Our next stop was Siem Reap, Cambodia. We had a leadership development weekend at the Overflow Guesthouse, an AIM base located just outside the city. After LDW, our team stayed for about a week and a half longer in Siem Reap. Our ministry was relational for our time there. We stayed at an airbnb and we got to know the owner Mr. Lim and his family very well. I enjoyed our daily interactions and toward the end of the time we had a delicious Cambodian barbecue with him and his family. The Lord also used the time in Siem Reap to do some work on my heart.
At the end of Thailand, the Lord asked me to surrender some things to Him. Things that were good and that I treasured. It broke me. For the next couple months, crying became a part of my daily life. I’d say it was my all time low. God had me enter a season of brokenness, where He broke me down and it wasn’t and still isn’t fun, but He walked through it with me and I have learned a lot from the experience.
During this time of brokenness the Lord showed me the importance and need of expressing emotions and love. I used to pride myself on my ability to go through life without being super emotional. I used to think being emotional was a sign of weakness and that I should avoid it all costs. I would make sure people didn’t see me when I was sad, in tears or really anything that wasn’t normal Jesse.
For the majority of the race some of my teammates jokingly referred to my emotional demeanor as a concrete wall. It would sometimes frustrate them, when I would just say everything is good or fine and not really give them any details or let them into anything. Previously, I would sometimes find myself frustrated with the emotions of others who weren’t concrete walls like myself and have apathy toward their situations. I’d think, really? This is what’s getting you down? Sometimes my heart wasn’t compassionate, tender or understanding. That needed to change and the Lord made that happen in this time period.
I believe there is a balance of expressing emotions. At my last job in the construction industry, the joke was to check your emotions at the door. There is definitely a time a place for emotions and 1717 Arch Street wasn’t the place. However my issue was I didn’t really have a time or place that I would allow myself to express any emotions to anyone. I didn’t think it was necessary, I thought as a man I always had to have my guard up and no one could see my struggles or emotions. When the topics of tenderness, intimacy and emotional vulnerability would come up, I’d be like heck no or check out. I didn’t think those were for me or that I needed them. I took pride in my self sufficiency and independence, but I did not realize that this attitude was completely contrary to the nature that God wanted me to have. God changed that perspective for me.
Before the race, I asked God to show me this year what being a spiritual leader in a household looked like. As the months passed, He showed me things like being strong, strong in conviction, strong to lead, to stand, to suffer. Also being willing to go low and stay low because love will cost you everything. He also showed me the importance of my personal relationship with Him and how I am accountable before Him for the position of influence I have in the lives of those in my family. To step up and do whatever it takes to be involved in the lives of my children. To walk with them through their young lives and be a visual representation of the character of God their Father in heaven. To teach them about God and model how to walk in integrity and treat others with respect. He’s got a lot more to show me and I have a lot to learn, but one of the missing pieces of the puzzle He showed me was the emotional side to leading a family.
I learned I was responsible to embrace intimacy, tenderness and emotional vulnerability. I’m responsible for being vulnerable with my wife so that our relationship can continue to grow. God showed me that He has called the man to protect his wife, to shield her and to love her as Jesus loves the church. Jesus sacrificed His very life for His Bride. Jack Frost presents the challenge of how many of us men are willing to sacrifice our self-love to meet the emotional needs of our wives? Its quite the challenge and I believe it also extends to the emotional needs of the children. A father plays a huge role in a child’s upbringing and should be just as emotionally invested in his family as he is in the area of providing for their physical needs.
I also used to pride myself on my ability to portray that I had everything together. Before the race, I hardly would share anything deep or any struggles with anybody. I would put on the mask of having it together all the time for those around me and also God. I was real good at keeping people at a distance. If the conversation looked like it would to turn into a deeper conversation, I would get out of it. I set up boundaries and walls to keep people out. I thought setting up these walls would protect me from pain and rejection. However, I learned that these walls and boundaries hindered me from having intimate fellowship with God and healthy relationships with others.
