Writing this is incredibly hard. I have wanted to write about this topic for a long time now, but it took a lot of courage for me to even begin putting the words together. It is suffocating, kind of like someone is watching your every move and judging you for what you say. You trap yourself in your own made up world of limits and restriction—HOW DO I BREAK FREE?
I cry out in anger unto a God who feels absent. With clenched fists and a heavy heart, I fight back tears that run down my cheeks. “Don’t cry. It is a sign of weakness,” the lies keep telling me as I lay awake for nights in a row wondering when the storm will pass. The storm that lasted didn’t seem to be clearing up… what is someone to do?
Well I searched high and low.
I looked into empty parties. I looked into the arms of a guy for a love I knew I would never get. I looked to my peers to receive their acceptance. I looked to broken and empty promises that got me nowhere.
I was running in circles only to find myself dying in the process.
I was so anxious that the tiniest things seemed like the world was ending. I prayed to God, but I was praying selfishly to simply be God and not for Him. I thought my problems were bigger than God himself. I hated who I was, and God cried. He shed tears; he was angry and heartbroken. God made me, but I told him I hated myself.
The Father, the Creator of all things, looked down upon me with a broken heart and arms held wide open. He took me into his arms held me like an infant as I cried into his shoulder; he rocked me back and forth until I fell asleep each night and he woke me in the morning. He held my hand during the day because I was too scared to let go. I never wanted to leave His side, and lucky for me, I never had to.
God met me where I was at, and He still does.
***
I get asked the same question a lot: “what happened to you?”
My answer: “It’s simple, Jesus.”
Yeah that’s it. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus happened to me.
Over my time in college, I have grown so close to him. He has become my warm embrace , my go to, my dwelling place. I run to Him whenever I can, and I find myself slowly becoming the person he wants me to be.
My road ahead is not easy; it will be filled with many bumps and cracks I will have to face when the time comes, but now I will have Jesus by my side. There is no more empty bottles or broken love affairs, there is only Jesus and my time spent with him. I have lost friends and said my farewells to past faces. I have been beaten and mocked. I have loved wholeheartedly and not loved in return; however, I have persevered and remained resilient.
“You know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:3-4
As I continue to prepare for the World Race over the next few months, I will be ready. I will be ready to leave the comfort of my life here in the States to travel to the world’s farthest corners to share the good news of God and his kingdom. I will be ready to sacrifice myself for the betterment of God’s kingdom. I am here, and I am ready. God, use me.
“Here I am Lord, send me.” Isaiah 6:8
