You can hear the bustle of the city, the train roaring as it passed through the railway above us, the distant honking of the cars, and the people standing in the corner street yelling incoherent rants to one another. Trash blew around and some were bogged down with water from the downpour the day before. We were told by our ministry host that closed toe shoes were a must when walking in the neighborhood since used needles were so commonly discarded on the streets.
The difference in environment was drastic and felt as if we had been teleported. The open farm land, winding country roads, large oak trees, and the breeze from the bay in Delaware were still fresh on my mind. But now here we were in the inner city of Philadelphia walking to our site where we would clean up the street by picking up trash.
I thought to myself, the environment may be different but the need is still the same. I can see it in their eyes — that emptiness that I once had in my own eyes when I suffered from depression, alcoholism, abuse, and a multitude of other addictions.
It doesn’t matter where you are. Whether you’re on an international missions trip, stateside on World Race America, living in the suburbs or in the city, living in poverty or not, suffering from the heartaches of your own life, battling addictions, fighting against depression, living a false life, etc.— there’s always a need that leaves your eyes looking empty. And that emptiness can only be filled by Jesus.
I was picking up a styrofoam container when I saw him walking towards my team. To respect his identity, I’ll call him Peter.
Peter looked rough. He was wearing tethered clothes and I could see the definition of his bones protruding through his shirt. He was underweight. There were scars of his heroin injections on his arm and his neck. His face was sunken in and his emotion was one of desperation.
“Hey! Can I pick up trash with you guys?” he said. “It’ll keep me busy so I don’t shoot up yet.”
His approach and request caused my Spirit to leap. I believe that every encounter has God’s hand on it and surely there was a reason why this man came to us. I welcomed him to join.
I observed him closely. He tried to keep his distance from us. He wanted to stay busy and he didn’t want anyone asking too many questions. It made sense to me why he was guarded. Living in the dark pushes you into seclusion.
One thing he did stood out to me. He would work to pick up even the smallest little bits of trash. Many times during community clean up I see people targeting the large pieces of garbage that’s obvious to the eye. But Pete was working hard to pick up the small broken pieces of glass or torn paper that would otherwise be ok if left behind.
There’s a heart behind that action that I believe reflects God’s character. It’s easier to take care of the big pieces of garbage that’s filled your heart over years of hardship and pain. But God doesn’t just pick those up. He works to do a deep cleaning of your heart, working to pick up even the smallest, sometimes unnoticed bits of trash and debris that’s laid dormant inside of you. God is patient in doing this. Even though it takes more work it’s good to go through the heart cleansing and sanctification of the Holy Spirit. This gives us a life more filled with God’s presence each day — a life transformed by His love and Grace.
It was this observation and similarity that compelled me to get closer to Pete even though he was trying to keep a distance. My teammate and I felt the same prompting from the Spirit and we began to work closer alongside him waiting for the Holy Spirit to tell us when to speak.
For what seemed like too long of a time it finally came — the nudging that makes my heart race and my tummy tickle. It was time to speak.
“So Pete, it seems like you’ve done this before,” I said.
“Yea. I used to go to the church and I was a part of a lot of different programs like this. I did a lot of Bible studies. I know all about Jesus,” he responded.
He opened up to us about his story. I always get so amazed when this happens. It really doesn’t matter how guarded a person might seem, because when the Holy Spirit’s presence is there, people get comfortable enough to start talking.
Pete is a believer who can recite scripture, talk to you about Jesus, and share testimonies of God’s faithfulness in his life. He’s felt the presence of Jesus a few times and he’s never once stopped believing in Jesus as his savior.
BUT (and it’s a big BUT) — he has difficulty accepting Jesus as His Lord which means he still wants to make all the choices in his life by himself without stopping to ask — “Jesus, what should I do?” And a lot of times this keeps him from repenting, turning away from the things that tempt him.
This led him to making a few bad choices. So after a rollercoaster, up and down history of sobriety, he ended up backsliding into deeper addiction than he had before. He began to feel ashamed, unworthy to return to God and unable to access God’s Grace.
And this really saddened me.
This one encounter caused me to go on a growth journey with the Lord. I began to ask God to give me more knowledge, understanding, and new revelation on salvation, repentance, and ultimately Grace and how we live in Grace without abusing it.
As I sought this out, the Lord began to reveal that I’ve actually been on this journey — the road called Grace ever since I became born again almost 7 years ago. By looking back, Jesus revealed to me His Grace. By looking in the present, Jesus put Grace in my hands. And by looking forward, Jesus showed me that it’s possible to be continually embraced by Grace.
In the next upcoming parts of this blog, I’m going to be sharing some vulnerable stories from my testimony. I’m going to share my understanding and belief on salvation, repentance, and Grace based off of the scriptures that God led me to meditate on.
I don’t have a degree on Biblical studies or any background on theology and doctrine. I’m not looking to be discredited or affirmed. I’m just a woman who over the testing of time grew so in love with Jesus, that it became more and more difficult to take my gaze off of Him. And this blog series is written out of obedience to His prompting to do so. With steadfast faith, I believe and hope that He will be glorified through it.
After meeting Pete the first question I asked God was: How can Pete know all of that about Jesus and still live the way he does?
Maybe some of you are asking the same thing, and I’ll attempt to unpack this in the next blog. But in the meantime let’s encourage one another to read and meditate on this scripture:
If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by openly declaring your faith that you are saved. As the Scriptures tell us, “Anyone who trusts in him will never be disgraced.” Jew and Gentile are the same in this respect. They have the same Lord, who gives generously to all who call on him. For “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” – Romans 10:9-13 NLT
Dear Lord Jesus, thank you for giving me the courage to write this blog. Thank you for your Grace, for without it I would have no courage at all! Amen.