Because I used to view God as a condemning judge; I used to think when I talked with Him I always had to have it together. However, He knew I didn’t have it all together and so did I. I was never really vulnerable or transparent with Him. I felt like I always had to please Him to stay in His good graces. As the race progressed, He began to change my view of Him from condemning judge to a loving Father who desired a relationship with me more than anything. God and Adam walked side by side in the garden of Eden. He desired fellowship and intimacy with His creations. In Thailand, we had dinner with a couple who had recently moved from Cambodia. Scott, the husband told us about a time he was at the end of ropes with where the Lord had him. He recalled an evening when he was so fed up with all that was going on and he let God have it. He told us he didn’t hold anything back. He challenged us with being real and authentic with God. God already knows how we feel and He can take it and He’d rather have us tell it how it is rather than tip toe around how we’re actually feeling.
In the following months I cried with God, yelled at Him, was angry with Him, didn’t talk to Him, shared what I was feeling with Him, worshipped and thanked Him. I felt safe and secure going to Him with how I was feeling and invited Him into where I was at. With this new perspective He continued to break down my religious thinking and continued to show me relationship with Him. Being real, honest and authentic with God and those in your core community around you allows for intimacy and growth and I now believe thats way He designed it all along.
My team saw me at my all time low and I was humbled by how they responded with love and grace. It would have been hard for me to hide what I was going through and my emotions so I decided to invite them into what I was walking through. God didn’t want us to walk through life by ourselves. He gives us people we can trust and to do life with us. Its our choice whether to invite them in or not. It was an uncomfortable thing letting my guard down but the fruit of it was incredible and worth it. My teammates shared their experiences, encouraged me and prayed for me during this time and I appreciate them so much. I learned we can’t help each other and build honest and heartfelt relationships with each other if we can’t be honest with each other. I learned the importance of honesty and transparency in community and how important it will be with my spouse and family one day.
I’ve plagiarized too many of Bob Goff’s books in my blogs that He’ll probably sue me, but theres a chapter in Love Does called The Puppeteer that spoke to me in this season. The short summary is Bob saw an expensive art painting called The Puppeteer that he really liked. He saved up some money and bought it. When he went to pick it up, he was given two copies, the priceless piece and a fake one The salesman told him put the fake one up and lock up the priceless one for security. Bob didn’t hang the fake one up, he hung up the priceless master piece. One morning he noticed a mark on the Puppeteer’s forehead from the Goff family rubber band wars. When he looks at the painting, he doesn’t see the damage, he’s not mad or disappointed at all. The reason is simple. The rubber band mark reminds him of his kids and how much he loves them. He actually likes the painting more with the rubber band mark.
Bob then goes to say how God wants us to hang the real version of ourselves out for the world to see, not the fake one. He sent His son to die for us. The real us, the original master piece. We are new creations when we come to Jesus. He wants us to hang the original version of us for everyone to see. Despite our beauty and what He thinks of us, we still sometimes tend to hide the original so we wont get damaged. The fake version we sometimes put out isn’t worthless, its just worth less because its only a copy of the real us. God invites us to be new creations, original art to live a life of engagement. He says leave the fake version in a closet. Hanging the real version us out there for the world to see is risky. He doesn’t say when the priceless one is hung out there that things will go great, but He does say He will love us rubber band marks and all.
Reading this chapter reinforced what the Lord was showing me of being the real Jesse Martinez, emotions and all.
During this time, I spent some time in the Samuels reading the story of King David. I also took time to reread a book I had been carrying around for quite some time called A Tale of Three Kings. This is another book that I would highly recommend. The first time when I read it in Croatia, I didn’t get much from it. But reading it in a different season, with a different lens, it blew me away. The gist of the book is the story of David and his journey through brokenness.
Chapter 17 and Chapter 23 were two chapters that really stood out to me.
I’ll leave you with some quotes from both the chapters…
Chapter 17
The context of these quotes is a young man in Israel’s army heard tales of David’s mighty men of valor and goes to find one to question him about King David.
