Y’all. I’m going to be honest, I am STRU-GG-LING today! My heart has been so overwhelmed with hurt going on in the lives of those around me and now my mind is overcome with details and finances in my own life. I’ve just had a good cry and now I need to process.
I won’t go into the details of everything but basically something has come up, an emergency of sorts (don’t worry, I’m physically ok) that will cost me a lot of money, money that I was saving for expenses for the World Race. And maybe it’s my own fault. I only work part time gigs and make just enough to pay my bills. Which is ok! I have earnestly been seeking God with where He wants me to be and all of the details of my life even down to where to work and He has always provided. When I committed to the World Race I prayed that God would send me another job if it was in His Will and nothing came along. Looking back, I’m so thankful that God didn’t send me more work because with everything I’ve got going on, I don’t think I would have enough time or energy but man, sitting here now, a bit more money in my pocket would be nice.
As I have cried today, and look up at what seems like a huge mountain that I have to climb, I don’t have any answers. I know all of THE answers, yes. God will provide, He always does. Yes, yes, I know this is true, but I’m still upset. I’m still crying. I still can’t see how this will all work out.
Today I was sharing with someone about my trip and she said as I left “I’m so proud to know you” and I just thought, “that’s nice, but right now, I don’t feel proud to be me. “
It seems as things start to look up in life something causes it to come crashing down. I know we’ve all been there at one time or another and for me its now. The last couple of months have been amazing. Many kind and generous people have been showing their support through words of encouragement and financial donations and I feel so strong and uplifted and grateful. Now, I feel so low. My heart hurts for others and I’m disappointed and frustrated in situations I cannot change.
I know all of the right answers and deep down, I think, no I KNOW, that my heart truly believes that God is in control of this situation and He works everything out for our good, (Romans 8:28) but I just want to cry and that’s ok.
I don’t write this for pity but rather maybe a bit of prayer. Likewise, I don’t want anybody handing me money because they read this post and feel sorry for me. No. I wanted to write this today to be honest for my own sake and for yours. I could sit here and fake fine. I could sit here and write to you all and say that “I’m so blessed and grateful.” And “God is so good and faithful.” Which is all very true, but sometimes when life gets me down and I am struggling with real, deep, heart-aching, head-spinning stuff, I can’t pretend that it’s all good. That’s not doing anybody any favors, including myself. God wants me and you to be honest and open in taking our hurts and feelings to Him, and today, that’s all I can do. I end this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day with just that. I have no answers right now, but my heart believes that God is with me through it all and that He’s got this.
