What am I going home to? Who is going to understand me? Or ask me to check in? Or truly know how to love me well? Whose going to push me outside of my comfort zone to do things I normally wouldn’t do? Whose going to ask for my ESP?! How can I be this person I feel in love with this last year back in the states?! What am I going to do now that i don’t live IN ministry everyday?!
Well these questions overwhelmed me… so I ignored them all together. This blog is going to be a scrambling of all emotions from being home so bare with me!! I got home and was so excited to see my family and friends that I quickly lost my routine and discipline. Now the last month of the race we were reminded over and over again not to do just that. We learned ways to avoid it and stay plugged into the word and remember my goals. But my bed was comfy, so I slept in. My Netflix account was still running, so I’d tell myself just one more show…. 3 seasons later….My family is lounging in the living room, I’ll just spend a little more time doing the same. I need to get back into my church group, so why not dive all in and do it ALL!
I kept myself busy, and distracted that I didnt have time to even really think of processing anything, I liked my independence and introvert time! I thought I was transitioning wonderfully! I wasn’t upset, or depressed, overwhelmed or anxious I was on a high! Everyone was so happy to see me, I was constantly telling stories and people could see the change in me! It was incredible. I worked really hard to pick up where I left off with the praise team and truly think it helped me feel at home back at church. I was so nervous coming back, scared of feeling forgotten or replaced. But they truly made me feel so loved and appreciated!
Christmas has always been my favorite time of year! This year held so much more meaning for me. I was so much closer to Jesus than I had ever been in the past and couldn’t wait to truly celebrate the meaning of Christmas! But let me tell you.. coming home to America after traveling the world surrounded by strong faith centered people was HARD! Especially coming home to America at Christmas time.. when the biggest concern for our country is what were going to put under the Christmas tree. Everyone celebrates, but the true reasoning for celebrating Christmas is ignored, can’t be discussed in public and really isn’t discussed in homes anymore. It breaks my heart. Not only that that’s how our country is, but thats also how I used to be, and how quickly I started to act when I got home!
I love holidays because I love my family. And my family is big! Were loud, funny and full of energy. This year I struggled to keep up, I couldn’t get it right that day. I was running around for last minute things I had forgotten, like my gift for the yankee swap! I was a mess, I started to get extremely overwhelmed.
It was then that my high came crashing down.
I found myself being snippy and short towards my family for silly reasons. I realized I had to take a step back and breathe. I locked myself in the bathroom and broke down. I didn’t know why I was feeling this way, so it only made it worse. Why am I upset? Why am I being selfish? Why am I making a big deal out of nothing? I felt terrible for the way I was behaving, because that’s not who I wanted to be. I called a friend from church who prayed for me and listened as I wept uncontrollably. I was completely overwhelmed by it all. My family was incredibly supportive, but it was my own self who had no control.
Before coming home, I told myself I wouldn’t fall back into old habits. I didn’t want to be lazy, I didn’t want to go out drinking all the time, I didn’t want to surround myself with temptations of sin or negativity. So I kept myself extremely busy.. I was barely home. I started working right away, I was at the church 3 days a week and when I had down time I filled it with my new boyfrien and finding ministry in our community! I filled my days with distractions.
All great things, But I soon realized that thats not healthy either!!!
I wasn’t giving myself time to figure out who I am back here in the states. I had left for the world race a broken mess. Through out the year I found joy in discovering who I am in Jesus’ eyes and knowing I am enough, chosen, redeemed and a true child of God! I was on fire for the Lord and wanted to bring that spark home. But when I got here, I filled my life with so many distractions that I forgot to figure out how to implement this ‘new me’ into my old life. I didn’t need to distract myself from the people I love and care about by trying to create a new life, I needed to adapt to who I am NOW with the same people who have always been by my side. I spent the year telling everyone about Jesus, but when it came to talking about it at home I began to question myself. I wanted everyone to know what I know, feel how I feel, and love God like I love God, but I didn’t know how to make that happen. I realized I let my failed expectations of how it would be like talking about my trip and faith to others; drive my insecurities right off the road to being uncomfortable and ultimately lead me to an inevitable break down.
I learned this the hard way, when I felt God telling me to be still and that I needed to be in a season of singleness. He had helped me transition home in so many ways. He helped me get back in the word, had me planning community missions and pushed me to really think. Without him i didn’t know what to do. He was so intentional and loved my stories about race, so why would God take that awafrom me?! I struggled hard with that and it was extremely difficult. But one thing I want to stay true to is being obediant when the Lord speaks to me. So, I was back to being just Heather and figuring out what that looked like. Honestly, it was extremely lonely. I had extended amounts of free time now. I’d come home from work, eat dinner, sit and watch TV and go to bed. On weekends I would sit in self pitty that I had no friends. I couldnt depend on a boy friend anymore to make me happy but I didnt know how to be alone. I didn’t know how to be still. And THAT is why he brought me to this season. I need to learn to lean on HIM, not someone else or myself. The last year was Go Go Go, so when I got home I felt so wrong doing nothing, I wanted to do more! I began to miss my 24/7 community with my squad who were with me all year, same experiences, same struggles, lived the same lifestyle and understands how I feel. Feeling like noone understands you is the foundation of loneliness. But my lack of openness to others TRYING to understand helped build those walls up. I needed to shift things in my life.