“The old man’s eyes filled with tears as he first thought of David and then of the foolish new king only recently crowned. “I will tell you of my king and his greatness: My king never threatened me as yours does. Your king has begun his reign with laws, rules, regulations and fear. The clearest memory I have of my king, when we lived in the caves, is that his life was a life of submission. Yes, David showed me submission, not authority. He taught me not the quick cure of rules and laws, but the art of patience. Thats what changed my life. Legalism is nothing but a leader’s way of avoiding suffering. Rules were invented by elders so they could get to bed early! Men who speak endlessly on authority only prove they have none. And kings who make speeches about submission only betray twin fears in their hearts: They are not certain they are really true leaders, sent by God. They live in a mortal fear of a rebellion. My king spoke not of submitting to him. He feared no rebellion… because He did not mind if He was dethroned! David taught me losing, not winning. Giving, not taking. He showed me that the leader, not the follower was inconvenienced. David shielded us from suffering: he did not mete it out.”
“Authority from God is not afraid of challengers, makes no defense, and cares not one whit if it must be dethroned. That was the greatness of the great… of the true king. The old man began to walk away. Both anger and regal patience were evident in his bearing as he turned. Then he faced the youth once more, thundering one last salvo: as far as David having authority: Men who don’t have it talk about it all the time. Submit, submit! Thats all you hear. David had authority, but I don’t think it ever occurred to him. We were six hundred no goods with a leader who cried a lot. Thats all we were.”
Chapter 23
The context of these quotes is a conversation is on the palace terrace between David and Abishai about the looming threat of Absalom’s rebellion and what David intends to do about it.
“I never challenged Saul; I never attempted to divide the kingdom during his reign. Is that what you’re saying? More, replied Abishai strongly. “Saul was evil toward you and made your life torture. You responded only with respect and private agony. The bad things that happened in those days came only from one side. All fell on you. Yet you could have divided the kingdom and probably could have overthrown Saul. But rather than do that, you left the kingdom. You fled rather than cause division. You risked your life for unity and sealed your lips and eyes to all his injustices. You had more cause to rebel than any man in the history of this – or of any kingdom that has ever been.
Dear King, Saul was a bad king. Absalom is, in some ways a youthful incarnation of Saul. You alone are constant. You are forever the brokenhearted shepherd boy. Tell me truthfully what do you plan? Until now, I have not been sure. But of this I am certain. In my youth I was no Absalom and in my old age I shall not be a Saul. In my youth, by your own words, I was David. in my old age I intend to be David still. Even if it costs me a throne, a kingdom, and perhaps my head.
Shall I defend my little realm in the name of God? Shall I throw spears, and plot and divide… and kill men’s spirits if not their bodies… to protect my empire? I did not lift a finger to be made king. Nor shall I do so to preserve a kingdom, Even the kingdom of God. God put me here. Its not my responsibility to take or keep authority. Do you realize, it may be his will for these things to take place? If He chooses, God can protect and keep the kingdom even now. After all, it is his kingdom.
I did not fight to be king, and I will not fight to remain king. May God come tonight and take the throne, the kingship… David’s voice faltered. “And his anointing from me. I seek his will, not his power.
Abishai called out once more, softly this time. Admiration flashed across his face. “Good King, thank you.” “For what?” the puzzled king asked as he turned back in the door way. Not for what you have done, but for what you have not done. Thank you for not throwing spears, rebelling against kings, for not exposing a man in authority when he was so very vulnerable, for not dividing a kingdom. He paused. “And thank you for suffering, for being willing to lose everything. Thank you for giving God a free hand to end, and destroy your kingdom – if it pleases Him. Thank you for being an example to us all.”
I’m amazed by David’s willingness to be a broken vessel, to submit to authority good or bad and not being afraid of losing it all if its God’s will.
For those who know me, Jesse talking about emotions is evidence of Jesus.
“I used to be afraid that if I was authentic I might take a hit, but now I know that being real means I will take a hit.” – Bob Goff
Border crossing with our friend Sok…
Best host in Cambodia… Mr. Lim and the fam…
View from Overflow Guesthouse…
