Hello, everyone! It’s been a LONG time since I have posted a blog, which is quite unusual for me, but I am kind of glad I didn’t write one earlier because I feel as if God’s timing is perfect for this post. This month, I have learned a lot about myself and what complete surrender to God looks like. Complete surrender is terrifying to say the least, but so beautiful because we have no idea what is happening, but God does. I wanted to share an excerpt from my journal that reflects what I have been learning this past month.
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Community living is hard— especially on the World Race when you live with a small group of the same people for around 3-4 months. You really get to know a person by living and doing life with them; it’s a beautiful way of living, but it can also be messy.
Since I’ve been in Africa, I’ve reflected a lot this past month about my personal relationships with others and how God has been growing and stretching me. I’ve been learning a lot about how fear and pride have effected my past relationships and the ones I am in now. For a portion of my life, I have lived in fear— fear that I will not please people or be enough for them, and that if I did show pepole my authentic self, it would be too broken or messy.
I didn’t like to be vulnerable or open up about my weaknesses with others until I learned that brokenness and vulnerability was beautiful. It was beautiful because it was an invitation from me to God saying, “hey, this part of me is pretty ugly, and instead of dealing with it and trying to fix it on my own, I want you to step in and take care of it for me.” Through brokenness and pain, Ive been able to become more and more of the person God wants me to be. But then I had to overcome another obstacle: pride.
Pride is dangerous— it’s like a disease we are obsessed with, and it’s hard to swallow. Pride leaves a bad taste in your mouth, and no one likea to admit it, but we all suffer from it.
Since I started to open up with my teammates about things I’ve been wrestlting or struggling with, I started to notice how prideful I was becoming in myself. I started to think I was better than other people because I was being real with people, but I wasn’t being completely real and honest with myself. I had high expectations and rules for myself; I wouldn’t let myself feel frustrations or any negativity towards situations or other people because I thought it was my fault and I had to get over it.
I had no idea that by bottling up and suppressing my emotions that I was actually hurting myself and others. I wasn’t loving them or myself because my pride told me that it was my problem and my situation that I had to get over. It wasn’t anyone else‘s fault, but my own, and I had to handle it by myself.
There is so much fear and pride behind that mindset that God was like, ”yeah, that has got to go. You gotta let me step in and handle that.” So I did. Over time, I gave God the space and ability to guide my relationships with me.
When I started to be real with myself about how I was feeling, my pride started to diminish. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with pride, but it is becoming easier to be honest with myself and others. I am able to just be. To just be and have grace for myself and others.
My mindset has began to change— I no longer feel the need to always be heard and seen by others. I used to feel like I had to fight to compete for the spotlight, but now I’m ok with not always being the main act. I like to encourage others and give them compliments. I love to rejoice with them, and I am able to mourn with them. I am able to be confident in my relationship with God and be reminded that I am His and nothing can shake that (Romans 8:38-39)
God is shining light onto the areas of my life where he wants to shine through. And even though it isn’t always pleasant or peaceful— it is good. It is good because God himself is the goodness.
And the most beautiful part of all of this, is that it‘s all possible because of Jesus Christ— my savior, my best friend, he gives me life.
“Jesus said, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to know the Father except through me.’“ John 14:6, Amplified version
