I remember walking out of the trauma room to get an ET tube for intubation, and right as I walked back in, I watched as the doctor covered the patient’s body with a sheet and called time of death.
I remember watching a kid receive CPR for over an hour while the parents watched. Hoping and praying there would be a heartbeat. There never was.
I remember getting to work and immediately starting my shift. I didn’t even have time to get settled in. The first 3 patients I saw, I stood back and watched as the doctor said to them they now have cancer.
I remember seeing all of these things. I will never forget those moments, no matter how many similar ones I come across in the future. They are etched into my brain. They have become a part of me and I have accepted that.
Month 7 of my race, I had the privilege of living in the famous city of Kathmandu, Nepal! It was incredible. Some of the best tattoo artists in the world have shops in Thamel, Kathmandu. I was never one who had the desire to have something permanently drawn onto my body. But, here I am, month 7 of my race, sitting in a tattoo parlor with my teammate Mantha, getting an anatomical heart drawn on my arm. (and no, it was not a mid-race crisis)
So, I’m here to tell you why I got this permanently tattooed on me.
There is no one specific reason why I got it. But I can tell you all of the things I think about when I look at it.
I think about the first time I fell in love with medicine. I was a little girl, maybe 5 or 6. I was obsessed with watching “Emergency Vet” on Discovery Channel. I thought everything about it was just so COOL. I was amazed, in complete awe.. little did I know, the Lord was going to switch my goal from “Vet” to “M.D” my freshman year of college.
I think about all the times I spent pretending to perform surgery on stuffed animals as a kid. I loved it so much.
I think about the feeling I got when I met doctors in real life. It literally felt like I was meeting a super hero. I looked up to every single one of them.
I think about how I have the power to make my dreams a reality.
I think about all the times I have failed an exam, or even a class, but I continue to get back up and try again. You will never see me give up on this dream.
I think about the feeling I got while walking through the hospital hallways at 3AM. It felt like home.
I think about all the hearts that stopped beating right in front of me, and the ones that were never brought back to life.
You see.. I was there for all of that. I may have been standing in the corner, trying to get out of the way, waiting for the doctor to need me. But, I was still there.
I was there when he asked you if you want to continue CPR on your wife.
I was there, standing in the corner, when she called time of death on a patient that was way too young to die.
I was there, standing beside him, when he tried so hard to hold himself together, not allowing him to feel the emotions of what happened.
I was also there when he allowed himself to feel it all.
I was there, sitting in my chair right beside his, when he looked at your head CT, revealing a mass that needed to be operated on.
I was there when he spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how he was going to tell you.
I was there when she gave you the heartbreaking news that you miscarried.
I was there standing at the foot of the bed when she had to make the decision to “call it”.. she did everything she could.
I was there when he called the ICU to check on the patient he admitted the night before. I watched his face as he heard someone say over the phone, “she didn’t make it”.
I was there for it all, and even though it emotionally wrecked me, I still never wanted to pursue anything else. It actually made me want to pursue medicine even more.
When I look at my tattoo, I think about how patients aren’t just names on a chart, they are human beings and they deserve to be grieved over.
I think about the pain of loss. The shock and emptiness I felt each time I witnessed death.
I think about the fact that I want to be a doctor who cares for every single patient she ever sees. I don’t care if I’ve been working for 30 years, that patient I couldn’t save deserves a moment of silence.
I think about how incredible it is to have something in your life worth being sad about..
I think about all the villages I want to one day go back to visit, bringing free healthcare to people who need it most.
I think about all the hearts I want to one day bring back to life and the ones I want – and will do anything – to keep beating.
I also think about how our God is the Great Physician who can make any heart beat again.
He puts the breath in your lungs. He created the heart in your chest that pumps blood and oxygen and nutrients throughout your entire body.
I think about how scientifically complex it all is, but how simple God makes it.
The heart carries so many stories, and I think about something different each time.
It’s beautiful and complex and also so very simple, just as our Father created it to be.
This little heart means a lot to me. The meaning behind it is endless and I know, as I chase my dream, more meaning will become stitched into it. The stories it will tell..
