A few nights ago I had a dream I was in my old dorm room at the University of North Alabama, and I was in the middle of packing all of my things to get ready to move. In the dream I really didn’t know where I was going, but I knew I was going somewhere. As I brought all of my belongings down the steps I was met by a crowd of people who were all sitting against the wall and talking, surrounded by all of their things. I remember that I was excited (though I don’t know about what), and so I walked in and joined them. Then the dream ended.
I was struck by how prophetic this simple dream was for me, especially as we all begin a new year and step into new seasons of our lives. As I came to find out, this dream would be a lot more prophetic than I initially realized. The very next day my roommates and I discovered we would have to move out of our apartment immediately, due to flooding and repairs in our old apartment. However, this dream did more than merely foreshadow an experience; it showed me the season of waiting and preparation to come.
Process and Surrender
The beginning of a new year always offers a time for reflection on the previous year and a look at how far we’ve come in 365 days. At our traditional New Years Day dinner, my mother asked the family to sharesomething we were thankful for within the last year. When I reflect back on 2017 I am incredibly thankful for just how patient the Father was with me. He put up with so much of my selfishness and ignorance just to reveal who He is to me.
The past year was filled with opportunities for learning about myself and the issues of my heart. I dealt with a lot of wounds; some I didn’t know I had, and some I knew I had but didn’t want to admit. I began seeking healing from those wounds, but this very act of seeking also called me to be extremely vulnerable with Him and with others, something that doesn’t come naturally to me. It was difficult and uncomfortable, and I began to get impatient with myself.
Thankfully, God threw a word at me in August. Process. This was arevolutionary concept for me, and luckily God just hurled it at me and it stuck through no effort of my own. I was beginning a new chapter of my life, and I was going to be doing things I have never done. So of course I would have to learn to be patient with myself and enjoy the process. If God was patient with me I would also have to learn to be patient with myself. And at times I was just not patient with myself, and then I’d get impatient about not being able to be patient with myself.
These unsuccessful attempts in my own strengthat patience yielded another revelation: Surrender. It was clear to me very early on that through no effort of my own would I be able to walk in the Father’s story. At first glance, surrender sounds easy. “So I just lay everything down and stop being stressed out about stuff because You’re is going to take care of it? Sure.”
What I quickly learned, however, is that when you say surrender everything, it means everything. It’s easy to lay down things you don’t want to do, but it’s not easy laying down our own will, and I still struggle with that daily. Yet, I am so thankful for a Father that knows my nature and is patient and loving despite that fact.
Waiting
The World Race was an extreme leap of faith, maybe the first for me. It was something I had always wanted to do, but before I became a real disciple it seemed an impossibility that would remain a dream. Instead, God showed me he was the one that created the desires of my heart, and he was determined to let me pursue those desires with him.
After being accepted into the World Race I entered a period of waiting, and it’s a period I am still in. I have a lot to do during this season: fundraising, physical and spiritual preparation, etc. However, this period of preparation brings with it a lot of waiting. Waiting to meet my team, waiting for training camp in June, and waiting to leave in August.
For a few weeks towards the end of 2017, I began to experience boredom, anxiety, and confusion. I found myself checking out a lot mentally, which furthered the boredom, anxiety, and confusion. I began to think, “If I’m waiting I guess I’ll just coast and ride it out.” And that hurt a lot when I started to become less engaged with the Spirit and more focused on myself.
Outpouring
But when the New Year came, and I began to reflect on the previous year, I recognized how far I had come and how much I had learned about myself. Encouraged, I just asked the Father for a word entering this new season. After mulling it over for the entire trip from Nashville to Hazel Green, I received one: Outpour.
It’s time to shift the focus from within to the world around me. Last year was an intensive course on myself, and while I still have things in my own heart to take care of, the Father was telling me it’s time to use those things he taught me.
I’m leaving in 8 months to spread the love of the Father to a broken world, and it’s going to be hard. In 8 months I will be leaving my home for a year to go places I’ve never been and meet people I’ve never seen. In the meantime, I must use these 8 months as preparation to become more proficient with the gifts God has given me. The words, “Break my heart with what breaks yours,” have been on my mind lately, and they bring so much truth and conviction with them.
Ultimately, the journey ahead will have plenty of process, waiting, and opportunities for outpouring, and it’s imperative that I remember each of those lessons. During my time of anxiety and confusion I read a quote from Tolkien’s Fellowship of the Rings. The Hobbits have just seen Elves for the first time. Frodo asks Sam, now that he’s seen the Elves, does he still want to leave home. Sam replies:
“Yes sir. I don’t know how to say it, but after last night I feel different. I seem to see ahead, in a kind of way. I know we are going to take a very long road, into darkness; but I know I can’t turn back. It isn’t to see Elves now, nor dragons, nor mountains, that I want – I don’t rightly know what I want: but I have something to do before the end, and it lies ahead, not in the Shire. I must see it through, sir, if you understand me.”
Like Sam, I can see what is ahead of me, and I know I can’t turn back from God’s will if I want to live to impact his Kingdom.
