It’s strange how physically you can feel comfortable, but emotionally you feel all sorts of discomfort. I had just finished crying to my Pastor’s wife, confessing to her all my sins during a grief-stricken, trauma-filled year: anger towards God, resentment towards people, bitterness in my grief, and pacifying my pain with past addictions.
Grace felt far from me.
But what my Pastor’s wife spoke over me rested deeply in my heart. It was as if a door opened and in came a flooding revelation of God’s Grace as she spoke these words, “God is not surprised by anything you did. He knew you would do what you did before you even acted on it. And still, knowing that you would sin against Him, He chooses to forgive and make a way for your future.”
That’s God’s Grace – so undeserved, so unmerited, so abundant, so restoring, and so much needed to live and stand in a world full of pain and brokenness.
From that day, I have been asking the Lord to help me grow in more knowledge and understanding of Grace – How do I receive it? How do I extend it to others? How do I apply this strength to my own life?
I never would have imagined that the journey to understanding Grace would lead me to the realization that I lacked it for myself. Even though God abundantly gives Grace (Romans 5:17-21), for some reason something hindered me from accepting it.
I needed to get to the “root” of this with Jesus by my side. He opened my heart and my mind to acknowledge, remember, and accept the moments of my past that I needed to heal from. It’s not to condemn me. But rather it’s to have the opportunity to break the agreements that I made with the enemy that led me to occasionally think that I wasn’t good enough for God’s Grace.
I picture Jesus clothed in white with a blinding, magnificent light surrounding Him. The light keeps me from being able to fully see His face, but I can make out a big, exciting smile. In His hand is a box labeled Grace and on the gift tag it says, “To my daughter Gisele. From your Papa God, just because I love you.” Now, picture me turning away from that present. It’s what I realize I often do, because I fall into sin-consciousness where all I can think about are the ways in which I sin against God. Or I fall into striving for righteousness trying so hard to impress Him and failing drastically at being perfect in a world where perfection doesn’t exist. Both choices leading me farther from Grace.
So, what’s the “root” that needs to be uprooted so that I can find joy freely walking in Grace?
The Lord has been slowly revealing it to me and as He uncovers it, I am realizing that…
I hate my body.
When I was in Ohio ministering to the youth, one of the leaders was speaking of the love between her and her husband as an example of our relationship with God. She said, “How can I love my husband, if I hate what he loves.”
I felt a sting in my Spirit when I heard it.
How can I love God, if He created me and I hate what He created – my body.
I remember when it started…
There was a full-length mirror in our apartment in Queens that I used to stare at when I was about 8 years old. My skin was darker than my siblings and other family members and I wished that my skin tone would be lighter so that I could fit in. I would lift my shirt up and grab on to the fat of my belly. I would try to measure it with my fingers to see if I lost any weight. My face was round because my cheeks were too big. And when I smiled too hard, I would end up with a double chin. My eyebrows were too thick in comparison to my friends. I had a bump on the ridge of my nose that made my side profile look strange. My eyelashes were too short, so it made my eyes look even smaller. The list went on…and on.
Nearly every day, I had this ritual of staring at myself in the mirror and repeating these degrading observations. I began to believe the lies the enemy would whisper in my ear. The lies that for an 8-year-old child who didn’t know Jesus, would lead to a dark seed being planted in my heart – I am ugly, and no one will love me.
Overtime this seed grew into a tree, looming largely over me and keeping me from seeing the light of truth.
If I believed myself to be ugly, then I’d have to make myself attractive. So, when I was only 12 years old, I already began to change my appearance and actions to be more flirtatious and appealing to boys.
Of course, this was never enough, because when you’re living in agreement to a lie nothing will ever be enough. Only the truth of God satisfies.
I wanted to be cooler, so by the time I was 14 I was already smoking, drinking when I had the chance, and trying different drugs. I hung out with the “older” crowd. And this made me feel like I was loved.
