I want to invite you all into a bit about something that I’ve been struggling with for most of my life.
I have an eating disorder.
It all began back in the middle school days when my body began to change as I hit puberty. I like to eat and as my body changed, on came the pounds and the stretch marks and the rolls. I hated it and I felt like I couldn’t control it. I steadily gained weight through high school where I was at my heaviest. I was so unhappy. I did not feel beautiful. I did not feel worthy of love. I did not feel comfortable in my body. Around this time I began to realize that I could control what I put in my body, and so began my binge eating.
My unhealthy relationship with food began to escalate. I began to starve myself all day just to binge on junk at the end of the day. This continued for years. And I began to believe the lies that were pounding in my head.
But there’s hope…there’s always hope.
Whilst in college I began to educate myself on proper eating habits and developed a taste for healthy foods and began to discover ways to work out my body that I actually loved. Weight began to fall off quickly and as it left, compliments began to flood in. The compliments I’m sure were well meaning but they only fueled the fire and as the pendulum swings, I began to then fall into unhealthy habits of not eating enough and exercising too much. As the habits changed the lies still persisted.
I’m not beautiful enough. I’m not worthy of love.
Somewhere, somehow in the midst of the lies, God spoke to me. He began to tell me my true worth and identity. He whispered truths into my heart: I’m beautiful. I am enough. I am worthy. Because He says I am. No matter what my body looks like or how I treat it or what I might think about it- it’s beautiful because He made me to be the way exactly as I am.
And as the pendulum began to swing back, it stopped in the healthy equilibrium of the middle as I sat and began to believe the whispers of my sweet Savior.
And as the truths began to take root, I began to view my body as sacred, holy, beautiful, lovely.
Then health.
Then strength.
And now, I’m so thankful for the things my body can do. My body wakes up to a new day, climbs out of bed, walks around, all the while my heart beats and my lungs take in air. It’s beauty and I can climb freakin mountains.
I’m so grateful that the Lord has rescued me from this disordered state of mind but it’s still a constant battle. And one that is surfacing again.
On the Race it’s difficult to have control over the things I put into my body. We go into something we call “survivor mode” in which we eat whatever we can because we have a small budget. We try to make the most of what we have but we never know what countries will have what foods for an affordable price. Also, with traveling comes not being able to work my body as I’m used to. I have almost no access to weights, I can’t just lace up my shoes and go running whenever I want (buddy system for safety) and I never know when or where I can workout although I’m so thankful that so far I have had some space to. With this lack of control I’ve gone through bouts of body image issues. My body is changing and many days I don’t recognize the body I have come to be used to. I’m bloated, my skin is breaking out, I have tiny bug bites all over my legs and arms. It’s tough.
I have found myself falling back into unhealthy thought patterns. I’ve come to realize that one of my great fears is gaining weight and returning to where I once was. I’m struggling. I look at pictures taken and can’t help but fixate my eyes on my body. Was that roll there before? Does my face look puffier? It’s exhausting.
And then shame rears its ugly head once again and I feel ashamed of my thoughts toward myself. I feel ashamed of my addiction. I feel ashamed of not truly walking in the freedom of Christ that I so often help walk others into.
I’ve sat here a while, wrestling and a choice has to made.
The interesting and challenging thing about the Race is that there are always people around and they can tell when you are not entirely yourself. There is no hiding.
So I’ve wrestled and I know that I need to bring this struggle out into the light. I grabbed my friend and confessed my struggles and asked for prayer. She prayed that I would see myself as beautiful, just as others see me. That I wouldn’t believe the lies but would believe the truths that the Lord speaks over me.
I can’t say I’m out of it just yet.
It’s a constant battle but I’m choosing to release the lies and rid myself of these negative thoughts toward myself. I’m choosing to take hold of the truths and return to the arms of my Savior.
