We were praying in a big group before we went out on the streets of Chiang Mai to do a prayer walk. I prayer for God to do something big, have an awesome encounter and maybe even a salvation. I prayer for something specific from God, and He gave me something, Adidas Ultra Boost shoes! Those are not very common In Chiang Mai, but I was excited and ready to hit the streets. We went out in small groups of about six and prayed as we passed shops and people. We had the opportunity to buy some food for a man in need and pray for him, which was really cool. We continued walking and I thought about telling my group that I was looking for Ultra Boosts, but I decided not to. Right as I was thinking I should tell my group, two big white guys walked right by us, one wearing black Adidas Ultra Boosts! They kept walking and we kept walking. I didn’t say stop, didn’t get their attention, didn’t do or say anything. I just kept walking. It all happened that fast. God presented me with an amazing opportunity, and I completely passed it up. I let them walk in the opposite direction of us until they were out of our sight. Why in the world did I do that?
I was really bummed with myself, I beat myself up a little bit at first, I felt like I failed. I thought about Acts 8 when Philip runs after the Ethiopian eunuch in his chariot to share the gospel with him, and I didn’t even stop and talk to this guy. Was it fear? Did I feel like I was inadequate? Was I apathetic? Maybe a little bit of all those things. I know if God wants that guys heart He’s going to get it, God just wanted to use me as a tool and I missed out, I robbed myself of being a part of it. I don’t ever want to do that again.
The next day God put the verses John 15:4-5 on my heart, “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him bears much fruit, but apart from me you can do nothing.”
Apart from God you can do nothing. Nothing meaning not a single thing of eternal value. Abide meaning a daily personal relationship with Jesus characterized by trust, prayer, obedience, and joy (thank my study bible for that). That’s what I want in my life. I fail probably everyday, but where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more. God is so good no matter how much I’m struggling or failing, God always has been and always will be good. Maybe I missed the opportunity with that guy wearing the Ultra Boosts because I have not been abiding in God well lately, and when I’m not abiding in God I can’t do much for his kingdom. You might be thinking, “How is he still struggling? It’s been like a month since his blog where he told us he was struggling.” Honestly, I’m kind of thinking the same thing. But I am so done with it. I learning from these things, and I’m declaring victory in my life.
I had a night in the village where Cy encouraged me a ton and prayed for me and I just got to get alone before God and be real with Him. I cried a lot, prayed a lot, and God broke me. God has to break things in order to rebuild them the way He wants them. Whenever there’s a breaking there’s a blessing. And that’s what happened to me. I’m ready to finish this race strong and continue seizing everyday and embracing the adventure. At our mini debrief, Hallie, a girl on our squad, talked about staying present and brought up the verse Ecclesiastes 7:8, “Better is the end of a thing than its beginning.”
I’m so excited for what God has in store the rest of this race, because I know it’s going to be good.
Still and always will be
I’ve been broken,
I’ve been hurting,
I’ve felt dead inside,
But you are good.
I’ve been lazy,
I’ve been passive,
I’ve been apathetic,
But you are so good!
I’ve felt far from you, but how could I?
I am literally your child!
You have adopted me into your family:)
You are always so good!!
There’s nothing I can do to get to you,
I was DEAD.
Your grace is amazing, it’s the most amazing grace.
You are always so incredibly good!
Put to death my flesh,
Whatever it takes God, whatever it takes.
I’m so excited for my life with you.
You are good.
so, so
good
