This month has been a month of unmasking the very ugly parts of me. The parts created as a defense against vulnerability. The masks put on over my weaknesses and insecurities. But Jesus has stirred these things up in me, and I’m letting him shed his light on the dark places of my soul. The places I kept from him and everyone.
So I made a blog post about it. A few days ago. And I purposefully didn’t post it because I was amped and I didn’t know if I was really ready for it. Now I would rather do anything than post it.
But I wrote it then, and now I am posting it without editing it because if I had my way with it half of it would be gone or reworded in such a way that wouldn’t seem so cringeworthy.
So here she is. The most uncomfortable blog post you may ever read.
—-
Some of you may feel very uneasy about this whole thing. “He’s really dragging himself through the mud, isn’t he?” That is not the point. The point of this post is to bring things into the light that have been in the dark way too long; to expose the poser inside for what he is and to begin walking in the light as a Son of God. And anyway, if, at the end of this, I come out with a little dirt on my face, well, more’s the better.
To begin, I would sum up my false self as subtly and excessively prideful and self-centered as a defense mechanism against personal shame and disappointment. That’s probably the most uncomfortable thing to write, and probably not easy to read. Here are some characteristics of my false self:
Sidebar: I am thankful for my guy Christian who helped me recognize the difference between pridefulness v. being proud of what the Lord has done in me. So when I say pride in this post, I am talking about pride that I am drawing my identity from outside of Christ.
– Proud of his self-awareness
– Proud that he is sociable
– Proud that his tastes in music/movies/books are so varied (Anime, Lord of the Rings, Enya, whatever). This is actually one of the saddest because I do really like those things, but the moment I discovered people thought it was cool and interesting, well, it lost some of its goodness.
– Manipulates others into seeing him how he wants to be seen.
– Irritated and distant with others who see through his facade.
– Emotionally distant if you get too close.
– Overly affectionate if he feels you drifting away
– Nothing bothers him.
– Except the things that ought to bother him
– Loves indie music
– Loves Hemingway
– Thinks he knows how and what a Christian should be, and everyone else who isn’t that is dull and misses the point of Christianity (as if he knows the point of it at all)
– Proud that he can be pretty decent at just about everything he finds an interest in
– Proud that he had the guts to even write a blog-post like this
– Proud that he can get along well with women (my inner world is screaming at me for writing this one. I don’t even have evidence that this is true or exceptional enough to merit writing about it. It could very well be some delusion)
– Proud that he has established himself quite well in his World Race circle of friends so he can post without fear of rejection because otherwise you wouldn’t even see this post.
The reality behind the mask:
– Over self awareness brought about by fear of rejection. “If I can call out the things in myself before anyone else then I can protect myself.”
– Really loves a variety of different entertainment, but, as I said before, the moment I found out it made me somewhat interesting I found my identity in it
– Is irritated by quite a lot of things that I never let reach the surface
– Indie music is okay. I’m actually more excited when I find indie music I like, not because I’ve found new music, but because I can now say with confidence, “yes. I like this.”
– Thinks Hemingway is okay
– I think other Christians should be like me so that I know I’m not wrong
– Terrified because I can be decent at just about anything but have yet to find something that I am passionate enough about to devote myself to it
– The only reason I had the guts to post this in the first place is because I’m reading Surprised by Joy right now by C.S. Lewis within which he really lets himself bleed so I figured it would be okay for me to do it.
– I make it a point for the women of any group to like me so I can establish myself in some sort of social hierarchy I have made up for myself.
– I’m taking a very whimsical approach to this whole ordeal because I actually feel like I’m committing social suicide
——
On the other side there is freedom. No more compulsive self-awareness. No more hiding. It’s odd how freeing giving up control is. I don’t have to make my own identity anymore. I can rest in my identity in him.
And that is the next adventure. I have thrown away the masks, and now I get to rediscover who he made me to be. As a Son.
“So God created human beings in his own image.
In the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27
