Training Camp has been one of the most freeing and amazing experiences I’ve ever had. God moves in such mighty ways when we’re willing to let go of our pain and pride. He reveals things that we often forget about ourselves or He reveals deep-seeded pain that has been buried for who knows how long. All I’ve got to say is this – I have never felt more vulnerable or peaceful than these past two weeks.
I want to share with you what God did for me, and I will. I had personal struggles after I stopped seeing my father. I stopped seeing him in 2015. The reason for our terminated relationship is he got into a relationship with a woman to be his girlfriend. At first, everything was fine. Everyone got along well enough and we made the best of it. But, over time, it seemed that his attention was focused more onto her than me, his daughter. As this happened, I experienced feelings of rejection and I decided to end the relationship while I could. Several other things happened that made me come to my decision, but it ultimately ended in pain and confusion. I loved my dad, but I didn’t feel love from him. I thought I wasn’t worth his time. As the separation continued, that anger morphed into bitterness. I refused to forgive him because I thought I would be excusing his behavior. I thought if I forgave him, he would have the go-ahead to do it again. What I eventually learned is that forgiveness frees the one who is hurt. Forgiveness helps let go of the hurt. But, before I learned that, I wandered down a dark road, walking in circles for two years. During this time, I had this void. I tried to fill it, but only shame and disgust came and dwelled within my spirit. Instead of turning to Christ, I let myself pointlessly fill this hole, letting to grow to where it nearly swallowed me, preying on me whenever it had the chance. I never felt more alone or worthless. I wanted to escape from the life I was living so I could start somewhere new. Countless times I almost went to the altar, but I couldn’t because I couldn’t confess what I had done. I didn’t want people to judge me. Even though I knew those people just wanted to help me, my shame held me back. I told myself, “You’re the ideal church kid. Once they find out what you’re dealing with, you won’t be seen in the same way. You’ll open yourself up to more condemnation and disgust. Just keep your mouth shut and deal with this yourself.” I couldn’t just open up about this.
Training Camp was my breaking point. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I wanted so desperately to feel like I was worth something. The girls on my team would say that they felt the Holy Spirit tell them to tell me that He loves me. Once they said that, I immediately thought, “I wish.” I wished that this God who died for me actually did love me because I thought He was disgusted with me. I wanted to feel loved and accepted. During worship on the second full day, I couldn’t hide it anymore. That pain was finally unraveling within me. All I could do was sob. I couldn’t hold in all of the pain and humiliation. This was my release.
I could finally let go of the pain from my father and from what I brought on myself. For the first time in months, I actually felt loved and free from condemnation. Peace finally soothed my soul, and I didn’t feel this burden across my shoulders anymore. My past stayed there. I wouldn’t let it hold me back from what the Lord has for me. He still loves me despite my flaws. He still wants me. He wants to take care of me and spend time with me because He loves me.
Never doubt the freedom that Christ gives. He is willing and He is able. Fighting your battles by yourself will only leave you defeated. With Christ, He will deliver you. “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14
