The sun is rising and creating orange, pink tones in the sky. From a distance you can hear birds chirping. There’s a cool breeze that makes a gentle whistling noise. Normally I’d be freezing right now but, it’s so refreshing to be in the cool weather. This might be the last time during this trip that I’ll be experiencing weather like this.
My heart is hurting, because I miss my daddy. Today, he would have been 62 years old.
I imagine waking up and hearing his red lawn mower in the yard. I imagine feeling the texture of the window blinds as I peek out to watch him. He would be wearing his tan straw hat or his blue cap and his gray jumpsuit with the British Airways logo on it. It was his work uniform from when he was an aeronautic engineer.
I imagine myself giving him a glass of cold water to refresh him from a morning working in his beautiful, lush garden. He would say, “thank you” with his sweet, funny Filipino accent. I imagine how he smells like; a mixture of grass, dirt, oil, and wood. He had such a unique scent that reminded me of hard, manual work.
When he goes back outside, I imagine myself getting his birthday gifts ready. I would sneak into the garage fridge and grab his chocolate cupcake that says “Happy Birthday” on it. Then, I would place it on the kitchen counter along with his birthday card, a balloon, and a can of assorted nuts that he loves to snack on while watching movies.
I imagine waiting in anticipation for him to come back inside to see his gifts. He would spend the rest of the day resting, before he gets ready for work. I can imagine hugging him and greeting him happy birthday again as he leaves at night. He worked the night shift at Universal Studios as a ride technician, making sure the rides were safe for park visitors the following day.
These are just some of the things I imagine now. They’re imaginations that were once memories from a season that seemed so long ago, yet the hurt at times feels fresh.
I’ll never be able to celebrate my daddy’s birthday with him again on this earth. And, today rather than hugging him and singing to him I am looking out on an open field in South Africa wishing that everything I imagined could be real.
I’m longing to see my daddy.
I’m feeling selfish. God has given me so much this past year. He’s restored much of what was stolen. He’s healing me every day and allowing me to witness Him. He’s giving me the opportunity to make wonderful relationships. He called and chose me for this amazing adventure.
Yet, I still want to see my daddy. Yet, my heart is missing my daddy. Yet, here I am asking God for more. I want to see my daddy.
I honestly don’t know how to deal with these thoughts and emotions. The only thing I know to do right now is to call on the name of Jesus. And, I’m believing that this is enough.
I believe that even through my sadness God is good. Even through my broken heart God will give me grace because He understands my grief. I won’t be able to see my daddy, but Jesus will come in my time of need. I won’t be able to hold my daddy right now. But, one day I’ll be celebrating alongside him and this is my hope.
A birthday note to the most amazing man I’ve even known:
To my daddy in Heaven,
Happy Happy Birthday on this special day! Daddy, you light up my life! You have provided for our family and you have led us with grace. Every day, you did what was best for us. We trusted you as a father and a husband to mom, because you are full of faith and wisdom. Daddy, you carry the fruit of the spirit with you! Thank you for showing us love, joy, peace, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, patience, and self-control. Thank you for loving us so well. Thank you for teaching me lessons that last a lifetime. Thank you for all the joyful memories you brought us. We love you so much. Keep cheering us on from heaven please daddy. God knows we need you encouraging us as we try to move forward. I hope you’ve enjoyed seeing all the amazing adventures that I’ve been on the past three months. I hope you laughed when you saw me climbing the mango tree in the DR, riding on the roof of a pick-up truck in Haiti, and hammering away on nails of the log cabin in South Africa. Two more months until we get to India daddy. It’s going to be a great time! Happy Birthday!! May you sing louder than ever before in Heaven. I love you so much.
