To be transparent, honest, and real, the past month in Thailand has by far been the hardest month since I left home.
Early in the race, we learned of different ways to categorize the race: the a zone, the b zone, and the c zone. The A zone is the place where you are doing GOOD. You are loving life. You and the Lord are vibin’. The B zone is the complete opposite. The A zone is the high and the B zone is the low. It’s a place most racers hit around month 4, right around the middle of the race. It’s this slump where you can find yourself stuck in if you don’t fight HARD to get out.
Month 4 was my B zone. No matter how much I slept, I was still tired when I woke up. Living in the city put me in a place of discomfort, and all I wanted was some nature but the closest thing I got was the sky view from our roof. Beyond the mid-race blues, I also dealt with so so much homesickness this past month. There was one day where I looked at my teammate Camille and told her pretty bluntly, “I want to go home.” I knew, of course, that I wouldn’t actually follow through. I know this is where the Lord wants me to be, but ya girl was struggling.
Ministry this month was very different than in Guatemala and also played into the discouragement that I felt. In Guatemala, it was very relational and we saw a lot of fruit come from the work being done there. Here, most days looked like sanding, painting, and priming walls. It was moving rubble and leveling ground. Physical labor was on the opposite spectrum as house visits. But each day we had to tell ourselves we were preparing the way for Jesus to show up. If in 3 years, someone will choose Jesus while leaning against a nicely painted blue wall outside, then the hours in the sun painting it would be completely worth it.
Relationally though, most people here are Buddhist and don’t care too much about what you believe because they believe we are all going to the same place, just through different paths. For many different reasons, and because of different ministries, actually preaching the gospel wasn’t something I got to do this month, which honestly was more difficult than I ever thought it would be.
But no matter the hard things, there are always things to celebrate!
This whole month taught me dependency on the Lord. Through all things, He is constant. Never-failing. Each day no matter how good or bad I felt, no matter how much I missed home, no matter if I had already cried 3 times that day or not, I could sit on our roof and talk to God about all of it. And each time, without fail, I was greeted with comfort, patience, and love. Comfort through everything hard, patience when I didn’t have patience for myself, and deep love even when I didn’t know how to receive it.
Love changes everything, you know. I learned more about who my Father truly is this month through His love for me.
In this month, I’ve continued to heal from situations and things that have hurt me. I am starting to see what once were just dreams come to life— enrolling at Appalachian State, potentially doing Summer Staff with YoungLife, and so many trips and adventures next summer with my friends.
Each day I continue to know myself deeper. I’m starting to give my emotions and feelings a landing ground rather than pushing them away or burying them because I convinced myself they were unimportant in comparison to other things. I’m doing the things I love simply because I love them. And just like in Guatemala, I’m becoming the person I was created to be.
Right now, I’m at debrief in Chiang Mai, resting more and processing the past 3 months since our last debrief. On Friday, we start the travel days to Myanmar – including 2 different bus rides (about 16 hours total) and walking 2 miles with ALL our packs at the border. This week I am hoping to spend lots of time journaling and talking with the Lord. I want to spend time with all my people to talk about life- the little, every day, average Tuesday things, the nitty-gritty, and the good and bad. I’m going to spend time downloading new books, podcasts, and music for the next month because who knows what life in Myanmar might look like!
I’m coming back up to the A zone. I’m back with all my people! This week is real good, and things are looking up. If you have any questions about this month- other things that made this month hard, the things that I mentioned, or even things I’ve learned, just text me! I’d love to talk.
This past month was hard but God never left. He was always good. He has never failed me. There’s abundant grace and plenty of time for growth, healing, and refinement. God is still on the throne and He is still good, even in the B zone and in the homesickness.
See you soon Myanmar!
– haven
