An update, regarding my last blog.
I’ve been learning about seeking validation and affirmation from the Lord rather than seeking it from others.
Recently, here at the base people have been having inner healings. An inner healing is basically sitting with the Lord and allowing him to bring up things he wants to reveal to you. It’s normally emotionally exhausting.
I had an inner healing a couple weeks ago.
I think this last 2 weeks have been the hardest on the race so far. I felt so heavy and I was hurting.
I was struggling with a lot of doubt and frustration. I truly didn’t want to be around anyone or do anything. I felt like I wasn’t meant to be here, because no one cared about me.
I felt like I wasn’t seen or heard and I was hurting.
I was scheduled to have my inner healing on a Tuesday night.
My squad leader, Sav, bless her heart, came to find me. I was in our room, crying into my pillow.
I was hurting because I felt like no one understood me and would even listen. Sav laid down next to me and just listened.
So, instead of the inner healing, Sav sat with me while I cried.
The next Friday rolled around and it was time to actually have the inner healing.
I, honestly, was anxious. I wasn’t sure what to expect.
I walked into the room, our squad leaders Alexis and Sav sitting there all ready to go.
Sav lead me through the inner healing by asking questions, Alexis kept track of everything happening in my journal.
When we started, I felt this heavy feeling in my chest.
We prayed into it and the Lord revealed that my heart and my mind don’t connect.
I wanted to believe in the promises of the Lord, but I stopped myself in fear of rejection.
The Lord brought up three different memories.
The first is a little silly, but it actually hurt me more than I realized.
My freshman year of high school, I played for the school soccer team. At the time, my mom worked a lot and didn’t really spend a lot of time at home. But, there was a particular home game we had that she was able to attend. My mom hadn’t been to any of my games and I desperately asked her to come. The game started, and she still hadn’t showed. But, I hoped sh was just late.
The game was intense and I was put in, I played harder than ever, hoping my mom showed up and was watching. I made my very first goal. I was so excited and I immediately searched the crowd for my mom and didn’t find her face. It crushed me. We switched out players and I sat on the bench desperately searching for her over and over. She wasn’t there.
I found out later she decided to go hang out with a friend of hers instead.
Initially, I was just angry. Fine. Whatever.
Sav asked me to reveal what I was feeling in those moments.
I felt so unimportant and rejected. How come I wasn’t enough?
Then I was asked to see where Jesus was in this moment, he was cheering me on from those sidelines. What a guy right?
What were the truths about that moment?
Just because nobody was there doesn’t mean you aren’t worth it.
This memory planted so many lies in me.
I began rejecting myself and fell into people pleasing.
Jesus started speaking into my insecurities.
You are valuable. You’re heard and seen. I love you and all your tears are precious.
We don’t have to go much deeper than that. The rest of the inner healing was similar memories, but here’s what the Lord was telling me:
You’re putting the value of other people in the place of your heart where I’m supposed to be.
Wait what?
Essentially, the Lord has asked me to give up a lot of things in the past few weeks.
I’ve been making other people more important than myself and more importantly, than Him.
We were created for His glory and that’s it. We weren’t created to worry about the people around us.
We were created in his image, that means to love and glorify him, even if we don’t feel like it.
Because, it really doesn’t matter what we feel like because He is always good and He deserves the praise all the time.