This is real life. Transitioning back “home” to the states is HARD! One minute your great, the next is an emotional breakdown! Over the last year I’ve had 12 different homes. These homes were filled with 12 different families, life styles, culture, inside jokes, growth, hurts and so many memories. And I felt like that’s all I got to take back with me….the memories… everything else stays. I left home and life moved on while I was away. I come home and life moves on where I’ve been. Finding my place in this enormous world is hard!
And to be completely honest, those memories are hard to talk about! While processing a big blow out I had with my sister about how hard it is transitioning home, I started to really think about why?! The memories aren’t hard to talk about because it makes me sad, but I feel like that’s all I can add to a conversation is some memory from my trip, a memory that probably won’t make sense without a longer story, and inside jokes no one will think is funny. I fear people don’t wanna hear it, so I dont say it. I fear I can’t relate in the same ways anymore. (which I know is a lie, but a lie the enemy is digging in deep!) My last year was full of ministry, travel and a whole lot of Jesus..I never want to make anyone feel like I’m one upping them with a story of the experiences I had… but thats all I have to work with to TRY and find SOMETHING those memories can relate to. Sometimes I just want to hide in a corner and just be unseen. Pull the covers over my head and just cry.
But I won’t let that control me! Did I feel like i failed at transitioning home? Absolutely. Did I fear that I changed so much in just one year that I didn’t know who I was anymore, or where I fit in? you betcha. Was I ashamed I felt as though I failed my family by not being open and more present in their lives? sadly yes. But it opened my eyes.
I recently read the story in Matthew 12: 43-45
It talks about how a demon leaves a person, and then decides, hey I’m just gunna go back to the guy I just left. When he gets there he finds the guy has been swept, clean and empty. When things are empty, they are vulnerable to be filled… with whatever comes. So he goes and gets some friends to help fill that void. He comes back with 7 other spirits more evil than itself. Leaving the person worse than the he was before. Its like when you give something up, like a relationship, alcohol, gossip, smoking or lying.. your now leaving space in your life that you didn’t have before because you used to fill it with that specific thing. If your not filling it with something positive and Godly, the enemy has room to come back, and come back worse than before because your now in a vulnerable state. Your emptiness could be filled with loneliness, pride, ego, doubt, envy, greed, anger, sins, your old ways, and so much more… UNLESS you fill your emptiness with the Lord. It’s a warning from the Lord that if your not filling yourself up with Him what could happen.
This was a wake up call for me that the
Lord isn’t finished yet.
He’s telling me to keep filling myself up with him. If I’m full of Him, there is no room for the enemy. There is no room for loneliness, there is no room for insecurities and doubt. If I continue to Leave Love Wherever I Go (this is the mission statement I gave myself coming home!) I will be able to figure out this whole ministry is life thing! I don’t need to be out traveling the world to make a difference, I need to get out of my own head, step up, fill up and just love on everyone I see. Only then can we truly make a difference. My memories of what home looked like this last year are way more than just memories, they are lessons, adventures, heartbreaks, breakthroughs, milestones, and a staple to my life, growth, family, faith, love and so much more! Everything that I brought back with me are aspects of my life I pray I can implement in my everyday life back here at my stateside home!! I am incredibly blessed with the opportunities I have had and all that lies ahead of me. Showing gratitude in a time of struggle, trusting that God will guide me in how to continue to love others well!! I’m finding ways take those questions that once scared me, and learning to trust in myself and the Lord to walk me through them….With the occasional phone call or text to an old teammate to pick up the missing pieces! Learning to lay it all down at HIS feet is a continuous lesson that I truly enjoy sitting through!
(Guatemala sep 2018)
If your wondering what life looks like after the race, just know it’s a learning process and a messy one at that! I am nannying a beautiful baby boy during the week, still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up! Like I said I’m back at the Rock Church Northshore in Amesbury MA! I spend most of my days there working on music and fellowship! The praise team has been a huge blessing! I’m living back home with my parents and sister and trying to spend as much time as possible loving on them, working on myself and figuring out what’s next! But for this season, I’m learning to enjoy living in the moment and finding adventures in that! This year I have gained so many new brothers and sisters around the world and I am forever thankful, not only for there friendship, but now I also have a whole ton of states, countries and homes to spend my time visiting! 🙂
If you have any questions about the world race, my kingdom journey or just wanna chat let me know! Like I said it’s hard to talk about it, but I also absolutely love to, so please reach out!!
(Nepal June 2018)
Thank you to everyone for being supportive, loving and encouraging. I don’t know how I could hold it all together without all of you… and the Lord of course. Your endless grace is incredible!! Love you all so much, thank you for joining me on my journey I hope you have all learned something through my trails, grown in some way closer to the Lord through my triumphs and gained wisdom about how great our God is through my stories!!
I want to leave you with one question… How can you make God smile today?!
