In Thailand I was having a hard time. I was in a “funk” shutting people out, being quiet and reserved and I couldn’t figure out why. I knew I had made many positive changes, grew so much and learning an abundance of new knowledge. I was learning to embrace the fact that I AM chosen, loved and equipped by God.
It took a couple weeks and alot of verbal processing to come to the realization that my struggle was a result of me trying to find my identity. My new identity. I am in a fight to let go of the old me, and wanting to change how I live my life. And honestly I have no idea what that looks like. I have said it before in my blogs, how I was only sticking my big toe in, afraid to dive in. I called myself a Christian, did all the things, but honestly didn’t change how I was choosing to live my life. I was drinking too much; resulting in poor descions, I was focusing my attention on the guys in my life, gettijf nyself into abusive relationships, or just relationships that didnt help me grow, not prioritizing the church, my community or most importantly my family. I was choosing to accept things the way they were, believing that was all I deserved. But just after 3 short months, my world was beautifully wrecked and I knew I needed more. I knew I deserved more and I was ready to dive in.
I had accepted that the old Heather is dead and I am a new creation. Theres no going back this time… but what the heck does that look like?!
Do you understand my dilemma?
What does the new Heather look like?
Where do I start to build this new identity?
…well obviously with Jesus, but then what?
I started doubting everything that I had back home, thinking that no one will understand me, I need all new friend’s, new church, new community. But then I realized that no; my life doesn’t have to be completely torn apart. What needs to change is my perspective on life , how I want to live it and my ability to stand firm in that. Yes, surrounding myself with people that have the same beliefs, goals and pursuit/love for the Lord is important and absolutely necessary but that is not what needs to change.
It’s me.
I needed to forgive myself, to know that God forgives me and loves me no matter what. I needed to want to change and know that I am doing it for me and not for anyone else. I was slowly letting go of the old me, the not so great qualities, the shame, the guilt, the labels I had accumulated over the years and unforgivness for my self and people in my life. But in order to completly let go, I felt like I needed to know who I was going to be without those false masks I had been holding on to for so long. Which was honestly causing me to have an identity crisis.
Once I was able to pin point my distress and what was creating it, I was able to bring my team into it with me. I expressed what i was going through and after, there was a huge sense of relief. The knot in my stomach slowly loosened a little…creating peace. My team spoke life, encouragement and love into me, creating a space I am comfortable enough to try and figure it out as I go. Its the times when we can’t breathe that he’s able to breathe into us, creating new life, opportunities and redemption.
So for the last 2 months I have had this song on my heart.. it would repeat in my head over and over again and I didn’t know why. I found myself humming, whistling and listening to it non-stop. One night I decided to watch my church at homes live stream Sunday service on Facebook. And you’ll never believe it, but that same song was one of the first to be sung by the praise team! The song is Mighty Breath of God by Jesus Culture. After they finished, Pastor Paul spoke about the meaning of the breath of God, he mentioned the Hebrew translarion Ruach Elohim. It really encouraged me to do more research to find out why I keep coming back to this song. And this is what I found! !
The breath of God refers to creation, God breathed and life was made! Just by his slight exhale of breath the dead was brought to life with the spirit. In the begining God created man from dust, in Genesis 2:7 it says “the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.” In Job 33:4 it says “The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.” In 2Timothy 3:16-17 “All scripture is BREATHED OUT by God and profitable for teaching in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.
When I started searching Breath of God and Ruach Elohim I found many different translations- breath of God, wind of God……
But there was an overcoming sense of peace and a light bulb lit up when I put peices together. The actual breath of God creates the living, but what he exhales is the holy spirit, which brings life when you believe in Jesus! I read that when you start to embrace Reich Elohim the Holy Spirit starts to break down the old and the false aspects of who we THINK we are. As the process kicks into high gear, it brings liberation, because we start to become who we truly are IN GOD! The false masks, the labels, the past sin, the mistakes and guilt are ripped away leaving you whole, clean, righteous and filled with the breath of God and Holy Spirit.
It all made sense now. I have been working through finding my identity in God, letting go of my past and finding my new identity in Jesus. The Breath of God.. I am fully engulfed in the process of leaving the dead (my past) behind and embracing the living (the present and future).
In Myanmar I declared it was going to be a month of growth and without a doubt, that is what it had proved to be! I embraced the process, I dove right in and continued to push myself out of my comfort zone. I brought that passion into the next month in Nepal. I was preaching for the first time, giving listening prayer to my team, praying more confidently and striving to fight for my new identity.
At the end of our time in Nepal I decided to get a permanent reminder of the continuous process of growing. But it is also a reminder of my triumphs, my mountains moved, storms calmed, sunny skies, accomplishments met, future plans in store and never forgetting my past because it made me who I am. I will no longer linger on the past, but grow from it. The story was never mine to take possession of, it was His. And he gave it to me to share with the world !
While designing my tattoo I wanted a clear depiction of dead trees to alive. But what he presented to me when he was finished was so much more. There was a slight mix in the middle. I thought I wanted him to change it to what I envisioned, but while looking at it, it taught me that the process of letting go isn’t going to be clear and cut throat. Like anything in life there are going to be bumps in the road, a mix of dead with the life. It resembles our struggles, our ups and our downs. As it wraps around, the dead on one end, starts to have glimpses life in the back but then bursts into full life on the other side with three beautiful pine trees. (Hedding and family) There are mountains in the background and 5 birds flying towards life!
The breath of God has breathed life back into me. The Holy Spirit is working through me, diminishing the lies I was choosing to believe about myself and presenting who God sees in me and that is whole, enough, beautiful, strong and courageous, worthy, daughter, chosen, equipped, redeemed, forgiven, set free and saved.
Video to come
Psalm 18
He hears, He fights, He cleans, He loves, He rescues.. the Lord is my support.
