It’s so hard to sit here and explain what I’ve been feeling. There’s really no words for it.
I’ve been struggling with the doubt that I don’t go on the race. What am I going to do if I don’t go? I don’t have a plan. I’ve been preparing myself to do only this because it’s required a lot of work to prepare. I’ve had no time to prepare for anything else. What if I fail?
I’ll be a disappointment.
I’ll be a disappointment to myself for not trying hard enough. I’ll be a disappointment to those who have helped me prepare and have provided what they can of support. I’ll be a disappointment to my squadmates who I’ve been so excited to meet. Even a disappointment to God.
However, that’s only true in my mind. God has amazing and mysterious ways. So, I’m waiting patiently for him to arrive. I’m growing weary and it’s really becoming hard and discouraging. I’m in need of prayers and support.
The real question is, what will I do if I don’t go on the race? I don’t know. The only person who does know has a plan for me though even if I don’t see it now.
Waiting for God’s answer is not easy. Especially if you’re looking for the answer now. All you can do is listen to what he wants you to do in the meantime. Prepare yourself. Keep an open mind and an open heart. If I don’t go now then maybe I will later. Maybe he will provide what I need last second. Maybe it’s not his plan for me.
All I can do is have patience.
