Dear perfection,
For a huge portion of my life I have strived for perfection. This idea to be the perfect daughter, student, Christian, woman, etc. seemed attainable to me, but honestly it was exhausting. I would set high expectations for myself and live according to these high and unrealistic standards. I knowingly would set myself up for future failures/anxiety because there is no way to be perfect in all areas and roles of my life. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I set myself up for disappointment.
I’d create lists of goals I’d want to accomplish or become , but upon creating all these lists, I would get so lost in the “to-do’s” and “what if’s” that at times it became hard to sit still and enjoy life. My plans were getting in the way of God’s plans for myself, and I wasn’t letting Him use me in the ways he so desired.
Don’t get me wrong, I am very much a type B personality who easily goes with the flow, but in my spiritual and social lives I was ultimate goal-setter/planner.
Socially, I wanted to be liked and loved by everyone. I had this strong desire to please those around me— so I’ve been told I’m a “people-pleaser.” I wanted to feel welcomed and accepted for who I was, but often feared that my true self was not good enough. I felt like a bother or an annoyance to those around me, so I would build up walls to keep people out. These walls were my coping mechanisms to avoid intimacy and authenticity with friends and family. These walls I built were in the form of loud, bold outbursts of laughter or lengthy monologues that would distract people from getting to know me.
I wanted to bring attention to myself to feel loved, but only on the surface or to fuel my pride.
Before coming on the race, I carried a lot of pride. I kept telling myself that I was going to do all these great things and that people at home would be so impressed with me for doing the race. I thought I’d become this Instagram famous missionary who went on the race and found her calling to an orphanage in Africa or something. I thought people would think of me to be an inspiration or a role model, like some Biblical character. But oh my— I was in for a rude awakening.
Upon arrival in the Dominican Republic, I was hit hard with conviction. I didn’t feel like I was furthering God’s kingdom with a righteous mindset; I was serving other people with this mindset that I would glorify myself instead of God. It was hypocrisy, and God made it very clear to me about why I was there: to serve.
I felt God calling me to be his servant. A servant to Christ. A servant to further his kingdom while serving him.
Throughout our first week in the DR, I began to notice shifts in my heart and mind. These shifts started to align with God’s heart and plan for his people. Here are a few truths I’ve learned since I’ve been here.
- This life is not my own— it is God’s.
“Then Jesus told his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 16:24-25
This was really hard for me. This meant/means surrendering my will and my plan for God’s will and his plan. This is easier said than done. I talked with God about this for awhile, and I kept holding on to my plans with white-knuckles, but he wanted open palms. He wanted me to receive his will for me with wide open arms, but this meant lying down my own desire for perfection in exchange for God’s will.
This means sacrificing my desire for a husband, a family, a dream job, etc. My life may not me getting married or having kids, and recently I’ve learned that it will be OK if I don’t. It will be OK if I don’t get married or have kids because God knows my desires and He has something even greater in mind for me.
- To love the Lord with your entire being, and to love others as yourself.
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: you shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 22: 36-40
Y’all. Take a moment to read over that again.
“Love the Lord your God with all your….” excuse me? Yep. You read and heard that right. “With all your heart, soul, and mind.” Basically, your entire being is meant to worship and glorify God, but I have been slacking.
Because of the pride rooted in my heart, I wasn’t able to love those around me the way God intended me to. I was easily annoyed or irritated, but when I surrendered my will and let go of this desire for perfection, I was able to notice the small changes in my hearts towards others. It is small at first, but now I am starting to see the world in LOVE.
Second, I am able to see myself more of the way God sees and loves me. Loving yourself is just as important. BUT we need to love God first before we can love others and ourselves or even love at all.
“Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only son into the world, so that we may live through humility. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his son to be the propitiation for our sins.” 1 John 4:8-10
Read that again and again for yourself because it hit me. It REALLY hit me. God IS LOVE. I am able to see others and myself in LOVE.
I know that I have a lot to learn and grow in, but I have this hope. I have this hope and trust that God will supply. He will encourage me to seek Him. I will come to him every day, every hour, every second to remind myself what I surrendered. And when I forget what I said yes to, God will remind me and say yes for me.
It will not be easy, but that is why it is a journey.
So THANK YOU for reading this until the very end. Pat yourself on the back and follow along.
It’s been a week here, and so much has changed. Imagine what a YEAR can do.
LOVE YALL!
Julia 🙂
