is the first time I have never been able to adapt to an environment. This is why I have felt the sense of disconnect within my squad and team. I don’t know who the real Kayla Burgess is, so therefore I don’t know how I am suppose to operate in my own skin. God is showing me that He is undoing everything I have created this Kayla Burgess to be and creating me the way He intended for me to be. It hurts so much, but I am trusting the process and believing that God has the very best for me. He wants me to not only know who I am in Him, but actually walk in it. This is a really hard pill for me to swallow, but I am so thankful for where I am right now. I know God has incredible plans for my life and I can’t wait for it to begin to unfold. I am Kayla Burgess. The one who Jesus loves.
As always, thanks so much for your continued prayers and support on this journey God is taking me on.
Much love,
Kayla
