Upon acceptance of my team leader position my squad mentor Grace stressed the importance of getting additional rest during the week. As a church ministry leader in the past, I understood that the role would place additional weight on my shoulders that the Lord would help me carry. But, the thought of extra “rest” scared me and I made excuses.
Is this how I want to live my life? Do I want to depend on my excuses to make it through or do I want my dependance to be on the Lord?
During a crowded bus ride through the streets of Kathmandu the Lord checked my heart. I was heading down a familiar road that would lead me to an unhealthy, self-centered, stress induced dependency on only myself.
The thought of this conviction led me to humble myself before the Lord. And I welcomed Him to show me what the root of this sinful nature was.
It’s rooted in my lack of trust in the Lord. As this root continues to grow it produces a nasty desire for control.
I questioned myself. After everything that the Lord has taken me out of, how can I not tr ust Him?
The problem is this — I trust Him in the busyness of life, but I don’t trust Him in the silence and stillness.
Didn’t Jesus promise, “I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20b).
When life is on the go and I’m getting things done I know the Lord is there. When hardships come my way I have seen over and over again that the Lord is there.
But when I’m not leading, not working, not doing ministry, not helping, not doing anything other than saying yes to the invitation to rest with Him, I get nervous thinking that He would stand me up.
Trusting Him when the conditions are right is not the faith that I’m called to have.
Works without faith is dead. And, the Lord revealed to me that I’m becoming all work with a little less faith.
Because I don’t trust Him, does this mean I’m now trying to control everything? Yes.
I’m nervous that if I’m not in ministry I can’t control the outcome. I’m nervous that something might happen to my team and I won’t be there.
How conceited of me to think that my presence is more important than the presence of the Lord. How foolish of me to think that the Lord’s providence is not upon us.
This nervousness keeps me from wanting to rest. The more I let this feeling sit in my heart, the more the enemy has a foothold. Here is an opportunity for me to rest with Him and I’m walking away thinking that my work is more important than dwelling in His still, quiet presence. Here I am thinking that if I rest “too much” then He won’t meet me.
At the realization of this, I shared my convictions with my team. I praise the Lord for His grace and His love. I’m now held accountable to rest.
Sometimes the greatest path to growth is to have accountability partners.
Today, I took time to rest. And, I’m taking it day by day allowing the Lord to uproot my lack of trust and control issues.
Resting in His arms Jesus gave me a revelation of His genuine desire — above all things His will is that I may know Him.
All my works would be nothing without Him. Although the work done for His Kingdom is important, the Lord is more concerned with my knowing Him. It is very possible to have a passion for Kingdom and a knowledge of doctrine yet still have an inadequate knowledge of God within.
God wants more than an outward expression of the work we do for Him. He wants to dwell within us.
I want a relationship with Jesus that’s built on trusting His divine presence in both the busy and restful moments. I’m going to take this season to continue letting Him dig deep into my heart. It’s a humbling process of inward change and growth and a daily decision to surrender. I want Him to dig until everything not of Him is uprooted.
