It is common for us humans to be fond of our own independence, to even take pride in it. For the majority of my life I found pride in being a certain type of person who could get on in life by himself. I think that’s where most of us have found ourselves at some point, only to realize it is aroad leading tonowhere but confusion and heartbreak. It takes some of us longer than others, but I think we all get there at some point.
I arrived at that desperate point 10 months ago when, after graduating college, I found myself with no real job, no real plans, and no real dreams. What I did have, though, were friends and family who were Christians, and they seemed to have some idea of what they were doing and what was going on. My parents are faithful and committed Christians, and they had a house and jobs and a happy marriage, and so, in my ignorance, I thought, “If I could just tap into whatever they’ve got, things will go smoothly for me, too.” It is this misguided thought that got me to try and be a good Christian, but it wasn’t what kept me there.
In my last blog I talked about the importance of seeking God’s presence and his heart for us versus seeking what he can do for us. As I said before, this idea of relative prosperity is what turned my attention to God, and I think he was okay with that; however, he did not mean for me to stay there.
Instead, he had to bring me to a point where I came to realize what had once worked to turn my eyes towards him would no longer work in seeking a relationship with him. I had to come to a point of desperation where he felt out of reach and impossible to figure out. So I had to change the goal of my pursuit altogether. Less of me, more of him.
That is the season I’ve been in for the last several months: one of enjoying union with him and abiding in his presence. I’ve learned what it means to allow myself to be loved by him and how to worship him from the deepest places of my heart.
Still, I have come to an unsurprising yet nonetheless disappointing discovery about my own nature, and that is the limitations of that very nature. My natural self (my desires, my personality, my flesh) is very broken. It is fallen, and it took being around the wholeness of God to realize this about myself. Immediately I was met with disappointment at the reality of my brokenness.
There is an option available to all of us, though.
Crossroads
The first step of the Christian journey, laying down my arms along with my sense of complete independence, is a necessity. The next step, falling in love with God alone, is a necessity. So many times this is where people stop in their journey with God because they think this is all there is. Even still, there is more he wants to offer us. He wants to completely transform us.
Now I know it’s easy, upon hearing the word “transformation,” to think it means “becoming a better person,” and that’s where I’ve found myself many times. When I think of becoming a better person as God’s gift to me I try to receive that. What I end up with, though, is becoming discouraged at my own inevitable failure and a head full of questions about the goodness of God.
What I mean by transformation is becoming a completely new kind of person.
I called this step in the journey a “crossroads” because you are presented with a choice that is going to cost you your life. The little life that you and I have created for ourselves. All the bad as well as the good (or what we call those innocent/good pleasures of ours). And what for? Why should I give up all my innocent entertainment? I recognize that I am a sinner, but I love God for saving me, and I try my hardest every day. What more could there be?
Ephesians chapter 5 verses 25-27 say this:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to presente her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”
Now we can talk forever about what it means for wives to submit to husbands, but that’s not what I want to talk about.
Watchman Nee, author of “The Normal Christian Life,” says this about Ephesians 5:
“We have been taught to think of ourselves as sinners needing redemption. For generations that has been instilled into us, and we praise the Lord for that as our beginning; but it is not what God has in view as his end…All too often we have the thought of the Church as being merely so many ‘saved sinners.’ It is that; but we have made the terms almost equal to one another, as though it were only that, which is not the case…The ‘eternal purpose’ is something in the mind of God from eternity concerning his Son…Viewed from that standpoint – from the standpoint of the heart of God – the Church is something which is beyond sin and has never been touched by sin.”
There is more for us; there always was. We just couldn’t do it in our broken circumstances so the death of Christ did it for us. It brought us back into right standing with God, and it made available to us the life God always intended for us.
So how do I get this new life? Fortunately for all of us, it’s already been given to us by the death and resurrection of Jesus. Our only obligation is to learn how to receive that life and walk by the Spirit.
Paul says in Romans 8, “But if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs – heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”
As Nee says, “It is not a case of trying but of trusting; not of struggling but of resting in him.” Resting. It is a restful and spontaneous life, but we have to learn to give up all that we think we have a right to and be willing to not get it back. God will give us the desires of our heart when we have offered them to him with the willingness to still trust in him. Even if that means not getting what we thought we wanted because we trust that he is better.
This is where I am now. Stuck between learning to walk in this new life and my pride that says I ought to have rights to do as I please so long as I am obeying God’s law. It’s the choice we are all faced with: the choice to become the New Men and Women of God.
“Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.” – C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
“He didn’t come to make bad people good, but dead people live.” – C.S. Lewis
“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” – Galatians 2:20
