I know I haven’t written a blog in a WHILE so I wanted to sum up everything I could possibly think of that I learned
in Costa Rica. The last couple of days we were there I wrote something in my journal that I wanted to share. It’s kind
of a lot, but just stick with me. It’s reeeeeal personal and the honest truth of how I’ve felt. It’s a bit rough, but
honestly that’s how I’m feeling. A bit rough. The Lord is bringing me through a huge season of learning about myself
and Him. It’s so good, yet so hard.
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Wow. My last couple of days on Costa Rican soil, and I’m at a loss for where time went. I’m sitting in a metal folding
chair listening to all my squad mates sing beautiful praises to the Lord, but I have no words. Time has slipped me.
Before I left for the race I had so many expectations of where I thought I should be in my relationship with the Lord
after month 3. My first country done and I’m no where near where I wanted. So I’m sitting here feeling
like I failed, but that’s exactly what expectations do. They disappoint you. Expectations are lies from the enemy.
I’ve learned to enter into everything with little to no expectations. When I started doing that, everything turned out
to be so amazing because it was in God’s timing. But I didn’t only put expectations on myself; I put them on
everything possible. Circumstances, relationships, ministry, people, anything imaginable. The biggest one I’ve learned
is to not put expectations on people or relationships. They will fail you every time. That isn’t their fault though,
but I always seem to make myself think it is. They are human. They mess up. No one can read my mind or hear my
thoughts, so how the heck are they supposed to come through and do the things I’m thinking?? I have been so so guilty
of this in the past, and it has hurt too many relationships. I still do it. It puts so much pressure on a person, and
that isn’t fair.
God is taking me back to the basics. He is showing me how to love people like He does. How to love people so
unconditionally that nothing they ever did could make me love them less. Loving is hard. When I think about it it
sounds like such an easy thing to do. My flesh gets in the way more than I’d like to admit. whether someone is
annoying me, I just don’t click with them, or they made me mad, whatever it is, there’s always an excuse. But I don’t
want to make excuses anymore. Also, loving unconditionally doesn’t mean letting people walk all over me. It means
loving them through their brokenness and seeing passed the things their flesh is doing. It’s seeing them as
Christ would. It’s caring about them enough to call them higher than their flesh. It’s having the hard conversations
with no other motives than love and wanting to see them grow.
Community. Something I’ve always struggled with a bit. It’s been strange in Costa. The first 2 months I absolutely
loved getting to know everyone and hanging out with them. I didn’t feel like I could ever get tired of it, but then
came month 3. The excitement had officially worn off and it was just normal life. My whole perspective changed. Alex
and I got really close and I didn’t feel like I needed anyone else. I do that a lot. I just wanted to spend all my
time hanging out with her, and everyone else just became unimportant. I feel like I just became this angry person,
but I never really let anyone see what was going on inside. Because of that I either freaked out on my team or
became really short or distant with people. I don’t think I know how to love people at all. I pretend like I do, but
I only have love for them when it’s good for me. I hate that I do that.
Being present. I don’t know why it’s always so difficult for me to live in the now. Ever since I can remember there’s
always something i look forward to. Vacation, a concert, seeing a friend, there’s always something. I’ve really
struggled with being present here. I’ve been looking forward to after the race way too much. I’m excited for so many
things & that’s good, but I don’t want to wish away my time here. This is such an influential time in my life, and
it could change everything if I let it. But I’m not letting it. I’m holding on to the past and who I thought I was.
I’m holding back because of something and it’s causing me to focus on other things rather than being where my feet
are.
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I’ll share alllll about South Africa in my next blog. Don’t worry, it’s coming soon (I swear I’m not lying). I can’t
wait to share what the Lord is teaching me about everything I just typed.
ps: for those of you who don’t know, my foot was ran over by a car. don’t fret, I am perfectly fine, and it has now
been 2 months. the Lord is good and protected me (not even kidding). if ya wanna see pics I will gladly share. just
send me a text, a dm, a snap, an email, whatever you’re feelin. thx.
xoxo,
Han
