On our first week here, our Squad Leader James held a training session about self-reflective journaling. I realized that through out the years, I’ve “journaled” notes of sermons from my church and had occasionally written prayers or letters to God. However, rarely (if any) did I self-reflect on the things I needed to grow in or the things that might be hindering me from growing more intimate with Jesus.
Personally, it was a very uncomfortable session. I found myself feeling neck deep in quick-sand, slowly sinking lower and lower into past mistakes, regrets, and moments where I’ve blatantly disobeyed the Holy Spirit. Feeling stuck, I stood up during our quiet self-reflection and walked to the balcony.
I asked, “God, do I have to go back there? Can’t I move forward and sweep my past away?”
As I looked out to the mountains around us I felt a long gentle breeze. With it was a small still voice saying, “No.”
This self-reflection, although uncomfortable, was completely necessary. Jesus was telling me to push forward through the pain, guilt, regrets, and shame. If I sweep it under the rug, it’ll resurface one day. But if I press on I will grow. I will learn. I will change.
I heard His small still voice again. “Look up,” He said.
When I did, I saw this beautiful lightbulb.
Jesus is like this lightbulb, shining light in the dark moments of my life. It may be emotionally and spiritually stretching but seeing Jesus with me through it all brings healing. His light opens my heart to accept His love. His light allows me to see His goodness. His light reflects the Father’s faithfulness. His light saves me from falling into despair, shame, or unworthiness.
Currently, I’m reading a book called “The Cost of Discipleship” by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. It’s a book that I borrowed from my ministry hosts and it’s mind blowing me with knowledge on what it means to be a disciple of Jesus.
Bonhoeffer writes — The call of Jesus makes the disciple community the light of the world: their activity is visible. The light is not an instrument which has been put into their hands, such as their preaching. It is the disciples themselves. The same Jesus who, speaking of Himself, said, “I am the light,” says to His followers: “You are the light in your whole existence, provided you remain faithful to your calling. And since you are the light, you can no longer remain hidden, even if you want to.
It’s beautiful how Jesus’s light brings the truth of my past out of the darkness. I can move forward with confidence that Jesus has made me righteous with Father God. As Jesus ministers to me, heals me, and teaches me how to be more like Him, I get to shine like He shines also. Without Him, I lack light and truth. Without Him I’m stuck in the quicksand with darkness all around me.
When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, “Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one accused you?” She said, “No one Lord”. And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.” Then Jesus spoke to them again saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” (John 8:10-12)
