Often I get asked from family and friends back home if I’m doing ok and I’ll be honest, my response is normally quick and superficial.
I say, “I’m doing so great! The Lord is moving and ministry is amazing.” And although these things are true, the response doesn’t even begin to describe how I truly am doing on the race.
I take things day by day, but I haven’t truly processed everything that has happened. I don’t know if I ever will.
Everything happens quickly!
I often turn back to old pages of my journals trying not to forget the memories, the challenges, the highs, and the lows from past months. What I’ve discovered reading through the pages is that…
I am not ok.
I’m grieving for the past 6 months that I’ve spent meeting beautiful people, working in different ministries, and living with community. What was once present life is now the past and time as we know is passing by.
I miss evangelizing in the busy city of Puerto Plata where I held an old woman’s hand as she crossed the street. I miss all the children in Haiti who climbed on my back for piggy back rides. I miss finding saw dust in my socks after working in the log house in South Africa.
I miss sitting in the living room with my team in Botswana laughing about nothing and everything at the same time. I miss the Bible study session that we had on Matthew 5 with a family we met in Zambia. I miss waving goodbye to my five little sisters in India as I watched them board their school bus.
Life is full of goodbyes and I miss…everything.
Not a day goes by during the race where I’m not mentally, spiritually, and physically challenged.
There’s some moments where plans change during ministry so it’ll make me feel like I have no idea what’s going on. I have to act on the fly relying solely on the Spirit for help. The race teaches you to learn how to be extremely flexible and Spirit led.
Sometimes the Holy Spirit convicts me when I get offended or annoyed. The root of offense is not the other person, usually it’s how I’m choosing to react to things. I’m humbled daily.
Ministry is busy. At most, I’ve done three different ministries in a day. My body can’t keep up so I end up with a cold, a fever, upset stomach, a pain on my foot, a sty on my eye, or fatigue. And I just pray that my team doesn’t get sick too.
At times I feel like packing up and retreating to the comforts of my old life because I’m so emotionally drained and I’ve spent a week crying myself to sleep.
Before the race, I asked the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His. He answered my prayer. There’s a lot of circumstances that I’ve witnessed or experienced on the race that is so heartbreaking. Sometimes I don’t know if I can bear it anymore.
I’m really not ok…
But surprisingly, I have peace with it.
One important thing that I’ve learned on the race is that I’m not suppose to have it all together. Why? Because if I did then I wouldn’t need Jesus. And you know what?
I need and want Jesus very much!
Through all the hardships, the changes, the happy moments, the confusing moments, the “I can’t believe that just happened”, the miracles, the heartbreak — through it ALL — one thing remains constant, JESUS IS WITH ME.
I can grieve about the time that’s passed because Jesus is comforting me. I can be overwhelmed with life on the race and Jesus is my peace. I can look excitingly to the future and Jesus is my hope. I can feel drained in every way and Jesus is my restoration. I can look at challenges and laugh because Jesus is my joy.
With His unfailing love and mercy, He makes me whole!
I wouldn’t trade this for the world. No, not ever again will I choose the world over my Lord and Savior.
I would rather relive all the hardships from the past six months than relive the hardships from living in a world without the promises of Christ.
Jesus is just so worthy!
I’m ok with not being ok.