But this wasn’t love at all because true love that lasts comes only from God. What I was living in was love of the world, from the world. And, what I believed was a lie that to be beautiful or be loved I would have to compromise and change who God made me to be to satisfy worldly desires.
As I got older, I continued to struggle with my weight and suffered from bulimia. And as a young adult in my 20’s I gained weight from alcoholism and depression. I dishonored my body in how I lived my life. And now, it makes sense to me why I hate my body. I never learned or knew how to love and honor it to begin with. Even as a young girl, as a 26-year-old woman who found Jesus, and as a woman living life for God’s Kingdom in my 30’s, I still struggle with renewing my mind to love my body.
Sometimes, I find myself staring into the mirror repeating those same thoughts I had from when I was 8 years old, and I feel helpless.
But God hears me.
That’s Grace – when you think your helpless, God comes with His strength and helps you. And when you’ve been deceived by lies, He uncovers them and replaces them with truth. And when you have a closet full of a shameful past, He opens the door and brings a flood that cleans it out. And when you look in the mirror and think “I am ugly”, He whispers, “how beautiful you are my darling, your eyes are like doves” (Song of Solomon 1:15). And when you feel completely unlovable, He displays His love through the precious blood of Jesus Christ.
I understand Grace best when I explain it this way:
There are three roads. The road to the left is dreary, dark, yet its mystery is tempting. The road to the right seems appealing but with a closer look it reveals a thick, overgrown forest that’s difficult to walk through. And the middle road is the most beautiful of all, brightly lit, paved with gold, long and seemingly unending. The left road is sin. The right road is righteousness. The middle road is Grace.
When we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior we are miraculously, spiritually reborn into a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) and are placed on that middle road of Grace because it is only by His Grace that we are saved through Faith (Ephesians 2:8-9). The enemy works to get us off this road and entices us towards that left road called sin. And the enemy is pleased when we leave the road of Grace trying to obtain perfection through righteousness in our own strength.
The Good News, when we find ourselves walking down the wrong road, we will always have a chance to get back on that beautiful, middle road called Grace. How do we do this? We do this with Jesus and the power of His Holy Spirit. We grow quick to be humble, recognizing that we need God. We repent wholeheartedly, changing our minds, turning away from sin, and turning away from the belief that we must be perfect to be righteous and loved by God.
I think that’s why this road is so brightly lit and paved with gold, reflecting and illuminating the light. The light beckons us and helps us to fix our gaze on its source – Jesus.
By His Grace, we can stay on the middle road called Grace where there’s no guilt, no shame, no condemnation. There’s only freedom from the lies of the enemy and the irreplaceable satisfying love of God that favors us ever step of the way.
On this road the Lord is teaching me how to love my body so that I can wholly love Him who created me. And falling in love with Him more will help me receive and apply His Grace.
On this road God is uprooting that large, looming tree of darkness and deception.
I stopped focusing on what the enemy was speaking, and I began taking my thoughts captive and listening to what God is speaking every day about me, my body, and my life. The Holy Spirit prompts me to pray in thanksgiving. I thank God for my body, that ultimately belongs to Him anyway (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). And, when I begin to question this, I realign my mind to trust Him through the process. I ask the Holy Spirit to help me in self-control and to fill me with joy when I eat healthier and exercise. I ask for strength to remain disciplined to the commitments I make towards my health.
I cannot do any of this on my own. All of this is only possible by His Grace for He said, “My Grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
It’s a long, unending road this middle road of Grace and its worth the journey, even when the uprooting that will clear the way to this path is humbling.
In a world that abuses Grace as an excuse to sin and justify ourselves, I pray that as His children we may never forget that Grace, although freely given was not free at all, rather its manifestation came at the cost of Jesus (Ephesians 1:7-8). I pray that we recognize and abide by the conviction of the Holy Spirit when we stray away from the middle road of Grace. May we rejoice in Grace, as He reveals to us the deep parts of our hearts that need to be uprooted and sanctified by His Spirit. And, when we forget the way to go, may we remember His Word, “…I am the way, the truth, and the life…” (John 14:1-7).
