There I was, lying on my bed unable to move, with tears in my eyes asking God, “Why?” It has been a long time since I felt heartbreak, but the sting felt familiar and fresh. My heart was being ripped out of my chest. Instantly, Love had seemed to disappear.
I laid there crying and thinking, “Why do I keep experiencing love like this?” When I exchanged who I was to be someone else to please my first relationship as a young teen, was that love? When I lived immorally as a young adult in another relationship, was that love? When I fought so hard to marry the man I planned on spending my whole life with only to fail, was that love?
Then, I heard the Holy Spirit say, “You don’t know what real love is because you haven’t fully loved me.” If you can imagine me crying before, then now imagine me on my knees bawling and wailing to Jesus. The One who loves me so much He gave His life up on the Cross for me. The One who thoughtfully prepared and planned for a future filled with hope for me. The One who would never leave me nor forsake me. Yes, Jesus Himself did not feel loved by me. Now that revelation was worth crying about.
And, it’s true what Jesus had to say about my “why” question. I had spent most of my life giving 80% of my heart to my relationships and only 20% of my heart to Jesus. Wasn’t I called to give everything to Him? No wonder I found myself in my 30’s still crying over a wound that felt fresh. It was at that moment of humility that I said, “Jesus. I’m sorry I keep failing you. I’m sorry I cheated you out of true love. Take my heart. All of it. It’s yours to heal, yours to mend, yours to love. Teach me how to love you. Teach me how to love others like you. Create a radical change in me for your Glory.”
A month later, I got accepted on this World Race Missionary Trip to 11 countries in 11 months! An exciting journey, but more so proof of Jesus’s everlasting, unchanging, and unwavering love. Even if I failed Him, He did not see me as a failure. I know that to be on this mission, God wants me to gain wisdom on love. Not just any type of love, but true Agape, 1 Corinthians 13 love. He wants me to Love fearlessly, not recklessly.
This mission trip is going to take patience and kindness towards my missionary team in order to experience an 11 month mission trip overseas together. This mission is not self-seeking, only God has the Glory. During the mission it’s going to take God’s love to speak the truth to tribal nations who don’t know of Him and might even reject Him. It’s going to take love that hopes and trusts in the seeds that are sown into a young child, especially when you move on with your team to a different country. No matter how difficult the journey becomes, it’s going to take God’s unfailing love to endure any circumstance. This is Agape love and it’s required for this mission trip and meant to be shared with everyone I meet. This is God’s love. A love beyond measure and so sacrificial that it takes me out of comfort and catapults me into a state of fearlessness.
I’m ready to Love Jesus with all my heart. I’m ready to give this Love to others. There is power in Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is Love. Jesus’s Love has the power to change the hearts of people. I know He’s certainly changed mine. This divine journey has just started. There’s bigger things ahead! All glory and praise to the God who made a way and planned it all!
